Funny.com. Work in progress... In the meantime, here are 10 random funny stuff for you:

Brad M.

A lawyer, an accountant, and a cowboy are standing at the men's washroom urinals, doing their business. The lawyer zips up first, walks over to the sink, washes his arms up to the elbows, and takes a huge bunch of paper towels to dry off. He says, "I went to Harvard University, and they taught us to be sanitary". He leaves. Then, the accountant zips up, walks over to the sink, wets the tips of his fingers, and takes a tiny strip of paper towel to dry off. He says, "I went to the University of Yale, and they taught us to be environmentally friendly". He leaves as well. The cowboy, finally done his business, zips up and heads straight to the door saying, "I went to the University of Alberta, and they taught us not to pee on our hands!"

funniness: 8.37

rating: PG

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Virginia M.

"Be Very Quiet" A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said: "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field." A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran Back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet." The boy, bless his heart, answered; "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said, Should we eat them here or take them with us?' "Well, I guess I just panicked..............."

funniness: 8.25

rating: PG

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.mally-sportsrulle m.

If You Get Caught Sleeping at Your Desk 1. They told me at the blood bank this might happen. 2. This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to. 3. Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper. 4. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm! 5. This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people! 6. I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance. 7. Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP). I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend. 8. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. 9. Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem. 10. The coffee machine is broken. 11. Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot. 12. Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off! 13. Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic! 14. I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands. 15. Amen.

funniness: 8.31

rating: G

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Moe R.

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back: Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregorieva from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.' Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.' Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father. ' Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.' Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.' Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.' At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.' Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.' Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?'

funniness: 9.44

rating: PG-13

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Moe R.

Skydiving Test A man has just come home after his first jump as a paratrooper. His father an old vet himself asks his son how it went. "Well dad everyone else was nervous but I felt totally calm. Finally it came my turn to jump and I don't know what happened, I just froze up, I couldn't jump. Finally the drill instructor came up to me and said "IF YOU DON"T JUMP RIGHT THIS INSTANT I'LL STICK MY DICK SO FAR UP YOUR ASS IT'LL COME OUT YOUR NOSE!" "Damm son" the father said "did you jump?" "Yeah, a little bit at first!"

funniness: 8.69

rating: PG-13

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Mo m.

Smithsonian Institute, Paleoanthropology Letter of Rejection Paleoanthropology Division Smithsonian Institute 207 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, DC 20078 16-July-1998 Dear Sir: Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it's modern origin: The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that: 1 - The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on. 2 - Clams don't have teeth. It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in it's normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin. However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus Rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench. Yours in Science, Harvey Rowe Curator, Antiquities

funniness: 8.73

rating: PG

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Moe R.

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS 1. A man comes into the ER and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs -- and I was in the wrong one. Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX 2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient. Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA 3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.' Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg 4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one?' I asked. 'The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now I'm running out of places to put it!' I had him quickly undress, and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St . Clair, Norfolk , VA. 5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion, she answered...'Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive.' Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR 6. I was caring for a woman and asked, 'So, how's your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I c can't seem to get used to the taste,' the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.' Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI 7. A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.' Submitted by RN, no name AND FINALLY!!!... 8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied, 'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.' Doctor wouldn't submit his name (Can't blame him!)

funniness: 9.45

rating: PG-13

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lochard d.

funniness: 9.21

rating: PG

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Julie J.

funniness: 9.83

rating: PG

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Moe R.

funniness: 9.32

rating: PG

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