Funny.com. Work in progress... In the meantime, here are 10 random funny stuff for you:

Josh S.

1. Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 2. Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back. 3. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once. 4. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. 5. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. 6. Never answer an anonymous letter. 7. It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better. 8. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 9. Always go to other people?s funerals, or they won?t go to yours. 10. Few women admit their age; few men act it. 11. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat? 12. No one is listening until you make a mistake. 13. Give me ambiguity or give me something else. 14. We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"? 15. He who laughs last thinks slowest. 16. Campers: Nature?s way of feeding mosquitoes. 17. Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else. 18. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. 19. There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't. 20. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word? 21. Nuke the Whales. 22. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it. 23. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 24. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 25. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 26. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. 27. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. 28. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep. 29. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it. 30. You can't have everything; where would you put it? 31. I took an IQ test and the results were negative. 32. Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check? 33. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. 34. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. 35. DNA: National Dyslexic Association. 36. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 37. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 38. Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway. 39. DARE to keep cops off donuts. 40. Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool. 41. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 42. Dyslexics of the world, untie! 43. God made mankind. Sin made him evil. 44. I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere. 45. I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back. 46. Don't steal. The government hates competition. 47. Humpty Dumpty was pushed. 48. National Atheist's Day April 1st. 49. All generalizations are false. 50. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. 51. Work is for people who don't know how to fish. 52. If you don't like the news, go out and make some. 53. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism. 54. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got. 55. I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want? 56. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure. 57. I can handle pain until it hurts. 58. No matter where you go, you're there. 59. If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane. 60. It's been Monday all week. 61. Gravity always gets me down. 62. This statement is false. 63. Eschew obfuscation. 64. They told me I was gullible...and I believed them. 65. It's bad luck to be superstitious. 66. According to my best recollection, I don't remember. 67. The word ?gullible? isn?t in the dictionary. 68. Honk if you like peace and quiet. 69. The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG! it happened. 70. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 71. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? 72. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. 73. A day without sunshine is like, night. 74. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 75. Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines! 76. Gravity- It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW! 77. Life is too complicated in the morning. 78. We are all part of the ultimate statistic?ten out of ten die. 79. Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody. 80. Ask me about my vow of silence. 81. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread. 82. The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do. 83. Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way. 84. If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria. 85. If at first you don?t succeed, don?t try skydiving. 86. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 87. Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them! 88. I intend to live forever. So far so good. 89. Who is "General Failure" and why is he reading my hard disk? 90. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 91. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. 92. Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery. 93. I didn?t use to finish sentences, but now I 94. I?ve had amnesia as long as I can remember. 95. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. 96. Vacation begins when Dad says, "I know a short cut." 97. Evolution: True science fiction. 98. What's another word for Thesaurus? 99. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. 100. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. 101. I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out.

funniness: 8.52

rating: PG

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Berenice L.

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read: "Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband" When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

funniness: 8.83

rating: PG-13

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Moe R.

funniness: 8.02

rating: PG-13

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Joe S.

An elderly man was driving down the freeway when his cell phone rang. He answered it and it was his wife. She said, "Be careful, honey! I heard on the news that there is a car driving backwards on the freeway!" The elderly man responds, "It's not just one car... it's all of them!!!"

If your going to have a senior moment, make it memorable!

funniness: 8.18

rating: G

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Moe R.

funniness: 8.68

rating: PG-13

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omar m.

THE SHIT LIST Sometimes when shit happens, you want to be able to articulate the experience more than just you've, taken a shit. Here are some shit definitions to help you explain the situation better to your friends and family... Ghost Shit You know you've shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but no shit in the bowl. Teflon Coated Shit Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of shit on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it! Gooey Shit This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet. Second Thought Shit You're all done wiping your ass and you're about to stand up when you realize it.....you've got some more. Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Shit This kind is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard. Bali Belly Shit You shit so much you lose 5 kilos. Right Now Shit You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down. King Kong or Commode Choker Shit This shit is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually happens at someone else's house. Wet Cheeks Shit This shit hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your ass wet. Wish Shit You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no shit! Cement Block or Oh God Shit You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you shit. Snake Shit This shit is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long. Cork Shit (Also Known as Floater Shit) Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This shit usually happens at someone else's house. Mexican Food Shit (also called Screamers) You'll know it's alright to eat again when your asshole stops burning. Beer Drunk Shit This happens the day after the night before. Normally your shit doesn't smell too bad, but this shit is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of shit also usually happens at someone else's house. The Frightened Turtle The kind of shit that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in The Bungee Shit The kind of shit that just hangs off your ass before it falls into the water. The Ring of Fire Shit The kind of shit where you eat really spicy food and your asshole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter. The Crippler The kind of shit where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down. The Big Bobber The kind of shit that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface. The Shitty Shitty Bang Bang The kind of shit that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam. The Incredible Hulk Shit The king of shit that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size. The Jack the Ripper Shit The kind of shit that yanks out the hair of your ass as it pushes its way out. The Party Pooper The giant shit you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise. The Toxic Gas Shit The kind of shit that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town. Dirty Bowl Shit The kind of shit that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl. The Windy City Shit When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a shit. Oh Shit! Shit You shit so much and wipe your ass so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH SHIT! The Never Ending Shit It's the shit that keeps running out of your ass like pea, and just when you start wiping your ass your stomach gargles and splash, more shit runs out. This always happens after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken. Ouch That Hurt Shit The type of shit that leaves you feeling like you just hoped onto a bicycle without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours

funniness: 9.67

rating: R

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Moe R.

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird?s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird?s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ?clean up? the bird?s vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he?d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John?s outstretched arms and said, ?I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I?m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.? John was stunned at the change in the bird?s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, ?May I ask what the turkey did??

funniness: 9.27

rating: PG

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Moe R.

funniness: 9.45

rating: PG

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Moe R.

Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have? Johnny: Seven Sir Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have? Johnny: Seven Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have? Johnny: Six. Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have? Johnny: Seven! Teacher: Where the fuck do you get seven from? Johnny: Because I've already got a FUCKING rabbit at home.

funniness: 8.93

rating: PG-13

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Charles H.

This kid knows how to prioritze

funniness: 9.30

rating: PG

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