Funny.com. Work in progress... In the meantime, here are 10 random funny stuff for you:

Moe R.

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult. But don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question! # 1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way. # 2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator? Wrong Answer. Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions. # 3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend... except one. Which animal does not attend? Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities. # 4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it? Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes. According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.

funniness: 8.50

rating: G

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Virginia M.

Did you fart, cause you blew me away. Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special. My love for you is like diarrhea...I can't hold it in. Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out. Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them. If you and I were squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away. Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT?" Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice." I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I could make your bed-rock. Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon. and....the best for last! Your face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up.

funniness: 8.23

rating: PG-13

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eric h.

TO: All Employees RE: Swearing at work It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner. 1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training. INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing. 2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter. INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__. 3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late. INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this? 4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible. INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way. 5) TRY SAYING: Really? INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me! 6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with... INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__. 7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project. INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem. 8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting. INSTEAD OF: What the f___? 9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented. INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work. 10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that. INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner? 11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues. INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__. 12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir? INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die. 13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it? INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__. 14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment. INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary. 15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand. INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__. 16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge. INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks. 17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that? INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss? 18) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive. INSTEAD OF: He's a f___ing pr_ck.

funniness: 8.57

rating: PG-13

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A R.

funniness: 10.00

rating: PG-13

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Moe R.

Only the Irish have Jokes Like These Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp " What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. " Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." " That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?" That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight." An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. " So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. " Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says t he cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf." Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya". "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" " That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." "O h, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry. Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" " It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." " Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee." Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's i n tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? " She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...' AND THE BEST FOR L AST A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

funniness: 8.39

rating: PG

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denyse n.

ONIONS AND CHRISTMAS TREES A family is at the dinner table.The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions". "Onions?" "Yes, you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree". "A Christmas tree?" "Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

funniness: 8.44

rating: PG-13

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ashley l.

funniness: 8.43

rating: R

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anthony s.

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction,all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

funniness: 9.09

rating: PG

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Jessica W.

funniness: 8.19

rating: PG

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Moe R.

funniness: 9.75

rating: PG

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