Funny.com. Work in progress... In the meantime, here are 10 random funny stuff for you:

Frank C.

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes. Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female." For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that. It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well." The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle. For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female." The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay."

funniness: 8.07

rating: PG

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nathan s.

Can you slam a revolving door? How young can you be, but still die of old age? What would happen if you found a four-leaf-clover under a ladder? Can a cross-eyed teacher control his pupils? Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? If winnie the pooh was civilized enough to keep his honey in jars, why did he eat it off his hands? Surely he had spoons? What happens if you get a paper cut from a Get Well card? Can you read a picture book? Why does it say "shake well" on ketchup bottles, but not ketchup packets? Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? Is eating a mermaid considered cannibalism? Why does it say do not use before work with heavy machinery on the back of childrens tylenol? I mean..really could we save that many people by getting those darn five year-olds with headcolds off those forklifts! If mirrors need light to work, what happens if you put night vision goggles on in the dark and look at a mirror? if you're on an American airline, and you land in Canada and stay on the plane, is the drinking age still 21 or does it change to 19? What happens if every team in the NFL goes 8-8? What shape is the sky? If a Jewish person goes to court and is asked to put their right hand on the Bible, do they use a Torah instead? Why is it written "May contain traces of peanuts or other kind of nuts" on peanut butter jars. Are people stupid enough not to realize it themselves? If you only have one eye...are you blinking or winking? If you have a gun and you ask, "can I ask you a question?" and they say "fire away" should you shoot them? What is a chickpea if it is neither a chick nor a pea? Why is it called the People's Republic Of China when China's not a republic? Why are dandelions considered weeds when daisies are considered flowers? Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? Whenever an adult is kidnapped why isn't it called adultnapped?? Why do blacklights look purple? Did Yankee Doodle name the feather, hat, town, or his pony Macaroni? Why is it that people duck in the rain, do they really think the rain won't hit them? How come the Bible is the most stolen book, and one of the ten comandments is "thou shall not steal"? Why isn't the caps lock capitalized? If there's a hole straight through the earth, from the south pole to the north pole, and you jump through it what would happen? would you keep falling forever, or fall back down when you get to the middle, or is it physically impossible? If someone with a nostril ring takes it out, then blows their nose, do they have to cover that hole as well as their nostril holes so that snot does'nt blow out everywere? Isn't it weird that if you rearange the word "teacher" you get "cheater"? How come whenever you start to sing, you automatically sing in a higher voice than you talk? How come people say they ate the last piece of gum, when they really just chew it? If a pope goes to the bathroom, is it considered holy crap? You know the saying "throw ya hands in the air like ya don't care"? why bother doing that if you dont care? Why is there no pine or apple in pineapple? If "Fantasy Island" really granted wishes, why wasn't Tattoo 6'6" ? Why do water bottles have a "best if used by" date? If you called the police station to talk to an officer and he was not there, would that be considered a cop out? Can bald people get a hair line fracture? Why do they put holes in crackers? How come on TV the bell always rings and then the kids go to class, but in real life you need to be in class before the bell rings? Why can the saying "it's all downhill from here." mean both that it will be easy and that it is going to get worse? If all of ACME's products backfire, why does Wile E. Coyote keep buying them? Why do "cool" and "hot" mean the same thing? If you sneeze and fart at the same time, does a vacuum form in your stomach? Why does triangularly cut bread taste better than square bread? Does a baby feel the umbilical cord being cut off? Is it legal to name your kid "Anonymous"? Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? If you have a pet with 2 heads do you have to name both heads? Why can't liquor freeze? If you dig a hole in the south pole are you digging up or down? How come they don't add the time that we are in our mom's to our age? Why do people squint their eyes when they can't see? Wouldn't that just make it less space to see out of? What is a hacky, and why is it in a sack? Who was in the kitchen with Dina? Why do we have to pay a toll on "freeways"? Why do they call them pepperoni if there is no pepper in it? How old does something have to be to become an antique? Can a school teacher give a homeless child homework? Why do they say "an alarm going off," if it is really going on? Do babies produce more spit than adults? How come French fries are not considered a vegetable, they are just deep fried potatoes? Do cows have calf muscles? Why is shampoo clear but conditioner not? If conjoined twins participate in sports, do they count as one or two players? If a singer sings their own song during a karaoke party, is it considered karaoke? Why do mattresses have designs on them when they're always covered with sheets? If you died with braces on would they take them off? If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember that they forgot? Can someone have their head in the clouds and be down-to- earth at the same time? Why is Joey short for Joe, when Joey has more letters? If you were a pastor, and you were getting married, would you hire a pastor, or would you do the wedding yourself? Is there a certain temperature at which it stops being qualified as cold? At what temperature does it qualify as hot? Why is most lunchmeat bigger than the bread? Why is it that whenever you sing to the radio, your voice is higher? Even when you have a low voice? How come toy hippos are always blue, or purple, when real hippos are brown? Have ex-punsters been expunged? Have ex-mathematicians become dysfunctional? Have ex-locomotive engineers been derailed? Have ex-civil lawyers been distorted? Have ex-bankers become disinterested? Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs? You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water? Can fat people go skinny-dipping? You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

funniness: 8.10

rating: G

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A R.

These are actual jokes told by comedians. I DID NOT MAKE THEM UP! They were from a joke book. Enjoy! 1. Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door. -Jerry Seinfeld (on music) 2. Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. -Red Buttons (on spanking) 3. I never met anyone who thought southern is the world's most intelligent-sounding accent. None of us would want to hear our brain surgeon say, "Aright...what we gon' do is saw the top of yer head off, root around in 'er with a stick, and see if we cain't find that dadburned clot." You say, "No thanks, I'll just die, okay?" -Jeff Foxworthy (on Accents) 4. I got into a car wreck when I was twenty-two. Hit a damn lake. I thought the road was slick. State trooper sloshing up to my car asks me, "Have you been drinking?" How many sober people do you know who slam into lakes? "No, I ran out of gas. I could have made it across with a full tank." -Kenny Rogerson (on Accidents) 5. I became a mom six months ago. I adopted a highway. I'm trying to teach it to pick up after itself. -Nancy Jo Perdue (on Adoption) 6. I discovered my wife in bed with another man. I was crushed. So I said, "Get off me, you two!" -Emo Philips (on Adultery) 7. The basic beer ad: big-breasted babes in bikinis. Beer won't get you babes. But if you drink enough, you think they're babe. And if you drink more, you grow your own breasts. -Norman K. (on Advertising) 8. Just after my thirtieth birthday, instead of growing hair on my head, I now was growing it in places where I didn't need it, like the top of my ear. A strand had sprouted there overnight and made me looke like something out of The Cat in the Hat. -Bill Cosby (on Aging) 9. I hate flying in small planes. In the airport you see, "Flight 109: Departures, Arrivals--Odds." -Billy Crystal (on Airplanes) 10. Booze makes you loud. It's written on the label, "Alcohol percent by volume." -Mark Lundholm (on Alcohol) 11. We get upset when dolphins get caught in tuna nets, but no one cares about the ten thousand dead tuna. Because they're not cute. Dophins, on the other hand, have that great round, smiling face, the friendly eyes, the bald head. They look like you uncle Marvin. We can't slaughter anything that might show up for the holidays. -Paul Reiser (on Animal Rights) 12. If you look at a platypus, you think that God might get stoned---"Okay, let's take a beaver and put on a duck's bill. It's a mammal, but it lays eggs. Hey Darwin! Kiss my ass!" -Robin Williams (on Animals) 13. I always wanted to be the last man on earth, just to see if all those women were lying to me. -Ronnie Shakes (on Apocalypse) 14. I'm taking an art class and the nude model quit. Because I like to finger paint. -Wendy Liebman (on Art) 15. I'm paranoid. On my stationary bike I have a rear-view mirror. -Richard Lewis (on Attitude) 16. In some cultures they don't name their babies right away. They wait and see how the child develops, like it Dances with Wolves. Unfortunately, our kids' names would be less romantic and poetic. "This is my oldest boy, Falls Off His Tricycle, his friend Dribbles His Juice, and my beautiful daughter, Allergic to Nuts." -Paul Reiser (on Baby) 17. I prefer balding men. Why would you want to run your hands through a man's hair when you could shove your fist right into his skull? -Stephanie Hodge (on Bald) 18. I went into the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asks, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife. -Rodney Dangerfield (on Bars) 19. During the summer I like to go to the beach and make sand castles out of cement. And wait for kids to run by and try to kick them over. -James Leemer (on Beaches) 20. I don't understand camping. Maybe it's because I'm from New York, where we call it homeless. I am not leaving my apartment to go lay outside. -Karen Williams (on Camping) More to come soon!

funniness: 8.56

rating: G

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.mally-sportsrulle m.

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO, and the Cartoon Network!" When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house. "Is that your grandmother?" I asked. "Yes, 'Chris said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas." "How nice," I said. "Where does she live?" "At the airport," Chris replied. "Whenever we want her, we just go out there and get her." I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and she was always correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!" When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for, then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter. "What are you doing?" his Mom asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal." This little grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men and she asked him why they were there and he said "On TV they say, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!' " A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens." "How did you know that?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom." THE ELDERLY: While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!" When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but what is growing in your butt?" Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Mrs. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Mrs. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned." "When I Die, I Want To Die Like My Grandfather Who Died Peacefully In His Sleep. Not Screaming Like All The Passengers In His Car."

funniness: 8.55

rating: G

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Kelly H.

Three men are on a trip to Saudi Arabia. On their way they stumble into a tent filled with 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with the women, when suddenly, the master of the women came in. "I am the master of all these women. You three shall pay for what you have done. You will be punished in a way corresponding to you jobs." He turns to the first man and asks what he does for a living. The man tells him, "I'm a cop." "Then we will shoot your penis off." He turns to the next man and asks him the same question. He tells the sheik that he is a fireman, and they burn his penis off. Finally, the sheik looks at the last man and says, "And you?" The man looks at him with a sly grin and tells the sheik, "I'm a lollypop salesman."

funniness: 8.61

rating: R

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Vasiliy O.

funniness: 8.41

rating: PG-13

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Vasiliy O.

funniness: 8.15

rating: PG

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Moe R.

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology when he turned to his wife and said, 'Honey, I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.' She said, 'You have the biggest dick out of all your friends!'......

funniness: 9.53

rating: PG-13

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Moe R.

funniness: 8.88

rating: PG

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pvlk k.

funniness: 8.94

rating: PG

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