Funny.com. Work in progress... In the meantime, here are 10 random funny stuff for you:

Brad M.

A lawyer, an accountant, and a cowboy are standing at the men's washroom urinals, doing their business. The lawyer zips up first, walks over to the sink, washes his arms up to the elbows, and takes a huge bunch of paper towels to dry off. He says, "I went to Harvard University, and they taught us to be sanitary". He leaves. Then, the accountant zips up, walks over to the sink, wets the tips of his fingers, and takes a tiny strip of paper towel to dry off. He says, "I went to the University of Yale, and they taught us to be environmentally friendly". He leaves as well. The cowboy, finally done his business, zips up and heads straight to the door saying, "I went to the University of Alberta, and they taught us not to pee on our hands!"

funniness: 8.37

rating: PG

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Moe R.

Story about Getting Even.......... One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her, so we named her 'Pussycat.' The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other, and constantly 'snip' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion. The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more, and it's finally clean and shaved, so she now smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!' Then he closed the door. Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!

funniness: 9.07

rating: PG-13

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Kim L.

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers." And the congregation said, "Amen".

funniness: 8.39

rating: PG

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satin w.

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be the boss. The brain said, "since I control everything and do all the thinking, I should be the boss." The feet said, "since I carry man where he wants to go and get him in position to do what the brain wants, then I should be the boss." The hands said, "since I must do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going, I should be the boss." And so it went with the eyes, the heart, the lungs, and all the other parts of the body, each giving the reason why they should be the boss. Finally, the asshole spoke up and said it was going to be the boss. All the other parts laughed and laughed at the idea of the asshole being the boss. The asshole got so angry that he blocked himself off and refused to function. Soon the brain was feverish and could barely think, the feet felt like lead weights and was almost too weak to drag the body anywhere, the eyes grew bleary, and the hands hung useless at the sides. All pleaded with the brain to let the asshole be declared the boss. And so it happened; all the other parts did all the work and the asshole just bossed and passed out a lot of crap. THE MORAL: You don't have to be a brain to be a boss, just an old asshole. Alternate moral: No matter how well things are going, it can all be shut down by a single asshole.

this is funny

funniness: 8.02

rating: PG

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Moe R.

PETER KAY ONE LINERS I saw a fat person wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?' When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me. I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming. I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals. Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way. My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade. S*x is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand. I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.' If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat? I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.. PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones. At the end of every party there is always a girl crying. Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl. You never know where to look when eating a banana. You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses. Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee. Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed? Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'? Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside? Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries have a 'use by' date? Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat? Is French kissing in France just called kissing? Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'llsqueeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'? What do people in China call their good quality plates? Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? What do you call male ballerinas? Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'? If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.

funniness: 9.33

rating: PG

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Moe R.

funniness: 8.62

rating: PG

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Moe R.

Snow Plow One winter morning at breakfast a couple was listening to the radio. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." The wife went out and moved her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10-12 inches of snow today, you will need to move your car to the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through." So the wife went out and moved her car again. The next week, while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12-14 inches of snow today and you must park..." Then the power went off! The wife was very upset. With a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street am I supposed to park on?" With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, her husband said, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."

funniness: 8.96

rating: G

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Moe R.

A word to the wise. For all those who are retired and those who hope to retire. I suggest that you pay close attention to Jims? tale. ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND: It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are overly sensitive, and there?s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Terri. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Terri to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don?t yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men?s Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I?m ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it?s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won?t clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take `em for better or worse, so I just smile an do offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won?t have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn?t hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points. When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene. I?m a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Terri. I?m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other. Signed, Jim EDITOR?S NOTE: Jim died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Terri was arrested and charged with murder. < The all-women jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

funniness: 8.37

rating: PG

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Vasiliy O.

funniness: 9.00

rating: PG

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Moe R.

funniness: 8.00

rating: R

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