Dick C.

Can you slam a revolving door? nope. How young can you be, but still die of old age? around 70. What would happen if you found a four-leaf-clover under a ladder? you would have a plant. that you happened to find under a ladder. good job. Can a cross-eyed teacher control his pupils? oh yeah, let's use pun humor. loser. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? they don't hope something new has materialized. as they get hungrier and hungrier, they are willing to eat more different things. so they go look at something in the fridge and ask themself: "am i really hungry enough to eat THAT?" If winnie the pooh was civilized enough to keep his honey in jars, why did he eat it off his hands? Surely he had spoons? he was a cartoon character designed for the entertainment of little kids. the fact that you watch it enough to notice this says something. What happens if you get a paper cut from a Get Well card? you'll have a paper cut. and a card. smart one. Can you read a picture book? well it depends. are there words in said picture book? Why does it say "shake well" on ketchup bottles, but not ketchup packets? because, dumbass, there's not enough ketchup in a packet for the ingredients to separate and settle. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? nope. Is eating a mermaid considered cannibalism? mermaids don't exist, genius. Why does it say do not use before work with heavy machinery on the back of childrens tylenol? I mean..really could we save that many people by getting those darn five year-olds with headcolds off those forklifts! You'd be suprised how many old people take children's medication because the full-strength is too strong for them. If mirrors need light to work, what happens if you put night vision goggles on in the dark and look at a mirror? i don't know. try it. my guess is that you won't see yourself. if you're on an American airline, and you land in Canada and stay on the plane, is the drinking age still 21 or does it change to 19? 19 as soon as you're over the border. i'm pretty sure the captain will announce that over the speaker system. What happens if every team in the NFL goes 8-8? they play each other again to see who makes the playoffs. What shape is the sky? doesn't have one. If a Jewish person goes to court and is asked to put their right hand on the Bible, do they use a Torah instead? no. they use a Tanakh. the Torah is just part of it. learn your cultures before you start pissing people off. Why is it written "May contain traces of peanuts or other kind of nuts" on peanut butter jars. Are people stupid enough not to realize it themselves? yes. they are. trust me. people can be pretty damn stupid. If you only have one eye...are you blinking or winking? not sure. probably blinking. why do you care? If you have a gun and you ask, "can I ask you a question?" and they say "fire away" should you shoot them? no, dumbass. that would be called murder. you go to jail for that. What is a chickpea if it is neither a chick nor a pea? it is a pea. Why is it called the People's Republic Of China when China's not a republic? they want it to sound nice, so you go there and get enslaved. Why are dandelions considered weeds when daisies are considered flowers? dandelions are weeds because they choke water away from the surrounding grass, eventually killing it. daisies, however, do not. Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? sick humor. Whenever an adult is kidnapped why isn't it called adultnapped? it's just the term for the crime. you never hear about a truck-jacking, or jayrunning. live with it. Why do blacklights look purple? well, a light couldn't actually be BLACK, now could it? think about it. Did Yankee Doodle name the feather, hat, town, or his pony Macaroni? the combination of the feather and the hat, i believe. once again, why the hell do you care?! Why is it that people duck in the rain, do they really think the rain won't hit them? first instict. How come the Bible is the most stolen book, and one of the ten comandments is "thou shall not steal"? people steal it from hotels, to get back at the maids, who steal from them all the time. Why isn't the caps lock capitalized? well, why would it be? none of the other keys with words on them are. it would just look stupid. If there's a hole straight through the earth, from the south pole to the north pole, and you jump through it what would happen? would you keep falling forever, or fall back down when you get to the middle, or is it physically impossible? impossible. you'd gravity would push you back toward the center of the earth, where you would incinerate. maybe you should try it, so you stop with these questions. go on. i'll wait. If someone with a nostril ring takes it out, then blows their nose, do they have to cover that hole as well as their nostril holes so that snot does'nt blow out everywere? I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO GO DIE! and the hole is so small it doesn't make a difference. Isn't it weird that if you rearange the word "teacher" you get "cheater"? isn't it weird that when you rearrange the words "mother-in-law" you get the words "woman hitler"? there's a whole list of those floating around somewhere on this site. it's called a COINCIDENCE buddy. How come whenever you start to sing, you automatically sing in a higher voice than you talk? not always. sometimes it's lower. and you gotta hit the notes, so of course you change your voice. How come people say they ate the last piece of gum, when they really just chew it? because most things that are put into the mouth and not seen again for long periods of time are considered eaten. If a pope goes to the bathroom, is it considered holy crap? i do not know. i do not want to know. for the tenth time, WHY DO YOU CARE? You know the saying "throw ya hands in the air like ya don't care"? why bother doing that if you dont care? that phrase was invented because IT RHYMES. Why is there no pine or apple in pineapple? it's a fruit. they couldn't think of any new names. so they combined 2 old ones. If "Fantasy Island" really granted wishes, why wasn't Tattoo 6'6" ? he was a midget. live with it. Why do water bottles have a "best if used by" date? most of em don't. the ones that do aren't just water. If you called the police station to talk to an officer and he was not there, would that be considered a cop out? oh my god. STOP WITH THE PUNS. NOW. Can bald people get a hair line fracture? well DUH. it has nothing to do with hair! Why do they put holes in crackers? same reason they put holes in donuts. they bake better that way. How come on TV the bell always rings and then the kids go to class, but in real life you need to be in class before the bell rings? you need to be in class before the SECOND bell rings. the first one is telling you to get your ass to class. obviously you've never been to school. this explains a LOT of these questions. Why can the saying "it's all downhill from here." mean both that it will be easy and that it is going to get worse? depends on who you're hearing it from. it's like the whole glass half empty, glass half full thing. in your case, i'd say it's going to get worse. If all of ACME's products backfire, why does Wile E. Coyote keep buying them? what the hell else does he have out in the desert?! and once again, WHY THE HELL DO YOU CARE?!! it's a kids' cartoon! just let it be! Why do "cool" and "hot" mean the same thing? they DON'T. once again, this lack of knowledge explains a lot about you. If you sneeze and fart at the same time, does a vacuum form in your stomach? oh my god. you have a serious problem. no. Why does triangularly cut bread taste better than square bread? it doesn't. you just think it does because you are completely psychotic. Does a baby feel the umbilical cord being cut off? nope. it ain't part of the baby. Is it legal to name your kid "Anonymous"? duh. some stupid celeb named their kid "apple". they let you live past the age of 10. a lot of things are legal these days. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? WHY THE HELL DO YOU CARE?! If you have a pet with 2 heads do you have to name both heads? *see last question* Why can't liquor freeze? alcohol drastically lowers the freezing point. it CAN freeze, it just has to be REALLY cold. finally, a question worth answering. If you dig a hole in the south pole are you digging up or down? down, moron. you see, there's this thing called gravity. it pulls us toward earth and keeps us right side up. How come they don't add the time that we are in our mom's to our age? because according to certain people, you are not alive during that time period. this gives them an excuse to murder you before you leave the womb. Why do people squint their eyes when they can't see? narrows the field of focus, makes you see better. Wouldn't that just make it less space to see out of? that's the POINT. What is a hacky, and why is it in a sack? because stupid skaters like to play with it. Who was in the kitchen with Dina? a banjo player. and yet again, WHY. DO. YOU. CARE?! Why do we have to pay a toll on "freeways"? oh my god. someone please, shut this fucker up! Why do they call them pepperoni if there is no pepper in it? there IS! it's a spiced sausage. the fact that it's a sausage means that you probably don't want to know what's in it. How old does something have to be to become an antique? 50 years i believe. Can a school teacher give a homeless child homework? someone kill this person. PUNS ARE NOT FUNNY!!!!!!!! Why do they say "an alarm going off," if it is really going on? it was already on. it was wired, it was just waiting for a chance to sound the alarm. going off is just the term used. Do babies produce more spit than adults? no. why would you think that? How come French fries are not considered a vegetable, they are just deep fried potatoes? because they are DEEP FRIED. that makes em unhealthy. Do cows have calf muscles? STOP WITH THE FUCKING PUNS!!!!!!!!!! NOW!!! Why is shampoo clear but conditioner not? they have different stuff in em. If conjoined twins participate in sports, do they count as one or two players? two. which is why they tend not to be welcome on the sports teams. If a singer sings their own song during a karaoke party, is it considered karaoke? nope. Why do mattresses have designs on them when they're always covered with sheets? they usually don't. and sometimes they aren't covered. If you died with braces on would they take them off? i don't think so. If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember that they forgot? well DUH. Can someone have their head in the clouds and be down-to- earth at the same time? Why is Joey short for Joe, when Joey has more letters? they're both short for Joseph. If you were a pastor, and you were getting married, would you hire a pastor, or would you do the wedding yourself? you have to hire one. Is there a certain temperature at which it stops being qualified as cold? At what temperature does it qualify as hot? it stops qualifying as cold when people aren't cold anymore. it starts qualifying as hot when people get hot. Why is most lunchmeat bigger than the bread? it isn't. Why is it that whenever you sing to the radio, your voice is higher? Even when you have a low voice? TO MATCH THE NOTES. JUST LIKE BEFORE. IT HASN'T CHANGED YET. How come toy hippos are always blue, or purple, when real hippos are brown? BECAUSE THEY'RE TOYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! they're supposed to be colorful!!! and once again: WHY the HELL do you CARE?!?!? Have ex-punsters been expunged? if you say one more pun... Have ex-mathematicians become dysfunctional? that's it. i'm gonna put you out of your misery. Have ex-locomotive engineers been derailed? where do you live? Have ex-civil lawyers been distorted? which bones in your body would you least like broken? Have ex-bankers become disinterested? what would you consider the most painful way to die? Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs? on what days will you be at home, with no witnesses around? You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? ah, this isn't a pun! the answer is because the fuckin plane wouldn't fly. After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water? another pun. *sighs* i should have seen it coming. which of your family members or friends do you value the most? Can fat people go skinny-dipping? we don't want them to. would you consider a gun or a chainsaw more threatening? You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"? you're holding it upside down, dumbass.

funniness: 6.12

rating: PG-13