William D.

Most of these jokes are from my friends that had most of these posted on geocities.com. So therefore, I give geocities.com full credit for these jokes.I do not know how many are, but, they are pretty good jokes, and the rating is a little bit critical I think, but I just wanna make sure people are prepared. (Some adults may not want young children t oread some of these), y' know, one of those "overprotective" situations. But enough with the talk......here are the jokes. Designated drunkard Rednecks don't let friends drive home drunk, they get drunk and ride with them. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Alabama Farmer What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm? A pimp. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Redneck Fitness You know you're a redneck when your stair master has an ashtray! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Redneck Retaliation A ventriloquist was making fun of rednecks with his dummy at a bar. Then an angry redneck stood up, rolled up his sleeves ,and yelled, "I resent that!" The ventriloquist started apologizing to the redreck. The redneck looked at him and said, " You stay outta this, I''m talking to the guy on your lap!!!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ba Ba Black Sheep Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex. "It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled. "That sounds wonderful," said Jed. "Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us." "Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?" "Baaaaa..." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Top 10 Reasons to Know You're a Redneck 1. Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife. 2. You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations. 3. You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house. 4. You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket. 5. You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday. 6. You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper. 7. You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops. 8. You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway. 9. You have buried a dog and cried like a baby. 10. You've used the same knife to make bull calves steers and peel apples. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Redneck Engineering Exam 1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum. 2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? a) '66 Ford Fairlane b) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle c) '64 Pontiac GTO 3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product? 4. A pulpwood cutter has chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The lot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tall-Boys will it take to cut the trees? 5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer? 6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed? 7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land? 8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields? 9. A Coal Mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift? 10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside? You might be i redneck if you drive your ... You might be a redneck if you drive your truck through a metal detector...and it doesn't go off. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Country War A Tennessee man and an Alabama man were fighting in a war, and both were caught by the enemy. "Before i put you to death," said the enemy, "do you have any last requests?" The Alabama man said, "Could you shoot me after you play the song 'Yeah, Alabama?" "Sure," the man agreed. "How about you?" The Tennessee man said, "COuld you shoot me before you play 'Yeah, Alabam?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sobriety Test A young man was pulled over by the Mississippi State Police for speeding. The officer stepped out of his patrol car, adjusted his sunglasses, and swaggered up to the young man's window. "What chew driving so fast for boy? You going to a fahhr? Let me see your license, boy." The young man handed over his license. Then the officer noticed that the back seat of the car was full of large knives. The officer said, "Tell me boy, why you got them knives on that there back seat?" The young man replied, "Well sir, I'm a juggler." The officer spat some tobacco juice and then he said, "A juggler; well you don't say. Boy, put cha hands on the trunk of yer car; you going to jail!" The young man pleaded with the officer not to take him to jail. He offered to prove to the officer that he was a juggler by way of demonstration. He said, "You can even hold me at gunpoint while I juggle for you." The officer reluctantly allowed him to prove his point while he held him at gunpoint. Two miles down the road at Joe's Tavern, Billy Bub was drinking it up with Jerry Lee Jones. Billy Bub soon left and got into his old, rusty pickup truck. He proceeded down the road trying his best to stay on the right side. All of a sudden Billy Bub spotted the most unbelievable sight of his life! He drove to the nearest phone booth and dialed the number for Joe's Tavern and asked for his buddy, Jerry Lee. When Jerry Lee got on the phone, Billy Bub said, "Whatever you do when you leave that tavern, don't go north on route 109. The state police are giving a sobriety test that nobody can pass!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fast Food for Rednecks You might be a redneck if you think fast food is hitting a deer at 60 miles an hour. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was this redneck that walked into a ... There was this redneck that walked into a bar and ordered a beer. While he was waiting on his drink he noticed a jar of money sitting on the counter. When the bartender came back the redneck asked the bartender about the money. The bartender replied, "Well, this money is for the goat we have outside." The redneck was puzzled so he asked again. "What exactly is this money for." The bartender replied. "Well, We have a goat outside and he just lays there and never moves or hollers or anything and who ever can make him holler gets this money." So the redneck finished him beer and goes outside. He comes back in and the goat is laughing so hard and can't stop. The bartender askes how he did it and the Redneck won't answer. So the redneck walks out of the bar with the money. A week later the Redneck comes in and sees the same bartender. He orders the same thing. And this time he sees another jar of money. He askes the bartender what this money was for. The bartender replies "Well, ever sence you got that goat to laugh, we can't get him to stop. So we made another jar. Who ever can get that goat to stop laughing gets the money." So, just like last time he finished his beer and went out side. Well when he came in, the goat was crying. The bartender was wondering how he did it and the redneck replied, "A redneck never lets out his secrets." So, he took his money and left. About a week later the redneck came back and he saw another jar of money. So, he asked the bartender what this jar was. The bartender replied "Well, you have us all wondering how you did it. First you made him laugh then you made him cry and we want to know how you did it." The redneck just sat there laughing. He says "Well, to make him laugh, I told him my penis was bigger than his and to make him cry, well, I proved it to him." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Highly Illogical Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history and logic. "What's logic?" asked Bubba. The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-whacker?" "I sure do," answered the redneck. "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor. "That's real good," the redneck responded in awe. The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house." Impressed, the redneck shouted, "AMAZIN'!" "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." "Betty Mae! This is incredible!" "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor. "You're absolutely right! Why, that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of! I cain't wait to take this here logic class." Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting. "So, what classes are ya takin?" he asks. "Math, history and logic," replies Bubba. Cooter says, "What in tarnation is logic?" "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?" "No." "You're a queer, ain't ya?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- NASCAR What does NASCAR stand for? Non Athletic Sport Created Around Rednecks -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A redneck taped paper to his television... A redneck taped toilet paper to his television. He said, "Hey, lookie here, now we have free paper view!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You might be a redneck if... You might be a redneck if you have ever been asked to leave a yardsale -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You might be a redneck if you can french-kiss... You might be a redneck if you can french kiss with a toothpick in your mouth. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Backwoods High Tech Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods. Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick. Byte - What your pitbull done to cousin Jethro. Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in. Terminal - Time to call the undertaker. Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited. Digital - The art of counting on your fingers. Diskette - Female Disco dancer. Fax - What you lie about to the IRS. Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking. Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos. Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair. Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere. Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food. Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers. Modem - What you do when the grass gets too high. Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live. Network - Scooping up a big fish before it breaks the line. ROM - Where the pope lives. Screen - Keeps mosquitoes off the porch. Serial Port - A red wine you drink with breakfast. Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year. SCSI (pronounced scuzzi) - What you call your week-old underwear. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tasties in a Half Shell Q: Why did God invent armadillos? A: So that rednecks can have 'possum on the half-shell. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Redneck Marriage How can you tell if a redneck is married? There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.

funniness: 6.13

rating: PG