Allison B.

I'd like to meet a guy named Art. I'd take him to a museum, hang him on the wall, criticize him, and leave. -Jarod Kintz I remember my Grand pappy sat me down one day and said, "In life there is no compass, you have to find your own direction. Just don't use your penis as the guiding needle." And to this day I still wonder how he knew my penis was so thin. -Jarod Kintz Someday I want to write the Boston Marathon of run-on sentences. And since it'll be so long, I'll replace all the commas with the word Gatorade, to help push people through it. -Jarod Kintz If girlfriends were knees, I'd love to have both of mine replaced. That way, it'd be easier to run around on them. -Jarod Kintz I consider conversations with people to be mind exorcizes. But I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning. -Jarod Kintz I love Huey Lewis, but not the News, because the news is too depressing. -Jarod Kintz To me, the perfect date consists of dinner, dancing, and sex, with a girl who has no stomach or legs, but does have an overactive sex drive. -Jarod Kintz My girlfriend loves Sex In The City. Trouble is, I live in the country. -Jarod Kintz When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance. -Jarod Kintz I saw this beautiful girl the other day. She had an ass behind her that seemed to go on for days. In fact, I'm still talking about her. -Jarod Kintz The Mythical Mr. Boo just had his tear ducts surgically relocated to his groin, because the only time he cries is when he's standing in front of a urinal. -Jarod Kintz When making love, you can really set the mood with ambient lighting. My girlfriend likes candles, where as I prefer the headlights of passing cars. -Jarod Kintz I caught my girlfriend in bed with another man, and I got so angry I kicked him out of his own house and made him divorce her. -Jarod Kintz To me, beer tastes like piss. Maybe that's why I only enjoy it in the shower with my uncle. -Jarod Kintz

funniness: 6.35

rating: R