Funny.com. Work in progress... In the meantime, here are 10 random funny stuff for you:

James L.

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'" "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

funniness: 8.88

rating: R

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bradly m.

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says,"Yeah. I was a salesman back in North Dakota." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and See how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, "One". The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.65". The boss says, "$101,237.65?" What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?" The kid said, "No the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot - you should go fishing.'

funniness: 9.37

rating: PG

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Virginia M.

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you." She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive. "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that... 1) you have to be single and 2) you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!" "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party!"

funniness: 8.52

rating: PG

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john w.

It has long been contended that there are male jokes and there are female jokes, and there are unisex jokes. Here is a joke I consider a true female joke. I offer it to you in the hopes that women will love it and men will pass it along to a woman who will love it! A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one condition." Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said... "Clean my house." YOU GO, GIRL!!!!

funniness: 8.35

rating: G

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BDee H.

Pat O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me lovely wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night! All the guys in the bar laughed. He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night. "She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" Pat said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh that is very nice indeed, Pat!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of Pat's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "Pat won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

funniness: 9.11

rating: PG-13

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Mark G.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time Yesterday it worked, today it doesnt. Microsoft Windows is like that. Reality is the only obstacle to happiness! A wise monkey never monkies with another monkey's monkey People are not lazy, they're just happy doing nothing. Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible? Working is for people who don't know how to fish. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Avoid hangovers by staying drunk. Excerceise and Diet... But you still Die. Be nice to your kids, they choose your nursing home. Save water, Drink beer. War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool. I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen The higher you are, the farther you fall Alcohol, the cause and solution to all of life's problems! Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Always tell the truth, even when you lie Facts: Every year more than 2500 left handed people are killed from using right handed products. If it is tourist season, why can't we shoot them? Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but milk does? Smile and the world smiles with you. Fart and you stand alone I Don't Like The Drugs, But The Drugs Like Me I'm better than normal, I'm abnormal! Save a tree, eat a beaver Politicians prefer unarmed peasants I'm not an alcoholic. I am a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings There are some that are wise and others that are otherwise When life hands you a lemon, break out the tequila and the salt! What is arrogance? Thinking you can compete with me! Trying is the first step towards failure If marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws Statistics are used by people who have no proof Divorce: from the Latin word meaning "to rip a man's heart out through his wallet You'll never get rid of a bad temper by losing it! I avoid temptation unless I can't resist it I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you to forget the question When cows laugh, does milk come out of their nose? Gravity always wins A clean dwelling place is the sign of a disturbed mind School is hell with flourescent lights The funny thing about Common sense is that it's not very common Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense Time is what keeps things from happening all at once Women/Men who seek to be equal with men/women lack ambition What happens if you get scared half to death...twice? Smile, it makes people wonder what you're up too.. Sometimes I wish I were you, just so I could be friends with me Everybody makes mistakes, thats why they put erasers on pencils Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital dying of nothing In the event of an emergency landing why do the people in the pamflet look so calm? You can better lose a lover than love a loser Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one In the land of the skunks he who has half a nose is king Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know where to shop I like to con and insult people, that's why I chose to become a Consultant Mental Health is overrated Geniuses are never understood in their own lifetimes You can trust the government, just ask the Indians People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do The rich get richer and the poor get children Drugs cause amnesia, and other things I can't remember

funniness: 8.59

rating: PG

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Moe R.

Mental Hospital Ron and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ron suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ron out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ron, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.' Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

funniness: 8.89

rating: PG

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Kim L.

To al the Parents and Grandparents out there !!!! THE TEA PARTY When I was a toddler, someone had given me a little Tea Set as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of "tea" which was just water, of course. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!" My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy. She watches him drink it up and then says, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that a toddler can reach to get water is the toilet?" THE END (I hear you laughing!)

funniness: 8.43

rating: G

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Moe R.

funniness: 8.25

rating: G

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Jessica W.

"Y R THEY DOING THIS!?!?! Y?!?!?!?!!?!"

funniness: 9.18

rating: PG-13

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