Alex V.

A burglar is robbing a house, when he hears a voice saying "Jesus is watching you". He looks around, and sees nothing, so he starts robbing again. Again, he hears a voice "Jesus is watching you" He looks again and finds nothing. He hears the voice a third time "Jesus is watching you". The burglar takes out his flashlight and shines it around the room, and finds a parrot. The burglar asks the parrot "what's your name"? The parrot responds "Mosus". The robber replies saying "What kind of people name the parrot mosus?" The parrot says "The same people that name their Rotweiler Jesus." *********************************************************** Joke 2 A man and his wife are sitting in their living room. They are both 90 years old, and they obviously forget a lot. The women says "Honney, can you go get me some Strawberries?" The man replies "sure, one moment" The women says "You might want to right it down, so you don't forget" Man: "Don't worry, I remember, you want strawberries" Women: Actually, while your up, could you get me some whipping cream on the too?" Man: "Yup" Women: "Right that down or you'll forget" Man: No no, I know you wanted Strawberries and Whipping cream" Women: Actually, one more thing, could you bring some Ice Cream too please?" Man: "Sure" Women: "Right that down or you'll forget" Man: "No, no, you want Strawberries, Whipping Cream, and Ice Cream" Women: "Ok, thank you" 2 Hours later the man comes back with bacon and eggs and the wife says "I told you to right it down, you forgot the toast!" *********************************************************** Joke 3 TO UNDERSTAND THIS JOKE YOU MUST HAVE SEEN THE BEGGINING OF SCARY MOVIE 4, WITH SHAQ AND DR.PHIL! Alternate Opening: Dialogue Shaq: Am I dead? Dr. Phil: Your not dead, you've been locked up and thrown in this celler Shaq: Kobe? ^^^^^---Alternate Ending Shaq: Am I dead? Dr. Phil: Your not dead, you've been raped and locked in this celler Shaq: Kobe? ********************************************************** Joke 4 A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain which it was,and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model. The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories. *********************************************************** Joke 5 The Rules Of Bedroom Golf 1. Each player should furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls. 2. Play on the course should be approved by the owner of the hole. 3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out. 4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play. 5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole 6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again. 7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to the well formed bunkers. 8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason. 9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection 10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course. 11. Players should not assume that a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case. 12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole. 13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine 14. Slow play is encouraged. However players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily at the course owners request. 15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.. *********************************************************** joke 6 The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute." The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress" she replied. "Needs ironing." he said.

funniness: 8.25

rating: PG-13