Francesca C.

1. Try to install your retinue of cuddly toys on the bed. 2. March around in front of him having a conversation on your mobile which goes something like this: 'Yeah. No. No, he's right in front of me. Hahaha. No, not even close. Hahahaha. Look, I'd better call you later.' 3. Leave tights on the radiator. Article 42 of the Geneva Convention states that this is an appalling infringement of his privacy, personal space and human rights if it takes place before two years of cohabitation. 4. Invite your mother to stay. 5. Invite his mother to stay. 6. Leave any diaries, old love letters, mobile-phone records, or photos of you with any old boyfriends around under anything less than Fort-Knox style lock-and-key, unless you want him to see them. And if you want him to see them, that's even worse. 7. Get drunk on your own and refuse to do anything other than sob inconsolably and fight off his attempts at consolation once he gets home. 8. Suggest modifications or improvements in the way he organises his books and CDs. 9. Label anything with the words 'his' and 'hers'. 10. Smile winsomely and indulgently as you surrender the remote control, like the saint you are. 11. Throw up on his favourite shirt/book and CD collection/either of your mothers. 12. Tell him about your day at work. 13. Trace a circle around his nipple with your forefinger, while you are lying in bed, and say 'Am I special? Am I? Am I?' 14. Leave shoes and half-empty handbags in every room in the house (permissible only after the three-year mark). 15. Suggest that, now you are living together, it might be worth opening a joint bank account and making a will. 16. 'Edit' his larder, disposing of all his favourite foodstuffs and replacing them with mung beans. 17. Invite your very attractive and newly single best friend round to spend the evening with you (one way or another, it will only lead to trouble). 18. Volunteer the flat you share with your beloved as a venue for a book circle/Ann Summers party/meeting of the Conservative Women's Association. 19. Go out for an evening with an ex, even if any embers of passion have been thoroughly extinguished. 20. Look for porn. Because you'll find it. 21. Dance on the table during an evening out. 22. Give up alcohol or start a new diet. 23. Give up sex and take up a new religion. 24. Present him with a kitten or puppy and the word 'surprise!' 25. Say things like 'Isn't she fat?' or 'What is she wearing?' when watching a film featuring an actress you know he likes.

funniness: 4.38

rating: PG