Sydney L.

Howie: {Moving the pointer around the Ouija Board} Can I talk to a fan? AJ: {Coming into the room} Hey Howie what you doing? Howie: Playing with the Ouija Board, trying to find a fan. AJ: Yo Howie man, you need at least two people to play with that thing... Howie: Well, Captain Homo is playing with me. AJ: {Shakes head} Captain Homo? Sounds like a personal problem to me. Howie: No, Captain Homo is my fan. Kevin and Nick walk into the room. AJ: Hey guys Howie has an imaginary fan...Captain Homo Kevin: Howie aren't you a little old to have imaginary fans? Howie: He's not imaginary. Kevin: I mean I know you don't have any fans, but all you need to do is grow some fine ass thick brows, then model for Versace and your fan base will double. Nick: Hey then he'd have {Counts on fingers} um he'd fans then. AJ: {Laughing} He'd have two fans then. Nick: Yeah that's what I meant two. Kevin: {Flexing pecs in mirror} See Howie you don't need an imaginary fan. Howie: {Getting mad} He's not imaginary~! AJ: Sure Howie, if he's not imaginary then where is he? Howie: He's humping your leg... Nick: Hey how come he's not humping my leg? I'm the super fly one of the group. Howie: {Laughing} Captain Homo said he already humped your leg... Nick: Awwyeah, I thought so. Howie: ...but you forgot to wax your legs so it was like humping a cactus. AJ and Kevin laugh. Nick: What?!? That little... Howie: Speaking of little, Captain Homo was peeping at AJ in the shower and he said... AJ: Oh hold up there, I think we've heard enough from this Captain Homo. Howie: Well, you were the ones who said he was imaginary~! Nick: That's because he is, and my legs are smooth~! Kevin: C'mon guys, let's not fight, we need all our energy for tonight's show. The guys stop fighting and go out on stage to put on their concert. An hour and half later.... Nick: Ewww, I can't believe you did that Howie~! AJ: Damnit Howie, peeing on the stage in front all those fans... Kevin: {Angry} Screw fans, in front of all those critics~! Howie: {Almost in tears} I didn't mean to... AJ: Damn man, can't you at least control your bladder?!? Your 26 not 66~! Howie: I said I was sorry... Kevin: Sorry's not good enough, you peed on the damn stage~! I mean it's bad enough that AJ humps it like some freak but then you go and pee...PEE~! AJ: Hey that dance move was sexy. Nick: {Getting out pocket mirror} Not as sexy as me though....damn do I have a fine piece of ass or what?!? Kevin: Howie I'm so mad right now I might strain an eyebrow~! I think it's best if you go to your bunk on the tour bus and not come out for the rest of the night. Howie: What?!? But there's a party tonight and fans are going to be there~! Kevin: No fans for you Howie. Nick: Yeah they'll all be there for this sexy ass. {Pats his butt} Howie: Fine~! Howie runs to bus and flings himself on his bunk. Howie: They'll be sorry....ew what's that smell. {Looks down at pants} Oh yeah... Later on that night, half drunk, Kevin, AJ, and Nick stumble to where the tour bus had been parked earlier. They look around and see nothing but an empty lot. AJ: Spank me if I'm wrong, but wasn't the bus here when we left? Nick: {Falling on the ground} Maybe it was bus jacked... Kevin: Don't be stupid {realizes he's talking to Nick} Oh well, don't be that stupid, we had security guards everywhere... AJ: {Hiccups} Hey, where are the security guards? Nick: Maybe they're with the bus... AJ: And the bus is where? Nick: With the security guards. AJ: Oh yeah...hey, wasn't Howie on the bus? Kevin: Howie? Nick: Oh my God, I think I just had a thought... Kevin: Well, isn't tonight just full of surprises? {Passes out on the ground} Nick: What if Howie was kidnapped and they stole the bus as a getaway car?!? AJ: {Starts to laugh uncontrollably} Ha ha ha, who'd kidnap Howie? Nick: A crazy fan? AJ: Howie doesn't have any fans. Nick: Oh....oh yeah, good point. Kevin: {Waking up} I bet that little bastard took the damn bus to get back at us because he's jealous we have fans. AJ: You think? Kevin: {Angry} Hell, I know it was him...let's go find the midget and kick his ass~! Nick: Hey, what did Brian do? Kevin: No not my cousin, I'm talking about Howie. Nick: Ohhh, that midget.... AJ: Yeah, let's get him, oh but....wait....ugh.... After AJ pukes all over ground, the guys go looking for their missing tour bus and Howie. They search the streets for what seems like forever before they finally find a clue. Kevin: {Bends down and fingers a substance on the ground} Uh huh, just as I thought... Nick: What it is?!? Blood?!? Kevin: Nope, it's hair grease...he's been here. AJ: Man Kevin, how do you know that's hair grease, it could just be oil from a car. Kevin: {Pushes AJ's nose in the grease} Do they make Peaches & Creme Fantasy car oil? Nick: Fantsay?!? Awwyeah picture this, me in the sand, the waves crashing against my legs getting my red Speedo all wet... Kevin: {Smacks Nick on the back of the head} Not now, we have to follow this trail of hair grease. Nick: But I like the Ocean.... The guys follow the trail of grease to an abounded house. There the guys see their tour bus in flames, twisted around a tree and smashed to pieces. AJ: Goddamnit, there goes my Playboy collection~! Nick: {Screams} Ah~! And your collection of fly ass pictures of me~! AJ: What?!? I never had any pictures of you... Nick: Well, I did and {Cries} now they're gone~! Kevin: I'll be damned, Howie actually did something good~! Nick: Hey~! Kevin: Shut-up and let's go. The guys make their way up to the house. As they walk through the door they are greeted by cobwebs and bats. AJ: Damn, not another haunted mansion... Kevin: {Screaming} HOWIE?!? Come out, hide and seek time is over~! Nick: We're playing hide and seek? Ok, but I get to be it. AJ: Good idea, you count to a 100 and Kevin and I will hide. Nick: Count? I can count to 5.... Kevin: Then do that, c'mon AJ let's go find that bitch Howie. Leaving Nick to count, AJ and Kevin go up a staircase. At the top they find a bunch of rooms. Kevin: We'll split up, the first one to find him can yell for the other. AJ: {Lighting a cigarette} Cool with me. They each pick a room and going into it. Meanwhile down stairs.... Nick: I sure am glad that fan sent me the hooked on numbers kit for Christmas. Now let's see what comes before 1? Think, think, think....Oh man, I forget. Meanwhile back up in AJ's room.... AJ: {Mumbling to himself} Man, that bitch Howie wrecked my Playboys~! There's two things in a man's life you don't mess with, his car and his stack of Playboys~! I can't believe Big Butt Becky. and Hemorrhoid Helen are gone forever... Just then there's a sound of a girl screaming ... AJ: What the?!? Oh my God, there's a chick in the house, and she's in trouble~! All right, babes always put out when you save them~! AJ runs in the direction of the screaming. He hears that it's coming from inside the room Kevin went into. AJ: Oh hells no, Kevin's not stealin the chick. AJ barges in the room....while back down stairs.... Nick: What was that? Damnit, now I lost my concentration. I'm going to have to start back at the beginning.... Back up stairs, inside Kevin's room, AJ sees Howie floating above a bed. He's struggling with Kevin who he has lifted up in the air with him. Kevin's screaming for his mommy. AJ: Holy shit~! Howie: {Looking at AJ} Holy shit? Well, that's a new way to put it, but I'd prefer the name Captain Homo, or just plain Satan will do. AJ sees that Howie's face has been transformed into a plaster like mask with pale yellow wrinkles everywhere. AJ: Yo man, what up with your face, that be whack~! Howie: {Screaming} You dare insult my appearance?!? Kevin: {Smelling Howie's breath}Whoa, what the hell died in your mouth? Howie: Died? It's funny you should speak of death since your about to become very familiar with the subject~! Howie and Kevin continue to struggle in the air. Kevin: HERE~! AJ: Yeah right, I've never seen Howie that mad, not even the time I replaced his hot wax with honey and he was attacked by that swarm of killer bees. Howie: {Dropping Kevin} So that was you?!? AJ: Oops... Howie floats over to AJ and picks him up just like he had with Kevin. AJ: {Hugging Howie back} Aww Howie, I never knew you cared...but I'm still piss about my playboys. Howie: Why you little...I'm going to break your neck. Howie's about to choke AJ when he notices the giant gold cross necklace that's wrapped around his neck. Instead he throws AJ to the ground and flings himself on the bed. Kevin: Howie what in the hell is wrong with you?!? Howie: Fuck you cocksucker. AJ: {Walking over to stand by Kevin} Yo Kevin man, I think Howie might have turrets. I was watching Oprah the other day and... Howie: Hey limp nuts, fuck you, fuck your mom, and FUCK OPRAH~! AJ: Oh no, that's one talks about Oprah like that~! AJ charges at the bed but Kevin holds him back. Howie: {Sticking his tongue out at AJ} Oprah sucks dick bitch... AJ: {Looking at Kevin} Yo Kevin, no one talks shit on Oprah, group member or not, Howie's going to get it. Howie: {Pouts and talks in a little girl's voice} Please AJ sir, don't hurt me, I'm just a little girl who doesn't know any better... Kevin: AJ, it's not's that Captain Homo thing, it's possessed him~! AJ: What?!? Howie: {Talks with a country accent) Well Bob, would'a look at the brains on that there boy~! {Spits} Kevin: Are you making fun of Kentucky?!? Howie: Whoooeee for someone with a 4th grade education your a quick one. Kevin: I'm going to kill him~! Kevin jumps on the bed and starts to choke Howie. Kevin: No one makes fun of Kentucky... Howie: Whoooee, yous fancy~! It's not everyday you see someone from Kentucky with all their teeth~! Kevin chokes him harder but just then Howie's head starts to turn in Kevin's hands doing a 360. Kevin jumps back off the bed next to AJ. AJ: Shit Kevin, you made it mad.... A green substance sprays out Howie's mouth and hits Kevin and AJ right in the face. Kevin: Ugh ewww, what is this?!? AJ: {Tasting the green slime}'s...guacamole~! Howie: Ole'~! Just then Nick appears in the door way... Nick: {Walking over to AJ} I knew I smelt guacamole...{He scrapes some off AJ's chin and eats it} Mmmm, hey anyone got some chips?!? Kevin: Damnit Nick how can you think of food at a time like this? Nick: What? Like I was the only one. AJ: Dudes we need help. Kevin: We need a priest. Nick: {Licking the guacamole off his fingers} We need the recipe to this guacamole~! You know who would love this stuff? Kevin: Not now Nick, we need to think of where we can get a priest at this time of night... Nick: Man, what did I do now? All I was going to say was that Brian would love this guacamole. You know how he's crazy about food that makes your ass sing... Kevin: {Grabbing Nick by the arms} Wait what did you just say!?! Nick: I said food that makes your ass sing... Kevin: No, before that. Nick: Guacamole? Kevin: Nooo... Nick: Brian? Kevin: Yes~! That's perfect~! AJ: Would you two stop messin around...his head is starting to spin again... Howie sprays another batch of guacamole at the guys. Kevin: {Wiping the green slime out of his eyes} Nick, quick, go run and get Brian. Nick: Huh? Kevin: Ok, ok, walk fast and get Brian~! Nick: Ohhhh. Alright, I'll be right back... Nick takes off to find Brian. AJ: Man, you know that was a dumb move. Kevin: What are you talking about? Brian is the closest thing we're going to get to a priest. AJ: Yeah but you just sent Nick to do something important...Nick can't even tie his own shoes. Kevin: Oh shit, we're fucked... ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Nick: Man my legs hurt from all this fast walking... Nick passes a shop full of Tvs. Just then the As Long As You Love Me video comes on and he stops to watch it. Nick: Awwyeah, look how damn sexy I am~! I want to sex my own that a bad thing? Naw. Wait, wasn't there something I was suppose to do? A dog goes running by with a slice of pizza hanging from it's mouth. Nick: Ohhh, pizza... Nick runs after the dog. Meanwhile back at the house the guys have managed to tie Howie to the bed with some sheets. Kevin: There that should hold him until Nick gets back. AJ: If he ever gets back. He's probably staring at his own reflection some place, thinking how sexy he looks. Kevin: What the hell was I thinking?!? ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Nick: Come back here with that pizza you mutt~! Oh man, he's just too damn fast...hey, where the hell am I? Nick looks around to see he's standing in front a church. A few feet ahead he can see Brian who is preaching to 3 little girls. Nick: Ohhh yeah, that's what I was suppose to do. Nick speed walks over to him. Brian: Girls, do you all have a pocket bible at home? If not you should look into getting one. That way you can use quotes from it whenever you have to do your thank yous for your Cd cover. Nick: Brian~! Brian: Remember what I've told you ladies... 1st Girl: Damnit, all we wanted was an autograph... 2nd Girl: I know and instead we get a bible lesson~! 3rd Girl: C'mon let's go find Nsync. The girls walk away Nick: Brian, we need your help. Brian: What's wrong my son? Nick: What? But your not my dad, you can't trick me. Brian: Huh? Nick: If your my dad then where's the tattoo of me on your arm at? Hmm? I don't see it... Brian: Nick, nevermind that, where did you all take the tour bus? I don't appreciate you guys trying to leave me again.... Nick: That's what I wanted to tell you. Howie's been possessed by this thing that calls itself Captain Homo~! Brain: Dear Lord~! Nick: No, I said Captain Homo, and it's got Kevin and AJ...Oh yeah he spits out this great guacamole that you'd just... Brain: {Interrupting Nick} There's no time to talk we have to go stop him~! Back at the house... Kevin: Oh no, it's waking up... AJ: Why cant we just kill it? Kevin: Because he's the only guy that can hit all those ball breaking high notes. Howie: {Talking in a little girl's voice} Would you guys like me to sing you a little song? {Bats eyelashes} Kevin: I wish Nick would hurry his ass up and get here already. Howie starts to sing. Howie: Wing around the wosey, pockets full of hosey, ashes, ashes YOUR ALL GOING TO DIE~! Brain: {Barging through the door} I don't think so Captain Homo. Howie: Ah, what the fuck is this? A hick hodown? {Talks in country accent} Well, lookie what we's got here boys...another hick~! Brian: Your names shall not affect me... Howie: Oh yeah? Brian: I see through you evil one... Howie: Hows about this name...Mig~! Brian: Why you little gay bitch~! Brian jumps on Howie and beats him with his pocket bible. AJ: Damn, that thing really does come in handy... Kevin: We have to do something...Nick, get Brian off of him. Nick: Why me? He's your cousin. Kevin: Son of a bitch, alright. Kevin tries to pull Brian off Howie. Brian: I'm going to shove this bible so far down your throat you'll be coughing up the words of the Lord for days~! Howie: {Giggles} Now you wouldn't hurt me now would you hunny? Brian: Leighanne? Howie's face transforms into that of Brian's wife. Howie: Put that bad bible away lovebug... Brian: Oh I'm sorry let me make it up to you. Brian digs in his back pocket and gets out his wallet. Brian: Here take my Discover card and buy whatever you want... Howie: Thank you hunny. Howie kisses Brian. Kevin: Yo Brian, snap out of it, that's not Leighanne. Brian: What? Yes, it is. Kevin: Think about it Brian...would Leighanne ever take your Discover card to go shopping? Brian: Oh my God your right, Leighanne only takes my Platinum Visa~! Nick: Eww, you kissed Howie. Brain: We have to put a stop to this thing...I didn't want to have to do this but he's left me no choice...Richard~! Richard Simmins, the world famous workout guru runs into the room wearing his usual tank top and striped hoochie shorts. He's covered in a greasy sweat and his orange afro is puffed to full capacity. Howie: {With a look of fright on his face} What the hell is he doing here?!? Richard: {Jumping on the bed next to Howie} Hey, I'm jiggy with it~! Howie: Oh come on you guys, don't do this to me~! ME, Howie, your band mate~! I was only joking about killing you, and the guacamole well, it was my way of saying, "Let's have a festia~!" Richard: {Walking over to the Backstreet Boys} Don't listen to it, he's not really Howie, he's pure evil. We have to exercise the Demon! Howie: Oh no~! What are you going to do?!? Richard whips out his "Exorcising to the Oldies" tape and pops it into the VCR. Richard: C'mon you guys~! It's time to exercise the demon~! Richard's spandex wearing cult comes running into the room. With their sweatbands in proper place they start to sweat to the oldies. Richard hops over to Captain Homo and starts doing air kicks. Richard: Let's go Howie~! Time to shed that demon~! With that Richard pulls Howie off the bed and dances with him. Richard: {Singing} You got to know how to Pony, like a monibaroni~! The dancers start to do the Pony. Richard: Past the potatoes to the Alligator~! As the dancers do the Alligator Captain Homo starts to twitch and shake. AJ: Look~! It's working~! Richard: Put your hand on your hip, let your backbone slip~! Nick: {Dancing to the music} Wow, this is fun~! Richard: Do the Wattussi, like you're on to Lucy~! Captain Homo: Nooooo~! Anything but the Wattussi~! The dancers do the Wattussi and Captain Homo falls to his knees. Richard: {Yelling} Time for the big finish~! Richard, his dancers, Kevin, Nick, AJ, and Brian, all line up. They slowly dance their way towards Captain Homo singing... Everyone: Na, na na na yes sing it with us now... Captain Homo starts to foam at the mouth and shake uncontrollably. Everyone is now only inches away from him. Everyone: {Shouting} Na, na na na~! And with that Captain Homo shoots back and hits the wall. Brian: Dear Lord, did it work? Richard: {Walking over to Howie} Yes~! {Jumps up and down} It's Howie again~! Howie: {Waking up} What happened? Richard: You were possessed by the evil Captain Homo but we exercised the demon and freed you~! Howie: Really?!? AJ: Howie man, you were so whack. Kevin: Yeah and you destroyed our bus... Howie: Gee, sorry you guys. Brian: Don't worry about it, it wasn't really your fault. Richard: {Talking to his dancers} C'mon guys. our work here is done. {Hugging Howie and the rest of the guys} If you ever need help again just call and here I want you all to have these. Bye. bye now~! Richard runs out the room. Nick: {Looking down at the paper Richard gave him} Hey guys, what's "Cruise to Lose"? Brian: {Also looking at the paper} He gave us coupons to his cruise? Kevin: {Ripping the paper up} What a loser. AJ: Yeah, a big freak loser. Howie: {Angry} Shut up~! He saved my life, he's my new hero~! Kevin: No you shut up, he's not a hero he's a hairy, greasy, spandex, body glitter wearing freak. Howie: What did you say?!? AJ: Hey, um Kevin, take it easy on him...he's been through a lot. Kevin: Shut up AJ. What I said was HE'S A HAIRY, GREASY, SPANDEX, BODY GLITTER WEARING FREAK OF FUCKING NATURE~! Howie's face changes back to the yellow wrinkly mask and he spits the green guacamole substance right into Kevin's face. Nick: {Getting out a bag of Tortillas} Here we go again....

funniness: 4.56

rating: R