Erik A.

After 4 years in a grocery store, I have learned many things. I have compiled a list for you, the customer, to live by. Enjoy. 1. Cashiers are ALWAYS out to screw you. Always count the change they give you at least twice, to make sure they are honest. If they have shorted you by even ONE PENNY, you should yell and scream and call them a thief. This always works. 2. Cashiers are also idiots. They don't know the names of simple items. When they are scanning your groceries at the checkout line, feel free to tell them what these items are. Useful phrases like "Those are bananas" or "that is a can of peas" are really helpful, and the cashier will thank you for it. 3. Cashiers have the magic ability to scan groceries anytime and anywhere. Don't let them fool you into thinking they have to be near a cash register. If they are walking down an aisle, off duty, or in the break room, they can scan any groceries that you may have. 4. Don't be fooled. Items are on sale FOREVER, not just for a day or a week or whatever the store says. That's only what they want you to think. If an item isn't "on sale" anymore, this is strictly the fault of the cashier that you talk to, not the manager or parent company. When you realize this, yell at the cashier, because, as in rule #1, they are always trying to rip you off. 5. Get really eccentric and anal-retentive when talking to the person who is bagging your groceries. If they don't do it PERFECTLY, criticize them and ask the question "how long have you been working here? Don't you know that (name of item) and (name of item) don't belong together?" Then storm out in a huff. 6. Just leave your cart wherever you feel like leaving it. Don't put it back or anything, because that would mean work for you, the customer. And we don't want that. 7. Did I mention that Cashiers are ALWAYS trying to screw you? 8. If you have small children with you, please leave them with the cashiers when you go off and talk. We love to watch your whining, sniveling little brats. We are also babysitters. Not too many people know this. Also, take as long as you want. We only care about YOUR business, not the business of everyone else you are holding up. 9. The customer is ALWAYS right, no matter what. If you steal something and you say its not your fault, you're right. If you feel the cashier is trying to screw you, you're right. Feel free to use loud profanity to get your point across. Cashiers don't understand English, only loud profanity that is screamed at the top of your lungs. Make a note of this. 10.Lastly, PLEASE tell the cashier every minute detail of your personal life. If you recently underwent surgery for hemorrhoids, irritable bowel syndrome, recently had the flu and threw up all over your rug or bathroom, or poodle, please tell the cashier this. We care greatly. In fact, we care SO much that we WONT go in the break room and make fun of you to other employees.

funniness: 5.57

rating: R