Scogg D.

These are some quotes from the comedian Steven Wright You can't have everything, where would you put it? I like to fill my bath tub up with water, turn on the shower and pretend like I'm in a submarine that's been hit. I was driving along and i passed a gas station with 2 signs in the window: "Help Wanted" and "Self Service". So I went in and hired myself. I got pulled over by a police officer the other day. He said, "Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" I said, "Yeah, but I wasn't gonna be out that long." My friend got food poisoning awhile ago and he had to go to the hospital. I got poisoning today, I don't know when I'm gonna use it. I'm writing a book on my theory that the end of the cold was is what started global warming. I bought some land, real cheap, its on somebody else's property. During tax season I had a little problem. I had this calculator with no five. I ran into a friend of mine and i told him this and he said, wow thats really weird, how long have you had it? I said I dunno my calender doesn't have any sevens. I live on a one-way dead-end street. I don't know how I got there. I was at work and a man came in and asked, "If I melt dry ice can I swim without getting wet?" If I were in a vehicle moving at the speed of light and I turn on my head lights would they do anything? I can levetate birds but nobody cares. It's a good thing for gravity, otherwise when birds died, they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused. All the live birds would be hiding behind the dead ones.

funniness: 6.54

rating: PG