Jeremy R.

- Pull aside an unruly child in a preschool Sunday School class and say: "If you're bad in here, you'll go to Hell." - A week beforehand, find a member of ACT-UP. Tell him the scheduled sermon is entitled "Why God Sent AIDS to Punish Homosexuals". - Put stray dogs in coat closets. - Un-tune the piano. - Replace the pianist's sheet music with "Stairway to Heaven". - Going through all the hymnals, mark song 666. - Find an empty seat, and ask the person next to it: "Is this seat SAVED?" - Toss around a giant beach ball before service, like at Grateful Dead concerts. - Ten minutes before it starts, find a kid in the front rows, hand him a dollar, and tell him to ask the preacher: "Would you rather be stoned or crucified?" - Hide copies of Hustler inside the pulpit. Point them out. - Start a wave. - Do cool things with the lighting. - When attendance is taken, sign on fake names like "Hugh G. Rection" and "Oliver Klozoff". - Wear an ankh or a new-age crystal pendant. - When the choir sings, roll your eyes and grumble: "Oh, Christ! Are they gonna do another SONG?" - Make up your own words to the songs. - Twenty minutes into the service, look at your watch, stand up, and say: "Oh shit. This isn't the wedding!" Run out quickly. - Eat dry Cap'n Crunch through the entire service. - If there is a crying baby, go over and tell the mother: "IF YOU DON'T SHUT THAT GODDAMN THING UP SO HELP ME GOD I'LL KILL IT!!!" - Dress all in black, or in camo. - Pierce the body of a tiny animal with stainless-steel wire. Wear it in your ear as jewelry. If you are male, wear two. Change sets for the evening service. - If it is an Easter service, wear a pastel jacket, tie, and matching shorts. If you are male, wear a floral-print dress instead. - At a church dinner, scoop up a forkful of mashed potatoes. Announce that you can see an image of Jesus. - Place blocks of dry ice near the air ducts. Take off your shoes and socks. - Hide near the baptismal pool with a block of sodium. At the first mention of "fire and brimstone", throw it in. - Inflate balloons, then send them off. - Mark places in the Bible or hymnal with religious-themed Far Side cartoons. - Turn in the Bible to the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20: 3-17). Draw in asterisks and write exceptions at the bottom of the page. - Make the sun reflect off your watch into the preacher's face. - Make calls to 900 numbers on the phone in the kitchen. - During the service, play with plastic dinosaurs. If someone asks what you're doing, tell them: "These are dinosaurs. They ruled the earth over 65 million years ago." - Discreetly position a number of bottle rockets on the floor. Discreetly light them. - Snicker every time the preacher talks about someone being stoned, especially Stephen. - Dip communion wafers in communion wine. Eat it and exaggerate on how good it is. - When they pass around the collection plate, drop in a piece of paper with Pat Robertson's MasterCard number. - Turn to your neighbor, whisper: "This do in remembrance of me," and lick them. - Fart, and have a friend shout: "Hark! An angel has spoken!" - Blow bubbles. - Fake a possession. - Distribute condoms. - Speak in tongues. - Ask where the nearest ashtray is. - Drool in the collection plate. - Ask someone what they think about the Book of Peleponnesians. After they tell you, inform them that there is no Book of Peleponnesians. - After a Catholic service, stand outside and tell Polish jokes. When someone points out that Pope John Paul II came from Poland, act embarrassed. - Show unusual interest in any reference to the word "Ministry". - At a church supper, bring a casserole with a ring or piece of a wristwatch embedded inside. - Overnight, have the stained-glass windows replaced with new ones depicting comical, erotic, or death-related imagery. Send the bill to the pastor. - Write on the bathroom wall: "The eyes of the LORD are upon you!!!" Spread the word that there'll be a rave party at the address of the church next Saturday at midnight.

funniness: 5.39

rating: PG