Hilarious Quotes Part 3

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"You have to pick one container of the four. One has the Antidote the others are poisons that cause horrible death. Do you want: Blood Red Liquid #2, the Terrible Test Tube, Green Grotesque Poison, or Antidote." - Dr. Crazy MacLunactic III (He is a Ph.D. not an M.D.)

"I have a bladder control problem and watery diarrhea. There is an intestinal bug that eats my waste before it leaves my body and lays eggs in my colon and they hatch and leave me through that exit in a very painful and disgusting manner. They crawl out covered in blood and my waste. The only reason I eat them is because I have no food. I have a sore that looks like Michigan and is as hairy as Bigfoot, it itches uncontrollably and gives off the stench of a corpse. Every time I urinate it burns like that which is on fire. It is especially bad because I can not control when I urinate and I do it frequently and wet myself constantly. I don't change my pants because I have no other pair. It is infected with some kind of bacteria and it makes my urine blood-red (but hey what would I know I have no education). I also have an ion imbalance causing massive clots and an multiple Isodecahedral(20) Bypasses and me to cough up massive amounts of bile. I picked Green Grotesque Poison, and I lost my kidney, my Jejunum, my liver and seven bones near my groinal area including my pelvis. I knew I should have picked Blood Red Liquid #2. I had a severe addiction to Silver Quickies or Mercury. I snorted it along with some radon powder and after time i lost all but 16 neurons and had to go to rehab. My wife of 4 days left me because she was mad that I kidnapped her and forced her to marry me. I lost my job as a fry cook because I did not meet the required third grade education. I was constantly beat up by hobos because I smelled so bad (Thanks to my rash.) I never owned a house but I owned a box with a four-car garage (Man I wish I had a car or stuff to put into it.) I cannot even believe I know what Michigan is and it is miracle that I know how to speak. I can't read, write, or 'rithmetic. I don't even know what those things are or mean. Can you believe it's not butter? I can't because I don't know what butter or believe, mean.(I assume they are types of dogs. Then again I don't know what a dog is.) I went on the show O**** (Name has been excluded but it is a daytime show you guess which one) and she offered to help me but the money she gave me was counterfeit and got me put in jail but they kicked me out because I had too many problems. Then I went to Princeton University. I was arrested for trespassing and deported to Mexico where I was deported to North Korea then Kim Jong kicked me out of the country because I was too crazy. I have know idea what I am doing at all. I love my life." - Richard "Dick" Small(Holds Guinness Book of Records record of Worst Life Ever and Worst Name Ever (especially when his last name goes first and his nickname second), surpassing Gerhardt vanDieEssenVonMenchenlichAbfall.)

"Ahmed, you will be promised 69 virgins for sacrificing yourself to blow up the Americans!"

"Okay, I will do it"

(Ahmed blows up the building and is sent to heaven to receive his 69 virgins)

"What the hell?"

(69 nerdy boys playing world of warcraft)"Hey Ahmed, we need a level 50 archaic wizard, come help us on our quest"

"There are too many words that are not eight letters or longer." - Councilman Rihfique DeLongas

"I see British People." Paul Revere trying out for the Seventh Sense the sequel

"I see White People. I wonder if we can be friends and share the land like brothers and both enjoy the benefits." -Shooting Star a native American who first saw the White People

"I see white people. Let us both wish for the freedom of all men." - Ongawa Tiushulu an African tribal leader who first saw white people

"I see dead people." - Larry the embalmer at the morgue

"I see dead people." - Fred a man who collects dead people

"I see alive people." - John "I hope so. Otherwise you're crazy." - John's mom

"Many people don't know Freud was a Coke head. I read his books and you can tell because only a coke head would write about something no one cares about." - Quiest Solobarjzo

"Where did DNA come from?"

"A Carpenter named Jesus, he put DNA inside of us right after he buried the dinosaur bones"

"cheese taste like cheese milk and butter mixed." - John Wibelthorfh

"True ninjas make loud, unnecessary noises when they hit things." a quote from, Omashu Teryoki Wanateko Yubari Suzuki Honda Civic

"True Russian women sound like men when they talk." - Katarina Storofsky

"True British people own no tooth care products except for Woodthorpe's Tooth Wash with extra sugar, for daily use." - William Shoemaker

"True Slovenes ... do I even need to say it." - Aksheda Ulokuli a Serbian Citizen

"Oh my god, Louise, there is a message in my alphabet soup, it says Oooooooooooooooooooooo!" "Peter, that's spaghetti-O's"

"Oh my Shiva, Cleveland, there's a message in my body, it says Oooooooooooo!." "That's your blood cells hollowed out by a debilitating genetic disease, and I'm Doctor Hartman, Mr.Griffin."

"Oh my Allah, Meg, there is a message on in my drink, it says OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!." "Dad, why did you put lug nuts in your water."

"Oh my god, Bryan, there's a message in my alphabet cereal, it says Ooooooooooooooooooooooo!" "Peter, those are Cheerios..."

"Oh my..." "Peter just #*&@_&#@_*@!*_%$ and stop saying that. I am sick of you and your messages."

"Hey Peter, you can't come in here and take my pool"

"Well Joe, according to the 3rd section, paragraph 8, sentence 2, word 1 of the Geneva Convention, "the," so there"

"Brian, r u trying to tell me 911 didn't change everything, because 911 changed everything Brian, 911 changed everything!" "Peter, you didn't even know what 911 was until 2005"

"I like big butts and I can not lie" A quote from an African American male rapper who enjoys glancing at larger than average gluteus maximus, who does not lie about liking them.

"I like small chins and I cannot lie." -A quote from a Khmer man who enjoys looking at smaller then normal mentums and indulges in talking about how truthful he is

"Traffic Traffic, Look-in for my chap stick, feelin kinda car sick, there's a ford maverick!" Some white rapper.

"Balloon in the air, look over there, it is a tree, i got to pee, maybe ill go now, then ill milk a' cow." - Some Basque Rapper "Science book, take a look, Captain hook, move a rook, while playing chess, my great friend Jess, i wear a dress, when i mess, up."- a thai rapper

"Ich konnen es machen, ich werde es blachen, auch ich durchfall habe, auch ich glieben grabe." - A Filipino rapper

"Can you believe it's not Hydrochloric Acid? I can't, it melts body parts like real hydrochloric acid, but with half the calories."- A spokesman for Zenthinium oxide Acidic Compound inc.

"You are under arrest for Conspiring to Conspire about conspiracies." - The accused received 1864 life sentences, the longest ever.

"I have grobbled my flarg and yucktokked the revfijjh." - A man who has a massive vocabulary, literally I have taken a paper to the Auto Insurer to insure my car that was broken when I bought it but forgot to return it before the warranty was over and consumed vast quantities of deadly materials because I was disgusted over the results of the 1852 election the previous process resulted in death.

"Gesh whall menoskt ibar aaith." - A man who has an even more massive vocabulary, literally Shall we run on the land. The actual meaning is May the people of the subject our group of humans that we are currently in move our legs in a fashion which transports us in a quick manner on a area of the earth top area made of ground and rocks and various minerals.

grobbling - to take a paper to the Auto Insurer to insure

ingrobbling - to take a paper from the Auto Insurer to insure

degrobbling - to take a paper to the Auto Insurer to not insure ungrobbling - to take a paper to the Auto Insurer to uninsure begrobbling - waste basket grobblness - to be constantly taking a paper to the Auto Insurer to insure grobbly - to act like taking a paper to the Auto Insurer to insure

yucktokking - consuming vast quantities of deadly materials because of disgust over the results of the 1852 election

yucktokkable - to be in risk of consuming vast quantities of deadly materials because of disgust over the results of the 1852 election

inyucktokking - excreting vast quantities of deadly materials because of disgust over the results of the 1852 election

deyucktokking - a rock made of sulfite and magnesium

unyucktokking - consuming vast quantities of undeadly materials because of disgust over the results of the 1852 election

"Canst thou passeth thine Salt that cometh out of thy sea."- Carl

"Canst thou stop talking in a stupid accent-eth?!" - Carl's friend Griebleel


"I married bigfoot. You know what they say about big feet right..., well it's true. Yeah..." - Sandra Parkins

"I married littlefoot (the dinosaur). You know what they say about small feet right..., well it's true. Huh..." - Jen Hoag

"Look what Eye can do."

"Why did you use eye the organ instead of I the pronoun?"

"How can you reed my speech."

"Why did you use reed the plant instead of read the verb?"

"How are you doing that?"

"I inherited it."

"That doesnt make any sense!"

"You need to use an apostrophe in doesn't"


"I should stop arguing with myself"

"All humans have the ability to think higher than other species, but most are too lazy to." - Charles Darwin

"Humans have the capabilities to express complex emotions, but most are too angry at the DMV to do so." - Sigmund Freud

"How many monkeys does it take to screw in a light bulb? Seven, one to screw in a light bulb and six to watch."

"How many humans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three, one to screw in the light bulb, and two to fling feces at each other." - Jim the Martian 1.48239 million B.C.

"I think that I must..." - the dying words of an incoherent man

"The treasure it is located... ahhh! I died." - The 'last' words of a man who attempted to fake his death

"Heo ofg itow fireto eritoi wre votwrqo woeprviqp." - Random pressing of keys on the keyboard

"Tey sole ma ike 'ficer."- A man who has a disease making him lose part of a syllable per word who got robbed

Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 busted 8's face in with the butt of a submachine gun and tortured him for non-existing information

Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 has connections to Communist Countries and hired assassins to 'take care of' the author of capitalism is good, 8, and the writer of Free Speech Monthly, 9

Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is a serial killer and has the bodies of 8 and 9 stuffed under his bed.

Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because I said so.

Why did the chicken cross the road? He was high and did not know what he was doing.

Why did the chicken cross the road? He was trying to get to the other side where a BOB's HOT WING HOUSE was.

Why did the chicken cross the road? He was a socialist and wanted to protest against the middle class. If that doesn't make sense THE SOCIALIST INTERNATIONAL will find you.

"Quantum Physics is the answer to all questions. Math is the question to all answers." - Joann Maglesr (pronounced Yo-Een Mog-uls-er) an English major with no expierence in any science or math course. He/she (I can't tell) has random sentence syndrome where he/she blurts out statements that at first appear to be a wise proverb but under analysis are pointless.




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CHZAI_Hilarious Quotes Part 3

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