Eating Triscuits Is Like Burning Books

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Would you take a machete to the Mona Lisa? Would you dump a bucket of pink paint on Michaelangelo's Moses?? Would you splatter MORE paint on a Jackson Pollock??? Of course not!! Than why in God's name would you eat a Triscuit?

Have you ever taken a good look at these crackers? They are finely woven wheat.....finely...woven....wheat! How the hell do they do that??? Where are the Grandmothers in charge of these? Quilts I get....sweaters for Christmas...I get that too....but Triskets? Not a chance its grandmas!

There are no machines capable of this either! No WAY. There are no machines out there with hands soft enough to accomplish such craftwork! When you bite into one they explode into a mist of fine wheat powder! You think a machine could have that soft a touch? Not a chance it is machines.

I know who it is! If there were ever proof for little elves that make is the Triscuit!! There is no human being (grandma or not) with hands that small. Unless they are tiny tiny humans....which...I would argue...would be classified as elves anyway! But that is another argument all-together. Back up off me Santa! Anyway...the fact remains...if I were these elves...I would be furious. These are precious works of art that are not meant to be eaten!

AND...they taste TERRIBLE. This is INTENTIONAL people! If I took fine wheat threads and wove them into a multilayer quilt, I wouldn't want some hungry idiot putting it into his mouth and pulverizing it into fine wheat mist! NO! Unfortunately for the little elves that weave these though, health nuts across the globe believe that anything which tastes bland and boring must be good for them! This has to STOP! Eating Triscuits is like burning books...let's let the elves have there Triscuits as a passion project, and we can continue to enjoy their tasty cookies! Seems like a valid compromise for me! Oh...and for you health nuts....two words....Wheat Thins! Definatly machine made!

The End


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smiley 5.4 PG

submitted: 1+ years ago

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categories: blog, commentary health





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showing 1 - 4 of 4 discussions       sort by: newest

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by skyler lynn l. 1+ years ago

haha thats... a... fun. theory

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by rachel s. 1+ years ago

these are supposed to be news story, not moronic rants about things that no one really bothers to think about. This sort of thing can be funny when done well by a comedian. This way is irritating and tedious. From now on, if I see your entries, I will be skipping them.

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by yolanda s. 1+ years ago

I bet i can find 1,000,000militery guys and admires on internet!jion us and show your respect to i like this poem

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by Girlinemptyroom 1+ years ago

What the hell is a triscuit??

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CGHSH_Eating Triscuits Is Like Burning Books

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