On Sears hair dryer: Do not use while sleeping. [Only time to use it though!!]
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. [So do I steal the chips...?]
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. [How?!]
On some Swanson frozen dinners: Serving suggestions: Defrost. [Like i want to eat it frozen...or do i?]
Printed on the bottom of Tesco Tiramisu dessert: Do not turn upside down. [too late!]
On Marks and Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. [Wow! Not cold?!]
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. [It would be quicker though!]
On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication. [So that means us kids can't use this?]
On Nytol Sleep Aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness. [...]
On most brands of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. [What other use is there??]
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. [What other use is there?...]
On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: Contains nuts. [I was predicting that...]
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. [Great instructions...]
On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. [But my mommy said i can fly!!]
On a Swedish chain saw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals. [I should try it with my hands....]
On a toboggan: Beware: Sledge may develop high speed under certain snow conditions. [Wow! I was expecting otherwise!]
On a knife sharpener: Caution: knives are sharp. [Hmm...really? Not dull?]
On shin pads for cyclists: Shin guards cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover. [So they're not going to cover my stomach...]
On a take away coffee cup: Caution: Hot beverages are hot. [I never knew that!]
Emergency safety procedures at a US summer camp: In case of flood, proceed uphill. In case of flash flood proceed uphill quickly. [What happens if i am reading this and all of a sudden a flash flood appears?]
In a microwave oven manual: Do not use for drying pets. [Off to the dryer!]
On the back of a pilot's seat in a Nato aircraft: Seat must be facing forward for take-off and landing. [Not back?]
On the bottom of a cola bottle: Do not open here. [What would happen?]
On a Harry Potter wizards broom: This broom does not actually fly. [Wth! The cape and now this?!]
On a box of aspirin: Do not take if allergic to aspirin.[ Why did i buy this if i was allergic?]
On a bottle of laundry detergent: Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine.[ How else?...]
On a muffin packet: Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat. [I should cut the muffin in pieces insted of eating it whole...]
In a kettle instruction manual: The appliance is switched on by setting the 'ON/OFF' button to the 'ON' position. [No comment.]
On a ketchup bottle: Instructions: Put on food. [Or how about opening and putting the sauce on the food insted of the bottle]
On a bottle of rum: Open bottle before drinking. [I should break this and lick it off the floor insted of opening it.]
A car park sign: Entrance only. Do not enter. [Uh...]
A sign in a street in Hong Kong: Beware of people. [Peoplezilla! :D]
Rules on a tram in Prague: Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be persecuted. [I get to die twice...fun?]
Sign on newly-renovated ramp entrance, USA: Take care: new non-slip surface. [*cough*]
On a can of air freshener: For use by trained personnel only. [Can i work there?]
On a bottle of baby lotion: Keep away from children.
On a pair of socks bought in egypt: Do not wash.
On a 500-piece jigsaw puzzle: Some assembly required.
On a can of pepper spray used for self defense: May irritate eyes.
On a Frisbee: Warning: may contain small parts.
In a car handbook: In order to get out of car, open door, get out lock doors, and then close doors.
On a packet of cashew nut pieces: Warning: This product may contain residue of nuts.
Directions for mosquito repellant: Replacing battery: replace old battery with a new one.
On a birthday card for a one year old: Not suitable for children aged under 36 months or less.
In a hotel bedroom: Please do not turn on TV except when in use.
In a lift in a Japanese hotel: Push this button in case anything happens.
On a toilet cleaning brush: Do not use orally.
On a can of Spray paint: Do not spray in your face.
On a TV remote: Not Dishwasher safe.
On a blowtorch: Not used for drying hair.
On a washing machine inn a launderette: No small children.
On a bottle of hair dye: Do not use as Ice Cream topping.
On a push along lawn mower: Not to be used as a hedge trimmer.
On a box of fireworks: Do not put in mouth.
On the packaging for a wrist watch: Warning this is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants.
In a dishwasher manual: Do not allow children to play in dishwasher.
On a toaster: Do not use underwater.
On a mattress: Do not attempt to swallow.
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