Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't?
Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.
A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.
She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"
He says, "Put it between your legs."
"What about the smell?"
"Hold its nose."
Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved.
"Jake," she said.
"Hush," he quickly interrupted, "don't talk." But she insisted.
"Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I must confess."
"There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Jake. "It's all right. Everything's all right."
"No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you."
Jake stroked her hand. "Now, Becky, don't be concerned. I know all about it", he sobbed. "Why else would I poison you?"
The funeral parlor called the 85 year old widow to tell her that her 90 year old husband had died with such a massive erection that he could not close the lid of the coffin. He had never seen such a big pecker.
Well, she said, "Cut it off as close to his body as you can then put it up his ass".
The next day the whole family arrived at the funeral home to pay their respects and the widow knelt down near her departed husband and noticed there was a tear coming down his cheek.
She leaned over and whispered in his ear, "I told you it hurt, you old fart!"
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