What The FBI *really* investigates

mark as unread

Every year the US FBI is asked to investigate over 36,000 serious crimes including Murder/Homicides. Every year the Homicide Investigations Unit puts out its "Top 20 Homicides of the Year". ________________________________________ 20. 55-year-old Marko Sanders, murdered by himself. Marko retreated to his semi-detached workshop to make himself a tool for chimney cleaning. The chimney was too high for a simple broom to work, but if he could attach a brush to a chain and then weigh it down with something, that would do the trick. But what could he use as a weight? He happened to have the perfect object. It was heavy, yet compact. And best of all, it was made of metal, so he could weld it to the chain. He must have somehow overlooked the fact that it was also a hand grenade and was filled with explosive material. Marko turned on his welding apparatus and began to create an arc between the chain and the grenade. As the metal heated up, the grenade exploded. The force of the explosion killed poor Marko instantly, blasting shrapnel through the walls of the shed and shattering the windshield of a Mercedes parked outside. Marko's chimney was untouched, however.

19. Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road with her daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheel chair was hit by the truck delivering her birthday cake.

18. Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8 year old daughter, who he had just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that if she couldn't have dinner no one should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison tablets into her father’s coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim took one sip and promptly collapsed. (Samantha Stone was given a suspended sentence as the judge felt she didn't realize what she was doing, until she tried to poison her mother using the same method one month later.

17. David Daniel, 17 years old, was killed by his girl friend after he attempted to "have his way with her" his unwelcome advance was met with a prompt kick in the chest and then 4 shots from a doubled barreled shot gun Carla’s (the girlfriends') father had given to her an hour before the date started, just in case.

16. Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to pay his rent for 8 years (yes 8 years). The landlord, Kirk Weston, clubbed the victim to death with a toilet seat after he realized just how long it had been since Mr. Halos paid his rent. 15. Mary-Lee Cooper, 11 years old, was killed by her 1 year old sister who climbed on top of her while she was sleeping, suffocating her.

14. Megan Fri, 44 years old, is killed by 14 state troopers after she wandered onto a live firing, fake town simulation. Seeing the troopers all walking slow down the street Megan Fri has jumped out in front of them and yelled. "Boo!" The troopers, thinking she was a pop up target fired 67 shots between them, over 40 of them hitting their target. "She just looked like a very real looking target." One of the troopers stated in his report.

13. Fiona Given, 17 years old, was killed by a "Hit Man" hired by her ex boyfriend after she broke off their relationship. The "Hit Man" was promised to be paid $500,000 for the task. The "Hit Man" killed the boyfriend after he found out that a 16 year old high school student, whose father was in jail for assault and grand larceny, and mother worked as an ironing lady didn't have access to $500,000.

12. Louis Saragossa, 68 years old, was killed as he prepared to drive to work. Lee Saragossa, had been plotting to kill him for over a year, and had cut the brakes on his car 4 times previously. On this attempt Lee was just about to cut the brakes again when Louis snuck up behind her, he grabbed her and spun her around, as he did she lost her footing and stumbled into him, stabbing him in the lower ventricle of the heart, killing him instantly.

11. Mohammed Al-Kahzad, 22 years old, was killed by an unknown member of the Russian Mafia; after he accidentally took away the gangsters drink too soon at the nightclub he worked in. The gangster was so upset he forced the waiter to drink over 27 gallons of Coca Cola (the drink he had taken away) until Mohammed drowned.

10. Julia Smith, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Michael because she talked on the phone too long; Michael clubbed his sister to death with a cordless phone, and then stabbed her several times with the broken aerial.

9. Helena Simms, Wife to the famous American Nuclear Scientist Harold Simms was killed by her husband after she had an affair with the neighbor. Over a period of 3 months Harold substituted Helena's eye shadow with Uranium composite that was highly radioactive, until she died of radiation poisoning. Although she suffered many symptoms, including total hair loss, skin welts, blindness, extreme nausea and even had an ear lobe drop off the victim never attended a doctor’s office or hospital for a check up.

8. Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his "two timing wife" by loading her car with semtex explosive (similar to C4) the Ford Taurus she was driving was filled with 450 pounds of explosive, forming a force twice as powerful as the Oklahoma Bombing. The explosion was witnessed by several persons, some up to 8 miles away. No trace of the car or the victim was ever found, only a 55 yard deep crater, and 500yd of missing road.

7. Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbor in the early hours of a Sunday morning. Her neighbor, Frank Stevenson, for years had a mounted F6 phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire the jet engine, aimed at an empty block at the back of his property. Patty Winter would constantly complain to the local sheriff's officers about the noise and the potential risk of fire. Mr. Stevenson was served with a notice to remove the engine immediately. Not liking this he invited Miss Winter over "for a cup of coffee and a chat" about the whole situation. What Winter didn't know was that he had changed the position of the engine, as she walked into the yard he activated it, hitting her with a blast of 5000 degrees, killing her instantly, and forever burning her outline into the driveway.

6. Michael Lewis, angry at his gay boyfriend used the movie, "Die Hard, With a Vengeance." as inspiration. He drugged his white boyfriend, Tony Berry, into an almost catatonic state, and then dressed him only in a double sided whiteboard that read "Death to all Niggers!" on one side, and "God love the KKK." on the other. Lewis then drove the victim to down town Harlem and dropped him off. Two minutes later Berry was deceased.

5. Jay Newton was killed after a co worker at Sea World Florida dropped a 20 ton killer whale on him. The whale had been hoisted out of his tank by a suspended Crane, when the victim swam underneath to inspect the harness his colleague, Brian Hartley released the whale. Crushing the victim instantly, (and emptying ¼ the water from the pool).

4. Carl Denham, 34 years old, by a fellow worker trying to prove a point. The worker, Santa Anna Pet, disconnected the internal landing gear settings on a Boeing 747 test plane, and the plane's gear automatically retracted after take off. But come landing time wouldn't re-engage: the helpless Denham couldn't do a thing as the plane ran out of fuel, in an attempt at an emergency landing the 747 exploded. Denham was killed instantly.

3. Mary Ridely, Joseph Coles and Haven Gillis were killed as they walked past a New York apartment building. David Smee, 7 years old, and his 6 year old sister were left alone in their 27th floor hotel room by their parents as they went to the hotel's gaming room. Bored, the kids though it'd be fun to try to squish the "Ant looking things on the foot path below." They started by throwing fruit, and then quickly graduated to chairs, televisions, even the drawers from the bedroom dresser.

2. Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin brother Brian after a disagreement over who should take the family home after their parents passed away. Conrad had a nasal problem, and had no sense of smell. After the argument Brian stormed out of the house, then snuck back later, and turned on the 3 gas taps in the house, filling it with gas. Then left out a box of cigars, a lighter and a note saying, "Sorry for the spree, have a puff on me, Brian" Conrad promptly light a cigar, destroying the house, and killing himself in the process.

1. Gail Queens, 23 years old, was killed by her Zoo keeper Boyfriend Mathew Callaway after she refused to indulge him. He 'invited her' to the zoo the see the lion feeding, and at feeding time lead her into a room that had a large slide away panel, He explained to her that it was a large glass viewing window to watch the lions devour their prey. He ducked out for a quick smoke and locked her in the room. Suddenly the slide away panel opened to reveal many persons staring at her, she was just about to yell and tell them that they were on the wrong side of the glass when she realized that it was her on the wrong side. Another panel opened and 3 hungry lions were let into the pen. Gail survived for 2 days in hospital before dying of massive internal injuries.


How funny is this joke, video, picture?

Submitted By


smiley 4.6 PG

submitted: 1+ years ago

viewed: 5,184 times

categories: ethnic, race, international men, women, relationships sex, sexuality work, school





Save to List


Personal Lists

Create New Personal List

List Name:

Allow Others to View/Subscribe:

save cancel


Community Lists

Create New Community List

List Name:

save cancel



User Comments Add Comment

showing 0 - 0 of 0 discussions       sort by: newest

CC25D_What The FBI *really* investigates

Advertise | About Us | Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Copyright Agent | Parents' Guide | Contact Funny.com