How to Write an E-Mail Report Using America Online:
1. Type in your user name and password and hit the "Sign On" button.
2. Fix yourself a cup of coffee.
3. Watch the next show on the Discovery Channel.
4. Return to your computer. Wait approximately a half hour for AOL to finish signing you on.
5. Avoid impacting table with head as you are immediately signed off. Repeat Steps 1-4.
6. Open your online Mailbox.
7. After selecting the message at the top of your e-mail list, hit the "Delete" button approximately 250 times to get rid of unwanted junk mail and porno chainletters.
8. Hit the "Write Mail" button. Begin writing your e-mail report.
9. Avoid pounding keyboard with forehead as you are signed off halfway through your report. Repeat Steps 1-4.
10. Hit the "Write Mail" button. Begin rewriting your e-mail report.
11. Hit the "Save" button after writing the first two paragraphs.
12. Resist hurling your monitor out the window as AOL informs you that your computer has performed an illegal operation and signs you off.
13. Write your e-mail report using MS-Word or Notepad.
14. Save your e-mail report using MS-Word or Notepad.
15. Highlight the text of your report and hit the "Copy" button.
16. Repeat Steps 1-4. Resist the urge to fill out an application to Harvard College because you have learned so much from the Discovery Channel.
17. Hit the "Write Mail" button. Make sure your cursor is inside the text box for your e-mail.
18. Hit the "Paste" button.
19. Make sure the nearest window is closed.
20. Scream and curse at the top of your lungs because your computer has frozen. Avoid replacing your CD-ROM drive with your keyboard.
21. Call your neighbor and inform him/her that you are coming over to use their computer.
22. (optional) Collect all 367 of your AOL CD's that you have received in the mail. Transform them into coasters.