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Americans have different ways of saying things. They say "elevator", we say "lift" ... they say "President", we say "stupid psychopathic git" --Alexi Sayle

If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.--Dick Cavett

The trick to flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.--Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Never go to a doctor whose office plant have died.--Erma Bombeck

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.--Pancho Villa-Last Words

Let me just tell you how thrilling it really is, and how, what a challenge it is, because in 1988 the question is whether we're going forward to tomorrow or whether we're going to go past to the -- to the back! -- Senator Dan Quayle, 8/17/88 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)

Yogi Berra on seeing a Steve McQueen movie: - "He must have made that before he died"

"When you come to a fork in the road, take it!"

17% of college graduates would punch themselves really hard in the face for $50.

When Ford Motor Company began marketing their popular Pinto in Brazil years ago, they were puzzled by terrible sales. Things improved when they changed the name to Corcel, which means "steed." Pinto is Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals..."

If you were a poor Aztec with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh.

On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK" (Anonymous)

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. (Rodney Dangerfield)

What's with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say, "That's dynamite, baby."

Friends: People who know you well, but like you anyway.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move dead bodies.

Friends don't let friends drive naked.

Friends -- the people who stab ya in the front.

Sometimes people need what only friends can provide -- Absence.

Friends who think they're perfect are very annoying to those of us who really are.

When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend

To err is human. To really screw things up you need a computer.

Join the army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names." -John F. Kennedy

"Love is like a bird. When you least expect it, it craps on your face" -Bud

A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you. --Ray Romano

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, "Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery

The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run. -- John Barrymore

And that's the world in a nutshell -- an appropriate receptacle. (Stan Dunn)


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