1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
2. Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the FUCKING thing in the first place.
4. Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's ass, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.
5. Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.
6. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
7. Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.
8. Girls.. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.
9. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
10. Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.
11. Save money on expensive personalized car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing number plate: Mr KVL 741Y.
12. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
13. Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.
14. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
15. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
16. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place
17. Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.
18. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
19. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.
20. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.
Look after yourselves!
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