(1) I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
(2) I love deadlines. Especailly the whooshing sound as they go flying by.
(3) Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
(4) Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days you are the statue.
(5) Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
(6) I don't have an attitude problem. You just have a perception problem.
(7) Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars and I wondered, where the heck is my ceiling?
(8) My reality check bounced.
(9) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
(10) I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
(11) You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
(12) Everybody is someone else's weirdo.
(13) Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.
(14) Never argue with an idiot, they'll just bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.