Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers? Tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...[picks up his glass of water from the stool]...I like to live on the edge...
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
What's another word for Thesaurus?
I was born by Caesarian section...but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
Cross-country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking". I don't have time for that.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
I like to go to art museums and name all the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail...Kitten On Fire...
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?"
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Not in a row."
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with any purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it...
I invented the cordless extension cord.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
I saw a close friend of mine the other day...He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know... my calendar has no sevens."
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