These are some quotes from the comedian Steven Wright
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
I like to fill my bath tub up with water, turn on the shower and pretend like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.
I was driving along and i passed a gas station with 2 signs in the window: "Help Wanted" and "Self Service". So I went in and hired myself.
I got pulled over by a police officer the other day. He said, "Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" I said, "Yeah, but I wasn't gonna be out that long."
My friend got food poisoning awhile ago and he had to go to the hospital. I got poisoning today, I don't know when I'm gonna use it.
I'm writing a book on my theory that the end of the cold was is what started global warming.
I bought some land, real cheap, its on somebody else's property.
During tax season I had a little problem. I had this calculator with no five. I ran into a friend of mine and i told him this and he said, wow thats really weird, how long have you had it? I said I dunno my calender doesn't have any sevens.
I live on a one-way dead-end street. I don't know how I got there.
I was at work and a man came in and asked, "If I melt dry ice can I swim without getting wet?"
If I were in a vehicle moving at the speed of light and I turn on my head lights would they do anything?
I can levetate birds but nobody cares.
It's a good thing for gravity, otherwise when birds died, they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused. All the live birds would be hiding behind the dead ones.
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