By Jack Handey:
To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?," you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.
One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me.
If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!
If you're an archaeologist, I bet it's real embarrassing to put together a skull from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but then it turns out it's not a skull but just an old dried-out potato.
I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him and hand it to him.
I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
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