Meliora F.

*Men are NOT mind readers. Oh, trust me, we women know you men can't read minds. We're just a little worried when we're actually honest and upfront with you you'll get scared. *Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. Alright, I think we can agree to let the whole up or down thing go? on one condition: PLEASE put the seat up before you pee. *Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. Kind of like PMS. Got it. *Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. Same with spitting off tall buildings and pissing contests. *Crying is blackmail. We reserve the right to use this form of blackmail whenever we please. *Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! Alright, but just remember: you asked for it. *Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. If you're going to be vague, expect more questions. Women aren't mind readers either. *Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. When you start coming up with good solutions, we'll start taking your advice. *A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. You might wanna think about all the times those headaches come up? Just saying. *Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. As long as you admit you're wrong within those 7 days, it's a deal. *If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. Well, I guess you're not going to see too many of those Victoria's Secret girls. Soap opera guys are generally @ssholes. We don't like @ssholes. *If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. If you think you have a small wang, you probably do. Don't ask us. *If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. Us too! *You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. Us too! *Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. Are you sure you really want to miss those? *Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we. Christopher Columbus landed in the Bahamas and thought it was the East Indies. I think he could have used some directions. *ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. And we women can't differentiate between golf and hours of overwhelming boredom. *If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. Fine, but at least don?t sniff your fingers afterword. *If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. You promise you won't run away scared? *If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. If you ask a stupid question, don't even expect an answer. Contrary to popular belief, there are stupid questions. Think before you ask. *When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine, really. When we have to go somewhere, almost anything is better than dirty sweatpants and t-shirts with holes in the armpits. *Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf. Then don't ever insinuate that you think about anything besides baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf. You think women are confusing? *You have enough clothes. You have enough power tools. *You have too many shoes. You have too many dolls---Uh, I mean "action figures." *I am in shape. Round IS a shape! Unless you like your women round too, get your fat @ss to a gym!