Brooks B.

Okay so I woke up this morning walked outside to have a smoke and saw something that amazed the hell out of me. It was Santa Clause and all his reindeer! And they were sitting on my roof! "Yippie". I was so filled with glee I ran to my garage grabbed a ladder thew that bitch against the house and climbed up onto the roof to greet santa. Now after I calm down a bit I say to myself "What the fuck Christmas isn't until tommorow santa shouldn't be here yet". So I walk up to Mr. Clause and say "Santa what the fuck are you doing here it's not christmas yet?" he replies "Well Brooks for you this year it is, I finally recieved your letter that got lost in the mail 20 years ago about you wanting to ride in my sleigh christmas night and help me deliver all the presents". So I say to him "but Santa I'm not a child anymore. I'm not even supposed to believe in you, and I really dont want ro ride in your stupid fucking sleigh either" Now this pissed Mr. Clause off and he climbed into his sleigh told me to go to hell and that I have always been a bad boy anyways. Now this really upset me that santa just called me a bad boy. So i say to Santa "I'm sorry Mr. Clause I didn't mean to make you upset, it's just that it's early and I got really drunk last night and didn't sleep at all". So He forgives me for cussing him out and tells me how he's having the same problem too and how Mrs. Clause kicked him the fuck out of the house for getting hammered last night and that's really why he was sitting on my roof top. So I tell Mr. Clause that there is no better cure for a hangover than a beer and a shot of whiskey. He agrees so I hop into his sleigh and we land on the first bars roof top we spot. We get out of the sleigh climb down the chimney and sit at the bar and order our beer. The bar tender looks at Santa and says "Santa is that You? You shouldn't be in here you should be getting ready for Christmas". Santa get's pissed, pulls out his buck knife and stabs this bitch in the face. I'm like "Damn Mr. Clause I didn't see that coming." He reply's "that bitch had it coming from a long time ago when she tried to poison my cookies". So me and Santa have the bar all to ourselves now, we take a few shots drink a couple beers and grab a few road sodas to throw in the back of the sleigh. By this time it's about noon, so we figure we have plenty of time until we have to deliver the presents. We hop in the sleigh take off and have a few more beers. Santa is a little buzzed now and getting horny so he asked me if I would like to go to the strip club. I said "hell yeah I know where there's one at about 10 miles from here". He's like "well let's go". I'm thinking "fucking right this Santa guy isn't too bad at all". So we land on the strip club roof climb down the chimney go to the bar get a beer, some one dollar bills, and finally go over to watch the strippers dance. We sit down and start drinking some more, harrass the strpper, and start throwing dollar bills at her. The stripper finally realizes that this is Santa sitting there so she comes over and says "Santa you don't have to tip, I'm a naughty girl and you're coming to the back room with me" So I get pissed and I'm like "what the fuck? what about me?" So she's like "alright you can come too". So she takes us to the back room and starts giving us both blow jobs, but this isn't enough for santa he wants some ass. Santa tells the bitch to sit on his dick, so she does and me and Santa end up tag teaming the bitch. Now I don't think I pleasured her at all but Santas twelve inches sure did. So she told us to go to the bar and drink whatever we want for free. So me and Santa sit at the bar talk about pussy and get wasted off our ass. After about 10 beers and quite a few shots we climb back up the chimey and hop back into the sleigh. I look at wasted Santa and say "Santa I don't think you should be driving this sleigh right now" He says "Fuck That" I'm like " umm Okay as long as it isn't me driving" and we take off again. At this point me and Santa are fucking wasted off our asses. Were flying around in the sleigh bonging beers and throwing our bottles at road signs, people, and moving vehicles. One of the bottles that Santa throws hits a guy right in the dick and he falls over and gets run over by a semi-truck. I tell santa that we better stop and see if this guy is okay. Wasted Santa says "No way I'm not going to jail for the rest of my life". I'm like "Fuck it's 9 at night and you have to deliver these presents tonight, you can't be going to jail anyway" So I jump out of the sleigh, face plant it into the ground, and shit my pants. I walk to the police station and admit to to killing the guy so Santa can go home get some sleep and deliver his presents. So they throw me in jail and Santa goes home sobers up and delivers all the presents. So Christmas was saved and the next day Santa came and admitted to hitting the guy in the dick with the beer bottle. So they arrested him charged him with muder and brought him to his cell. A month later Mr. Clause got his charge reduced to man-slaughter and served only nine month's. He got out of jail found out he got the stripper we tag teamed pregnant and that Mrs. Clause had left him and shot himself in the head!

rating: R