Chester B.

These are true signs and newspaper headlines SIGNS found in Moscow Hotel lobby across from a russian orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday! Swiss Mountain Inn: Special Today ----No Icecream! Door of a health food shop Closed due to illness We repair what your husband fixed! On a restroom hand drier: Do not activate with wet hands In a restroom cubicle: Toilet out of order, plz use floor below If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons. In a bowling alley: Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop. sign at a psychic's business; Don't call us we'll call you CLASSIFIED ADS 1985 Camaro red 68,000 miles, runs good, needs motor One pair hardly used dentures, only two teeth missing $100 Turkey for sale - only partially eaten, only 8 days old. Both drumsticks still intact $23 Parachute, never opened, used once, Free dog, eats anything and is fond of children Debbie's hair salon if we can't make you look good, your ugly! For sale, one used tombstone, perfect for anyone named Michael Smith For sale, 16 volume encyclopedias, not needed anymore because i know everything. PRODUCT WARNINGS Blow dryer do not use while sleeping Iron Never iron clothes on the body Life saving device Warning, this is not a life saving device! Child sized superman costume This garment does not enable you to fly Camera This camera will only work when film is inside (DUH) Soap Directions: Use like regular soap Christmas Lights For indoor or outdoor use only Peanuts Contains Nuts!! Shampoo Use reapetedly for severe damage Blanket Not to be used as a protection from a tornado Insect Spray This is harmful to bees!! NEWSPAPER HEADLINES MY FAVORITE!! something went wrong in jet crash experts say Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers Deer Kill 17,000 Stolen Painting found by tree Two soviet ships collide, one dies two sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter British left waffles on falkland islands Iraqi Head seeks Arms Miners refuse to work after death Enraged cow injures farmer with ax Man struck by lightning faces battery charge Typhoon rips throug h cemetery, hundreds dead. Lansing residents can drop off trees Local High school dropouts cut in half survivor of siamese twins joins parents include your children when baking cookies!! Drunk gets nine months in violin case Bridge held up by red tape cold wave linked to temperatures Queen MAry having bottom scraped A ring of debris was found around Uranus Milk drinkers are turning to powder Kids make nutritous snacks hospitals sued by seven foot doctors Astronaut takes blame for gas in spacecraft Grandmother of eight makes hole in one Lawmen from mexico barbecue guests Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy Dealers will hear car talk at noon New Vaccine may contain rabies LOL