Funny.com. Work in progress... In the meantime, here are 10 random funny stuff for you:

A R.

funniness: 10.00

rating: PG-13

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miguel c.

"Me too"

funniness: 9.41

rating: PG-13

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Moe R.

CHINESE SICK LEAVE : 'I NO COME WORK TODAY!' Hung Chow calls in to work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt. I no come work.' The boss John says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.' Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say and I feel GREAT. I be at work soon.........You got nice house!'

funniness: 9.49

rating: PG-13

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Luis M.

If you saw the Sign first.. either your Gay or a chick...

funniness: 8.70

rating: PG

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Chetla J.

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven." Mary answers, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!" The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this. "Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"

funniness: 8.55

rating: PG

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Paul Z.

funniness: 8.59

rating: PG-13

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Moe R.

A word to the wise. For all those who are retired and those who hope to retire. I suggest that you pay close attention to Jims? tale. ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND: It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are overly sensitive, and there?s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Terri. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Terri to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don?t yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men?s Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I?m ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it?s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won?t clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take `em for better or worse, so I just smile an do offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won?t have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn?t hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points. When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene. I?m a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Terri. I?m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other. Signed, Jim EDITOR?S NOTE: Jim died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Terri was arrested and charged with murder. < The all-women jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

funniness: 8.37

rating: PG

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Rebekah R.

Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas. Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain. Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down. Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order. A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants. Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face. There is in fact an ?I? in Norris, but there is no ?team?? not even close. Scotty in Star Trek often says ?Ye cannae change the laws of physics.? This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists. Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks. Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum. Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold. Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door. Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor. Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door. The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron?s ass halfway through the first chapter. Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life." If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period. Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you. The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian. Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium. The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition. Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep. Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks. The movie "Delta Force" was extremely hard to make because Chuck had to downplay his abilities. The first few cuts were completely unbelievable. Movie trivia: The movie "Invasion U.S.A." is, in fact, a documentary. Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror. There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer It's widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris' stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris' skin. Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day. Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever. Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place. Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back. Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way. The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales. Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children. Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick. Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking. Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: "Crouching Chuck, Hidden Norris" Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night. Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg. 'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA. Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill. When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle. According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday. Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it. In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research. Chuck Norris? favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse. When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as

funniness: 8.06

rating: PG

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Moe R.

funniness: 8.76

rating: PG-13

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John S.

-I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option. -More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me. -Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. -I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter? -Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk. -I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. -Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with? -Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft. -There is a great need for sarcasm font. -Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it. -I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it. -How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? -I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in. - I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. -The only time I look forward to a red light is when I?m trying to finish a text. - A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it. - LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say". - I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. - Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying. - Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart". - How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said? - I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers! - Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies" -What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other? - While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and I instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart. - MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. - Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. - I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water. -Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever. -I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired. - Bad decisions make good stories -Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do! - Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year? -If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible. -Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem.... -You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day. -Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection. -There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far. -I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to. - "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever. -I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?' -I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away? - I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste. -When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking. -I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes. -Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles... - As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists. -Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. -It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood. -I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. -Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it. -Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I?d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time... -My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that? -It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text. -I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

funniness: 9.46

rating: G

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