Funny.com. Work in progress... In the meantime, here are 10 random funny stuff for you:

Toni W.

There was a man that owned a giant gorilla and, all its life, he'd never left it on its own. But eventually he had to go on a business trip and had to leave his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor. So he explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o'clock. But he was never ever, ever to touch its fur. So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, ?Why can't I touch its fur?? as their didnt seem to be anything wrong with it. Every day he came in and looked for a little while longer as he still couldnt understand until, about a week later, he'd worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla. He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur. Suddenly the gorilla went ape shit and started to jump around, then it turned and began to running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the front door, over the lawn, across the street, into some one else's sports car and drove off. In the rear-view mirror, he could see the gorilla in its own sports car, driving right behing him. He drove for two hours until the engine began to splutter and the car just stopped. He jumped out and began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into someone's front garden and up the apple tree. He turned around to find the gorilla right behind him beating its chest. The man jumped down and ran back in to the street screaming, until it became dark and he thought he'd lost the gorilla. The man ran into an alleyway then, suddenly, he saw a giant shaddow coming down the street ahead. The gorilla! It came to the end of the alley, stood and looked striaght into the bloodshoot eyes of the man and came towards him slowly. This time there was no escape. As the gorilla neared him, the man began to feel faint. The giant beast came face to face with him, raised its mighty hand and said, ?Tag! You're it!?

funniness: 8.07

rating: G

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John S.

A business man and his minister went golfing one day. The business man was having a horrible day- all of his putts missed by a foot, he got at least three water hazards in the first nine, and was cussing like there was no tomorrow. Every single putt:"God damn it! I missed!" The minister, of course, was horrified that he would say such a thing, and replied "Do not take the Lord's name in vain!" But the other man shrugged him off. All game, the same thing, "God dammit I missed!" "Do not take the Lord's name in vain!" On the seventeenth hole, he shouted "God damn it! I missed!" and the minister replied, "Do not take the Lord's name in vain or he shall have to smite you!" But of course the man was so angry he didn't listen. Finally, on the eighteenth hole, he missed the last putt, and howled, "God damn it, I missed!!!" The minister opened his mouth to protest, when all of a sudden, a bolt of lightning shot from the heavens, and fried the Minister to a crisp! And booming down from the heavens came a voice, "GOD DAMN IT! I MISSED!"

funniness: 8.14

rating: G

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meghan k.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

funniness: 8.41

rating: G

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denyse n.

ONIONS AND CHRISTMAS TREES A family is at the dinner table.The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions". "Onions?" "Yes, you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree". "A Christmas tree?" "Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

funniness: 8.44

rating: PG-13

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Moe R.

funniness: 8.40

rating: G

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Moe R.

funniness: 8.84

rating: G

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Moe R.

funniness: 8.17

rating: PG

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Kate H.

Official Announcement: The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed! Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!

funniness: 8.38

rating: PG-13

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Luis M.

Proof that humanity will die off, not because of war or plague or Armageddon, but because of one thing: Stupidity. THESE ARE TRUE LAWSUITS... YOU CAN LOOK THEM UP IF YOU WISH! TOP TEN STUPID-A** LAWSUITS! 10) DUDE, THAT WAS MY CHANCE TO HANG 10.... A surfer recently sued another surfer for "taking his wave." The case was ultimately dismissed because they were unable to put a price on "pain and suffering" endured by watching someone ride the wave that was "intended for you." 9)DYING FOR A COKE... Sometimes, being frugal can cost you more than anticipated. While apparently trying to steal a soft drink from a vending machine in 1998, 19-year-old Kevin Mackle was rocking it dangerously. Suddenly, the weight shift was too hot to handle and the contraption fell on him. The man died following the accident. His relatives sued Coca-Cola Co., two other companies, and Bishop's University in Lennoxville, Quebec (for about $660,000 US in damages and funeral costs) alleging that the machine was not secured and bore no warning signs. 8) A COSTLY BREAK-UP A jury awarded $178,000 in damages to a woman who sued her former fiance' for breaking their seven-week engagement. The breakdown: $93,000 for pain & suffering; $60,000 for loss of income from her legal practice, and $25,000 for psychiatric counseling expenses. 7) KILLER BIOGRAPHY A writer was sued for $60 million dollars after writing a book about a convicted Orange County serial killer. Although the inmate is on death row, he claimed that he was innocent in all 16 murders, so the characterization of him as a serial killer was false, misleading and "defamed his good name". In addition, he claimed those falsehoods would cause him to be "shunned by society and unable to find decent employment" once he returned to private life. The case was thrown out in a record 46 seconds, but only after $30,000 in legal fees were incurred by the writer's publisher. 6) WATER-PROOF SEATBELT This one is sad because it involves the drowning of a Honda. This drunk girl drove into Galveston Bay in Texas. Her friend got out alive but the drunk driver was too drunk to unfasten her seatbelt. So she died. So naturally, her parents sued Honda for manufacturing a seat belt that cannot be easily unbuckled by a drunk driver who is under water. 5) I PREDICT SUNNY WITH A CHANCE OF STUPIDITY.... A woman in Israel is suing a TV station and its weatherman for $1,000 after he predicted a sunny day and it rained. The woman claims the forecast caused her to leave home lightly dressed. As a result, she caught the flu, missed 4 days of work, spent $38 on medication and suffered stress. 4) BEER CHICKS (not included with purchase of beer) A man sued Anheuser-Busch for $10,000. Why? False advertising. Dude claimed that unlike their beer commercials would suggest, drinking their brand of beer did not cause bikini girls to suddenly break into a volleyball game and invite him back to their hotel room. Yes, this lawsuit was actually filed in a court of law. THE TOP 3....oooooh This is getting exciting..... 3) TURNED GAY AFTER REAR-END COLLISION A 27-year-old man from Michigan was involved in a rear-end collision. Four years later, he sued the owners of the truck that was responsible for the accident. Having suffered minor injuries, he stated that from then on, his sexual relationship with his wife deteriorated, as he was unable to maintain their sex life. He claimed that he had been so affected by the crash that his personality had been forever changed. In fact, he maintained that the accident turned him into a homosexual. He left his wife, moved in with his parents, began hanging out in gay bars, and became a fervent reader of gay literature. He won his case and was awarded $200,000, while his wife received $25,000. 2) OVERSTUFFED (with bullshit) A couple is suing Wal-Mart for injuries they claim were caused by canned goods and condiments that tumbled from an overfilled plastic grocery bag. The bag broke when the couple, Ronald and Brenda Sager, were unloading their groceries at home. Brenda suffered ?cracked and damaged toenails? and also claims to have a broken foot and ligament damage from the incident. Brenda is suing Wal-Mart for $30,000. Ronald also decided to get in the game, and he?s suing them for an additional $30,000 because ?during Brenda?s healing process, he was deprived of her comfort and her attention.? AND #1 is... MICHAEL J. look a like. A man?s suing Michael Jordan and Nike founder Phil Knight for a combined $832 million. I almost died when I heard about this ludicrous lawsuit: ?I?m constantly being accused of looking like Michael and it makes it very uncomfortable for me,? said Heckard. Heckard is suing Jordan for defamation and permanent injury and emotional pain and suffering. He?s suing Knight for defamation and permanent injury for promoting Jordan and making him one of the most recognized men in the world. ?Even when I go to the gym I?m being accused of playing ball like him (Jordan), said Heckard.? Now I have THE WORLDS SMARTEST STUPID LAWSUIT.... enjoy... BONUS: YOUR HONOR, I BLAME MYSELF... I'll SUE MYSELF TOO!... An inmate filed a $5 million lawsuit against himself (he claimed that he violated his own civil rights by getting arrested) -- then asked the state to pay because he has no income in jail. He said, "I want to pay myself $5 million dollars, but ask the state to pay it on my behalf since I can't work and am a ward of the state." The judge was not impressed by his ingenuity, and dismissed the suit as frivolous. Well I hope you enjoyed seeing how stupid we have become. Now if you excuse me I have to sue McDonalds because their Big Macs made me fat!

funniness: 8.67

rating: PG

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Tamal G.

funniness: 8.48

rating: G

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