Maria S.

I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no fucking way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why isn't notebook paper constantly suffocating students while they take notes in class? I'll tell you why: because paper can't beat anybody; a rock would tear that shit up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/paper/scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to beat me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, "Oh shit, I'm sorry. I thought paper would protect you, you asshole!" Did you know it's impossible to lick your elbow? Did you also know that 75% of people who read this will actually try it? Whoever says Christmas is right around the corner is retarded. I walked around the corner like eight times and still haven't found it yet. Deck the halls with Gasoline! Fa la la la la la la Light a match and start to scream! Fa la la la la la la Watch the world burn to ashes Fa la la la la la la la la Aren't you glad we played with matches? Fa la la la la la la! If you put a slinky on an escalator, would it go forever? Happiness is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth. "Fo' shizzle ma' nizzle" is a bastardization of "fo' sheezy mah neezy" which is a bastardization of "for sure mah ni**a" which is a bastardization of "I concur with you whole-heartedly my African American brother" Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out..." ? I have the body of a GOD... ...unfortunately, it's Buddha A day without sunshine is like... night Did you ever notice, when sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I'm nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!" It's ok, you're not the only one. A friend will help you up when you fall down, but a best friend will trip you again and call you an ass... The glass is neither half empty nor half full. It is twice as large as it needs to be... think about it. Take revenge... Crap on a pigeon "To be is to do." - Aristotle "To do is to be." - Nietzsche "Do be do be do." - Sinatra Did you know that 10 out of 9 people have a problem with fractions? I finally figured out who let the dogs out and no one cares anymore.... Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that people who have the most live the longest! I got a new car stereo the other day. When I shout "Soul", it plays soul music. When I shout "Rock", it plays rock music. Today, these kids ran in front of my car and I shouted "F#cking kids!!!!" It played Michael Jackson. I tried to sniff Coke once . . . . . . but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose. "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?" 'Both, son.' "Daddy, is God black or white?" 'Both, son.' "Daddy, is God Michael Jackson?" A father finds his son praying at night. 'God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta Grandpa.' The father finds this odd, but doesn't think too much of it. The next morning the grandfather dies. The father remembers the night before, but doesn't say anything. That night, the son prays, 'God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma.' The father hopes that nothing happens to the grandmother. Sure enough, the next morning the grandmother dies. At this point the father gets really scared. That night, the son prays "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy". The father stays up all night long, frightened. Early in the morning he goes to the doctor to make sure everything is fine. When he comes home, his wife is waiting frantically in the driveway and yells "Honey, come quick! The milkman just dropped dead on the porch!"

funniness: 8.42

rating: PG-13