Alex V.

Note: Before reading this joke, please note that you need to have a decent understanding of music. If you do not understand most of the jokes, please do not vote. Two guys are waiting for the bus, one is a musician, the other is broke too. What's the difference between a musician and a mutual fund? The mutual fund eventually matures and earns money. What do you call a guy who hangs around with musicians? A drummer. What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test? Drool. What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend? Homeless. Johnny says to his mom: "I want to be a drummer when I grow up." Mom: "But Johnny, you can't do both." Musical Terms Commonly Misunderstood by Country and Western Musicians and Their Translated "Country" Definitions: DIMINISHED FIFTH - an empty bottle of Jack Daniels PERFECT FIFTH - a full bottle of Jack Daniels BIG BAND - when the bar pays enough to bring in two banjo players PIANISSIMO - "refill this beer bottle" REPEAT - what they do until they just expel you BASS - the things you run aroun in softball PORTAMENTO - a foreign country you always wanted to see CONDUCTOR - the man who punches your ticketto Birmingham ARPEGGIO - "ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose?" TEMPO - good choice for a used car A 440 - the highway that runs around Nashville TRANSPOSITIONS - men who wear dresses CUT TIME - parole ORDER OF SHARPS - what a wimp gets at a bar PASSING TONE - frequently heard near the bakedbeans at barbeques MIDDLE C - the only fruit drink you can afford whenfood stamps are low PERFECT PITCH - the smooth coating on a freshlypaved road TUBA - a compound word: "hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryl Cream" CADENZA - that ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes WHOLE NOTE - what's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year CLEF - what you try never to fall off of BASS CLEF - where you wind up if you do fall off ALTOS - not to be confused with "Tom's toes","Bubba's toes", or "Do-ri-toes" MINOR THIRD - your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling MELODIC MINOR - Loretta Lynn's singing son 12-TONE SCALE - the thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer with QUARTER TONE - what most standard pickups can haul SONATA - what you get with a bad cold or hay fever CLARINET - name used on your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo CELLO - the proper way to answer the phone BASSOON - typical response when asked what you hoped to catch FRENCH HORN - your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 am CYMBAL - what they use on deer crossing signs so you know what to sight in you pistol with BOSSA NOVA - the car your forman drives TIME SIGNATURE - what you need from you boss if you forget to clock in First INVERSION - grandpa's battle group at Normandy AEOLIAN MODE - how you like Ma's apple pie BACH CHORALE - the place behind the barn where you keep the horses Have more bad jokes? Send them to us! An accordion player in his middle 40's was driving home around 10:00 pm from a Bar Mitzva. When he left, he placed his instrument in the back window of his car so he could watch it while he drove to make sure itwas OK. On his way, he decided to stop at a bar and get a drink to make up for the boring night. He stopped, locked his car, and then went inside. After he had had about 3 drinks, he suddenly realized where he put the accordion! He should have remembered what happened last time he left it in his back window! So he ran outside and looked at his car. The back window was broken in, and glass was all over the place. And, sure enough, there were two more accordions!!! Two men were at a bar and one said, " Hey, I had my IQ checked and it was 175, The other responded " That's a coincidence so is mine, what do you do for a living?" " I'm a physicist." was the reply. Again came "that's a coincidence so am I." This was overheard at a nearby table and these two compared IQ's at 160 and were surprised that they were both brain surgeons. At another nearby table one man despondently said to the other "Did you hear that? I had my IQ checked and it was only 52." The other said, rather enthusiastically, " That's a coincidence. So is mine. What instrument do you play????" How many country bass players does it take to change a lightbulb? One, five, one, five, one, five ... Why do bagpipe players march when they play? 1. To try to get away from the sound. 2. It's harder to hit a moving target. What would you do if you had all the bagpipe players on earth lined up end-to-end to the moon and back? Leave them there. How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb? None. The piano player can do it with his left hand. What's the difference between Kenny G and an UZI? The machine gun repeats only 50 times. What does one bagpipe player never say to another? "Hey man, what key's it in?" Why don't sax players like playing soprano? There's no place to hide your drugs. How do you get a bass player off your doorstep? Pay for the pizza. Kenny G gets on an elevator and says "Wow! This rocks!" What's the difference between a lawnmower and a tenor sax?You can tune a lawnmower. And, the neighbors care if you don't return it. What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain? Gifted. How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb? Five. One to do it, and four to comment on how David Sanborn would have done it. What do a saxophone and baseball have in common? People cheer when you hit them with a bat. Is there any difference between the sound of a clarinet and that of a cat in heat? Of course there is, but only if the cat's in good health. Why is playing an English horn solo like wetting your pants? Both give you a warm feeling, but no one else cares. What's the difference between a drum solo and a kaleidoscope? One is an endless array of random patterns usually geared to a four year old child, and the other is a small tube containing bits of glass you put up your eye and rotate. How do you make a chainsaw sound like a baritone sax? Add vibrato. Why are violas larger than violins? They're not. The violist's head is smaller. How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before finding just the right one. Why did the lead alto player play so many wrong notes? Because he kept ignoring the key signature -- he thought it was a suggestion. What's the difference between an oboe and an onion? Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe. What's the best use for an oboe? Using it to light a bassoon on fire. What do you call a bass player with no rhythm? Lead guitarist. How would you describe a bass player with perfect pitch? One who can get it in the dumpster without hitting the sides. What is the difference between an oboe and an onion? Nobody cries when you cut up an oboe. There are three types of people in the world. Those who understand mathematics and musicians. Did you hear bout the electrical engineer and part time band leader who put down on his resume that he was a semiconductor? So the Symphony Orchestra was playing a concert in the park and was in the middle of Beethoven's 9th Symphony.The basses, in the back of the orchestra, decided they had a few minutes to spare before being asked to play anything, so they ran across the street to the pub for some ale. It was a windy day, so they found some string to wrap around their music stands to secure their music while they were gone. Once at the tavern, they could hear the music and keep up with the progress of the piece. After one, two, or maybe three rounds, they decided that they had to hurry because the last movement of the ninth symphony was underway. They stumbled back onto the bandstand and were fumbling with the string, trying to get it loose, but not having much success. The conductor saw what was happening and instantly sized up the situation: It was the bottom of the ninth, the score was tied, and the basses were loaded. As an ancient Chinese sage once raised the question: "Last night I dreamt that I was a beautiful butterfly, but how do I know that I'm not now a butterfly dreaming that I am a man?", I dreamt last night that I was a trombone player. Maybe I should kill myself. Saint Peter is checking in new arrivals in heaven: >"What did you do on Earth?" >"I was a surgeon. I made the lame to walk." >"Well, go right on in through the Pearly Gates" >"What did you do on Earth?" >"I was a school teacher. I taught the blind to see." >"Fine -- go right on in through the Pearly Gates!" >"What did you do on Earth?" >"I was a musician. I made sad people happy." >"You can load in through the kitchen." Four guys die the same day and approach the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter says, "This won't affect your admission up here, fellas, but I need some information for our records." First guy steps up. Saint Peter says, "How much money did you make last year?" Guy says, "Oh, about $80,000." Saint Peter says, "What did you do for a living?" Guy says, "I was a systems analyst for an engineering firm." Saint Peter says, "Go right on in." Second guy steps up. Saint Peter says, "How much money did you make lastyear?" Guy says, "I grossed about $115,000." Saint Peter says, "What did you do for a living?" Guy says, "I was a creative director at an ad agency." Saint Peter says, "Go right on in." Third guy steps up. Saint Peter says, "How much money did you make last year?" Guy says, "I pulled in about $240,000." Saint Peter says, "What did you do for a living?" Guy says, "I was an orthidontist." Saint Peter says, "Go right on in." Fourth guy steps up. Saint Peter says, "How much money did you make last year?" Guy says, "I made $2500." Saint Peter says, "What instrument did you play?"The Light Bulb Jokes Many how does dyslexics take it change to lightbulb a ? Q: How many audio engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? A1 What's a lightbulb? A2 It's in the manual. Didn't you _read_ the manual? A3 Three. One to change it, and two to complain about how bad General Electric's customer support is. A4 None. That's what interns are for. A5 If you just turn the other dimmers down a bit, the client won't even notice that the bulb has gone out. A6 There is *NO* scientific difference between your old bulb and the new one, and anyone who tells you otherwise is peddling snake oil. A7 First, the decision as to whether the bulb should be changed. It takes 4 at the minimum. One of whom must have excellent communication skills and will present a paper on the subject for consideration by the AES. The other 3 set up numerous blind looking tests to determine whether or not anyone really will notice the bulb's state as significant. Passing that part of the process, we find that it may be necessary to select the proper replacement. The "1 or 10" rule applies here. Either the engineer is experienced enough to select the right bulb for the job, or it may require 10 engineers to discuss the various options available. No fewer than 3 of these will then review products suitable for the trade magazines while 4 others present discussions of the subject to such venues as regional AES section meetings and The remaining 3 indulge in Internet flame wars blasting the reviews of the first 3. Ideally, a side by side comparison of bulbs will take place. One must consider spectral emissions and footcandle data, measuring all to confirm manufacturers' claims. The type of gas filling the glass bulb and material used for the filament can influence the quality of lamp performance, and the psychological effects of color distribution can... What was the question? A8 Two. One to operate the dimmer and one to say "a little too bright. Turn it down." A9 If you use 110-ohm balanced line in your lamps, you can go for dozens of generations without changing. A10 One, so long as he replaces it with an oxygen-free bulb. A11 First we have to decide if the bulb is wired base-hot, or thread-hot. A12 Well, first we need to evaluate how it will affect the artistic integrity of the piece to be played in the dark or in the light.... A13 Three, if the bulb has poor off-axis response. A14 Lightbulb...??? You're still using those? A15 One, two, one, this thing on? A16 None. That's a job for a video engineer. A17 I don't know, how many engineers did it take at [rival-studio]? A18 None. Since it's analog, leave it broken and replace it with the latest digital bulb from Digi. A19 Three if it's staff, one if it's freelance. A20 Two. One to change it, and one to complain about the lack of high-end on the ladder. A21 None. They'll just fix it in the mix. How many government employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 549--435 representatives to pass the Illumination Act, 1 president to veto it, 100 senators and 1 presiding vice president to override the President's veto, 3 clerk to notarize the triplicate application for the lightbulb's screwing-in, 1 Department of Lightbulb Installation chairman to approve the screwing in of the lightbulb, and 8 Supreme Court justices to declare the Illumination Act unconstitutional. (The lightbulb never actually does get screwed in). What's the difference between a trombone player and a dead snake in the road? The snake was on his way to a gig!! A ventriloquist is onstage and during his show a hick musician stands up and yells,"HEY YOU! ONSTAGE! You been making smart-ass remarks about us musicians being stupid all night long! We're not all stupid ya know!" "Relax" said the vetriloquist, "They're just jokes!" "I'm not talking to you, sir!" The hick replied "I'm talking to that little bastard sitting on your knee!" We have a joke in mastering.... $125/hr if I do it. $175/hr if I do it and you watch. $250/hr if I do it and you help. $500/hr if you do it and I help. An Oboe player is an ill wood-wind that no one blows good. A percussionist counted 157 measures to play the only bass drum note in the whole piece. He raised his stick high and caught it in the drapery! Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the bassoon recital. The Talking Frog A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, andreturned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into aprincess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The man said, "Look, I'm a Software Engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

funniness: 5.35

rating: PG