Funny.com. Work in progress... In the meantime, here are 10 random funny stuff for you:

Jordan H.

Creative Answering Machine Messages Hi. Now you say something. Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep. You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me... [Drawling granny voice:] Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot. You have reached 468-7354. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work. Hello. I'm Nicolas's answering machine. What are you? Hi, this is Paul's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to suggestions. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets. Hello, this is The Howell's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... [Cachunk!] Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone. Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you. Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system. [Very fast:] Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP. [In a bored voice:] Heaven, God speaking... Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can. Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO. Bless you, my child, and have a nice day. Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you. Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up. Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you back as soon as I find it. I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks. I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message. This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your name and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI. You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you. Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't. [Deadpan voice:] Hi, This is Dave. Please leave a message as soon as possible and I'll get back to you at the sound of the tone.

funniness: 8.11

rating: G

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Toni W.

There were these three farmers that wanted to win the state fair contest for having the largest hog. They decide that they should stick a cork in the pigs ass and feed him for a month before the fair. The only problem was that none of them wanted to be the one to stick the cork in. So they bought a monkey and trained him to stick corks in bottles. After a week or two of this, they stick the monkey in the pen with the pig and a cork, and after a minute, the monkey did what he was supposed to do. The farmers fed the pig for a month and sure enough, they won first prize. Once they got home, they realized they still had to take the cork out. So they trained this same monkey to take corks out of bottles. They stuck the monkey in the pen with the pig, and the farmers woke up three days later in the hospital with a reporter sitting next to them. The reporter asked the first farmer, "What is the last thing you remember?" "Shit flying everywhere," the farmer replied. The reporter asked the second farmer the same question and got the same response. When she got to the third farmer and asked him what he could remember, he started crying. The reporter asked, "What's the matter?" The farmer replied, "The last thing I remember is the look on the poor monkey's face as he tried to stick the cork back in."

funniness: 8.22

rating: PG

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Moe R.

Smart Italian An Italian walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Italy on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Italian hands over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. The Italian produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the Italian returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The Italian replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my Ferrari for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

funniness: 8.72

rating: G

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Dan H.

A Kansas farmer dies and goes to hell. Being a Kansas farmer from a small town, he had always been a good church going family man. Unfortunatly, the farmer cheated on his wife with his daughter, (had to put an insest joke somewhere) Anyways, the second the farmer got to Hell, the devil wanted nothing more but to get revenge on the farmer for his good Christian spirit. So the devil gives the farmer a plot of land and tells him, "you are to plow this land for the rest of eternity. But no matter how hard you try, nothing will ever grow, and you will always be disatisfied with yourself!" a few days go by, and the devil notices the farmer is very happy. "WHAT THE HELL!" the devil screams. "Aren't you miserable that you can't grow crops no matter how hard you try!" The farmer says, "No! Are you kidding me, its not the crops i love, its the work!" The devil sees this and get irritated, so he says, "Fine, from now on, the weather will be a dry heat of over 130 degrees! see how you can handle that!" A few days pass and the farmer is happier than before' The devil get pissed and says, "How can you be happy working in this dry heat!" The farmer replies, "Don't you get it yet! All farmers like a challenge, the heat just makes me want to work harder!" This time the devil is really pissed, so he says, "FINE! Then from now on, it is going to be off season. It is going to be dark all the time and you will always have an erge to plow the fields, but it will be snowing, cold and dark, and all you will see around you is frozen dead crops you can do nothing with!" The devil goes back to his throne very pleased with himself knowing he finally made the farmer miserable. not five seconds later, a demon comes up to the devil frantic and scared, and says "Satan! You won't believe it, the farmer is jumping up and down completely extatic!" By this time, the devil is completely furious and runs up to the farmer and yells, "I have done everything you make your stay here MISERABLE! and still you are excited! Aren't you cold?" "Freezing!" yells the farmer "And aren't you frustrated with the crops!" Asks the devil "Completely!" answers the farmer "Then what in the Hell are you so damn happy about!" Asks the very confused devil The farmer jumps up and down with a huge grin on his face and says to the devil, "Hells frozen over! The Kansas City Chiefs have won the superbowl, and the Royals have won the World Series!"

funniness: 8.33

rating: PG

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amands z.

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. 'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.' The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, 'Well, how much does a brain cost?' The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain.' The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more?' The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used.'

funniness: 8.29

rating: PG

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pvlk k.

funniness: 8.17

rating: G

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Moe R.

funniness: 8.65

rating: PG

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Moe R.

funniness: 8.10

rating: PG

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Moe R.

funniness: 8.63

rating: PG

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John J.

Don't follow my example...Fill it out seriously!!!

funniness: 9.80

rating: PG-13

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