David B.

The following was created by myself and my fellow lifeguards, thankfully most of them are fictional. Unfortunatly, some them are real. Ways to anger, confuse, or otherwise break the mind of a lifeguard. 1. Ask for a kick board and then use it as a very small surf board. Especially effective if you get your overweight friend to jump off the high dive to make the waves. 2. Run on the deck, when asked to stop, explain how running is so much better exercise than swimming and that the lifeguard must be jealous that you're getting a better workout out of the water. 3. Using kickboards, recreate the equivalent of a boxing ring. Then, using your best circus voice announce today?s contestants as Chicken Little and Stuart Little. Then release the chickens. Make sure it?s near enough to the edge of the pool that feathers end up in the water. Bonus points if the chicken(s) escape and end up in the pool. 4. Dive into the shallow end. When the guard tells you to stop, lecture them on how small injures will make you stronger, and over time turn you into superman. (This works well for any safety issue. 5. Try and swim across the lap lanes where people are swimming. When stopped, explain that you were playing frogger. (I'm not making this one up, it really happened to me.) 6. Make a lot of noise and cause trouble or anything to get the guard to come talk to you. Once there, pretend not to speak English. Bonus points if you speak clearly with a beautiful English accent when they finally find a translator. 7. Start lecturing them about how their pool chemistry is off. When they go get their pool operator, start listing the chemicals that they need to add to fix it. It works best if you make up the names, bonus points are given if the names are based off of popular desserts. 8. Go to the guard and ask for a beach ball. After playing with it for a while, break it and ask go ask the guard for another one. See how many times you can repeat this before they stop giving them to you. 9. Register a formal complaint about the fact that people are changing cloths in the locker rooms. Bonus points for rants about public nudity and how evil it is. 10. Find an old broken laptop and take it into the pool. Then ask the life guards if they have an extension cord you can use so you don't run down the battery. 11. If female, wait until there is a young male lifeguard in the office then inquire if they have any "feminine hygiene products" you could borrow. Bonus points if you're male. Double bonus points if you?re a drag queen that later changes and says hi. 12. Inquire as to when the skinny dipping hours are. Works best if there are senior aerobics classing going on when you ask. 13. Bring a large bucket of popcorn and recline in an inter-tube, after a min or so, or when the guard comes to talk to you, inquire as to when the movie is going to start. Bonus points for asking if they mind if you pee in the pool so you don't lose your seat when you have to go in the middle of the movie. 14. Get a large number of very real looking rubber fish and put them into the pool and leave them. After some time has passed and they are all either on the bottom or floating belly up, tell the lifeguards how horrible they are at managing an aquarium and that you are suing them for killing your fish. 15. Pretend to get lost on the pool deck and ask where the locker rooms/bathrooms are. Let the guard know you are lost and really have to pee. When given directions, thank them and then get lost again on the way. Repeat as many times as you can. Bonus points if after a while you ask if it would be alright if you just took a leak on the deck. 16. Ask the lifeguard if he/she can help you tie you bathing suit. Works best if you're 16 or older. 17. Use a pair of sun glasses and pretend to be blind. Bring your dog along and say that it?s your seeing eye dog. Bonus points if you insist that you need the dog to swim with you. 18. Find a powerful boom box, and play ?Who let the dogs out? as loud as you can. Then, shortly after it starts, arrange for several dogs to be released into the pool area. Bonus points if the dogs out number the humans. 19. Find a water proof full body shark costume and swim around chasing small children. When the guards try to get your attention, completely ignore them. Remember, sharks can't understand them. Bonus points if you try to chase them down when the finally get in to remove you. 20. Challenge the guards to a foot race across the deck. When declined, make disparaging remarks involving their mother and a rabid ferret. 21. Walk in and tell the guards that you are a health inspector. When questioned about why you are wearing street cloths, say that your uniform is at the cleaners. Then use a cup of water and food coloring to "test the water". Let the guard know that they have just tested positive for some terrible disease and that they need to close the pool. Bonus points you made up the name and based it on a breakfast cereal. (e.g. ovacherioitis, flakeious corns disease, etc) 22. Get a can of compressed air (the kind divers use, not the office supply), and wait on the bottom of the deep end. When the guard come in to rescue you thinking you're in trouble. Once you get up become very angry and explain how you were very busy counting the tiles and that now you have to start all over again. 23. Jump off the diving board and pretend to panic in the water, when the guard jumps in to save you, swim away making as much noise as you can and splashing like crazy to maintain the image of drowning. Bonus points if you swim the guard around in circles. 24. Ask one life guard if you can do something that you aren't allowed to do. When told no, proceed to ask another guard. See how many you can ask before they catch on. Bonus points if you finish and have to start talking to managers. Double bonus points if you manage to ask some guards more than once. 25. Ask the lifeguard for a hose, when asked why; tell him/her that the diving board looks like it would make a great slip and slide. Bonus points if you have an explanation for how you're going to overcome the anti-slip texture on it. 26. Corner a guard in a chair, and lecture them on how a particular rule is going to cause the end of the world. Bonus points if you can involve toaster ovens, small puppies, and/or raspberry jam in the connection. 27. Push a guard chair into the water with the guard in it. When they get out act insane and talk about how you saw visions of them in flames and you were saving them. Bonus points if when they get angry you collapse into a ball and cry about how nobody loves you its going to make the clowns eat you. Double bonus points if you actually convince them that you're crazy. 28. Ask if you can swim in the lanes marked as reserved, when told no, explain how reserving lanes is a sign of American politics and that its the reason our country is going to hell. Bonus points for going on for over a min before the guard can get a word in edgewise. Works best if they are in the chair so they can't escape. (How I wish I was making that one up.....) 29. Wander in, and spend a few min walking around the pool. Make it very obvious that you are looking for something. Once you are sure that the lifeguard has seen you looking for something, wander over and ask where the water pool is.(Again, how I wish that one were fiction) 30. Throw any chocolate candy bar into the pool. Point it out to the guard and tell them you think someone ?had an accident? in the pool. Watch as they close the pool, only to discover that it was just a candy bar. Have a friend then though another candy bar in the pool and do the same. Keep this going for as long as possible. No bonus points for actually ?having an accident? after they stop believing you, that?s just wrong you sick freak. 31. Climb on the lap lanes, try and get is high as you can. When the guards stop you, explain that you are practicing to join the circus as a tight rope walker. Bonus points if you were actually able to walk on them. 32. Wander around the pool searching for any parts that can be removed (toys, kickboards, rubber stoppers, pieces of the bleachers, lane line parts, anything) and start collecting them in a corner. When the lifeguards confront you, tell them you're practicing to be a ferret. Bonus points if you do your best ferret imitation while collecting. Double bonus points if you continue with the imitation when the lifeguards confront you. 33. Dress up like a lifeguard, complete with rescue tube and start guarding. When approached by managers, insist you've been there for the past 2 months. Then complain about the poor pay scale. 34. Line the pool deck around the diving boards with buckets, and start a splash contest off the high dive. When asked what the buckets are for, tell people that you are interested in the save the whales foundation, and collecting water for a whale tank. 35. Get a bucket and start bucketing water onto the deck. When approached by the life guard, explain that you're little brother is afraid to go into the pool because he can't touch the bottom, so you're lowering the water level. Bonus points if you can find a small child to stand off a little ways and watch expectantly. Alternately, if at an outdoor pool with grass, tell the lifeguard that you are preparing for the swamp Olympics. 36. Go to an indoor pool, and bring an inflatable pool (the kind you can get at wall-mart for $20), and set it up on the pool deck. Set up a heater in it and start complaining about how cold the water in the pool is. Alternately, put ice cubes in it and complain about how cold your water is. Expect the lifeguards to fix it. Bonus points if you can develop a tick in your eye or some other trade mark sign of insanity. 37. Ask the lifeguard if you can do a Superman off the rafters into the deep end. If he/she says no, say that it's imperative that you must otherwise you will sprout potatoes from your ears. Bonus points for bringing potatoes to plant in your ears when they say no. Negative points if they're French fries and you put them in your nose. 38. Bring in a few expensive looking text books and a notebook labeled "future Nobel prize work". Take it out into the pool with you on a raft and pretend to be studying. After several minutes (make sure that the lifeguard has noticed) flip over and spill everything into the pool. Blame the lifeguard for not properly warning you of the danger that pool water posed to paper books and notes. Make as much noise as possible yelling that you are suing the guard personally for the loss of your life's work. Bonus points for seamlessly fitting in references to coffee burns and McDonald's. Double bonus points for coming back later with a friend dressed in a business suit and a fake court order. 39. Start changing a baby's diaper on the deck (your kid, your brother, some random baby you found at the grocery store, whatever). When the lifeguard approaches you and asks you to use the locker rooms, get disgusted at the idea of putting your child on a surface that a baby had is diaper changed on. Go on about how many germs are in a baby's poop, and how you are protecting them from that. Bonus points if you put in a blurb about how crazy it is to be offended by a naked baby. Double bonus points if you manage to convince the lifeguard that diaper changing stations are the source of all human disease. 40. Bring in some old homework from class and drop it into the pool. Swear that you had dropped it onto the deck and demand that the lifeguard stop the pool from moving around and swallowing up your hard work. After several minutes of yelling at the guard, stop suddenly and go into deep thought for a few sec. Come out of your trance suddenly and yell very excitedly about how you've just discovered a new law of relativity. Bonus points for running off yelling EUREKA EUREKA at the top of your lungs. Double bonus points if you find a way to do so naked. 41. Get some scuba gear and an old cell phone. Take the cell phone down to the bottom of the pool and just sit there for a while looking like you're on the phone. After several min have passed, come up to the surface and start complaining about how horrible the reception down there was, and how hard it is to make a conference call from down there. Expect the lifeguard to be able to do something about it. Bonus points if you cell phone actually works afterwards. Double bonus points if you tell them you're going to sue them for the lost business. 42. Get some noodles have light-sabre battles with your friends, complete with sound effects. When confronted by the guards, attempt to use the Force to choke them to death, and then go on to babble about underestimating the dark side. Bonus points for doing this while dressed in all black, including boots and cape. Double bonus points for having SCUBA gear and breathing like Darth Vader. Triple bonus points for working the "I AM your father" line into the conversation in any coherent way. 43. Steal a CPR manikin from the life guards. Tie a brick to its feet and take it to the top of the high dive. Hold it as a hostage and threaten to drop him if you don't receive proper compensation for your pet llama that was run over by a tractor last week. Bonus points if after a min or so you break down into crazed tears. Double bonus points if you "accidentally" drop the manikin and then yell "TIMMY, NOOOOOO" and jump in after it to save it. Quadruple bonus points if a llama walks in while you're falling (I mean really, if you get a llama, you deserve more than just triple bonus points). 44. Wait until the lifeguards have marked off an area for cleaning as closed. Walk up to the guards who are cleaning and complain about how the area closed sign isn't obvious enough and don't back down until they have erected a certifiable barricade. This may require the use of another friend, threats of lawsuits, and/or maniacal laughter while brandishing a spork. Bonus points if you then get another friend to wander past the barricade into the closed area and then say they never saw it. 45. Get a rope and section off as much of the pool as possible. Take 5-10 of your friends and give them a mock swim class all the while yelling as loudly as possible. See if anyone notices and tries to stop you. Bonus points for inventing strokes such as the weasel roll, the penguin waddle, and the rock stroke. Double bonus points if people try to join your class. Triple bonus points if after you ?dismiss? your first class, you ask the guards where your next class is and then accusing them of calling the students and canceling the class.

funniness: 8.28

rating: G