Funny.com. Work in progress... In the meantime, here are 10 random funny stuff for you:

Alex V.

These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts." They are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who endured the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Q: Are you sexually active? A: No, I just lie there. Q: What is your date of birth? A: July 15th. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo. Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? A: Did you actually pass the bar exam? Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female? Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere. **************************** Please vote!

funniness: 8.60

rating: PG

Permalink...

A R.

These are actual jokes told by comedians. I DID NOT MAKE THEM UP! They were from a joke book. Enjoy! 1. Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door. -Jerry Seinfeld (on music) 2. Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. -Red Buttons (on spanking) 3. I never met anyone who thought southern is the world's most intelligent-sounding accent. None of us would want to hear our brain surgeon say, "Aright...what we gon' do is saw the top of yer head off, root around in 'er with a stick, and see if we cain't find that dadburned clot." You say, "No thanks, I'll just die, okay?" -Jeff Foxworthy (on Accents) 4. I got into a car wreck when I was twenty-two. Hit a damn lake. I thought the road was slick. State trooper sloshing up to my car asks me, "Have you been drinking?" How many sober people do you know who slam into lakes? "No, I ran out of gas. I could have made it across with a full tank." -Kenny Rogerson (on Accidents) 5. I became a mom six months ago. I adopted a highway. I'm trying to teach it to pick up after itself. -Nancy Jo Perdue (on Adoption) 6. I discovered my wife in bed with another man. I was crushed. So I said, "Get off me, you two!" -Emo Philips (on Adultery) 7. The basic beer ad: big-breasted babes in bikinis. Beer won't get you babes. But if you drink enough, you think they're babe. And if you drink more, you grow your own breasts. -Norman K. (on Advertising) 8. Just after my thirtieth birthday, instead of growing hair on my head, I now was growing it in places where I didn't need it, like the top of my ear. A strand had sprouted there overnight and made me looke like something out of The Cat in the Hat. -Bill Cosby (on Aging) 9. I hate flying in small planes. In the airport you see, "Flight 109: Departures, Arrivals--Odds." -Billy Crystal (on Airplanes) 10. Booze makes you loud. It's written on the label, "Alcohol percent by volume." -Mark Lundholm (on Alcohol) 11. We get upset when dolphins get caught in tuna nets, but no one cares about the ten thousand dead tuna. Because they're not cute. Dophins, on the other hand, have that great round, smiling face, the friendly eyes, the bald head. They look like you uncle Marvin. We can't slaughter anything that might show up for the holidays. -Paul Reiser (on Animal Rights) 12. If you look at a platypus, you think that God might get stoned---"Okay, let's take a beaver and put on a duck's bill. It's a mammal, but it lays eggs. Hey Darwin! Kiss my ass!" -Robin Williams (on Animals) 13. I always wanted to be the last man on earth, just to see if all those women were lying to me. -Ronnie Shakes (on Apocalypse) 14. I'm taking an art class and the nude model quit. Because I like to finger paint. -Wendy Liebman (on Art) 15. I'm paranoid. On my stationary bike I have a rear-view mirror. -Richard Lewis (on Attitude) 16. In some cultures they don't name their babies right away. They wait and see how the child develops, like it Dances with Wolves. Unfortunately, our kids' names would be less romantic and poetic. "This is my oldest boy, Falls Off His Tricycle, his friend Dribbles His Juice, and my beautiful daughter, Allergic to Nuts." -Paul Reiser (on Baby) 17. I prefer balding men. Why would you want to run your hands through a man's hair when you could shove your fist right into his skull? -Stephanie Hodge (on Bald) 18. I went into the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asks, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife. -Rodney Dangerfield (on Bars) 19. During the summer I like to go to the beach and make sand castles out of cement. And wait for kids to run by and try to kick them over. -James Leemer (on Beaches) 20. I don't understand camping. Maybe it's because I'm from New York, where we call it homeless. I am not leaving my apartment to go lay outside. -Karen Williams (on Camping) More to come soon!

funniness: 8.56

rating: G

Permalink...

John S.

funniness: 9.60

rating: PG-13

Permalink...

Moe R.

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE! What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ? The position of the dirt bag Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts. Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any. What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs. What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes. What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife. Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls. What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?" Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ? Everyone has the same DNA. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes. Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying "Yo". Why do driver's education classes in redneck schools only use the car on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it. Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him "Sum Ting Wong" What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast? They're hiring. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO"! What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit" Why is there no Disneyland in China ? No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

funniness: 8.88

rating: PG-13

Permalink...

ashley l.

funniness: 8.43

rating: R

Permalink...

Vasiliy O.

funniness: 9.86

rating: PG

Permalink...

Max N.

funniness: 9.00

rating: G

Permalink...

Casey S.

funniness: 8.39

rating: G

Permalink...

Moe R.

funniness: 8.05

rating: PG-13

Permalink...

Tamal G.

he farts from the wrong side

funniness: 8.81

rating: PG-13

Permalink...