Tyce F.

Diary of a California couple who move to the east coast to escape the earthquakes. Jan. 24 - It's starting to snow. The first snow we've seen in years. The wife and I took our hot buttered rums and sat by the window watching the snow flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground, it was beautiful. Jan 25 - We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Every tree and shrub was covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in years and loved it. I did both the driveway and our sidewalk. Later, the city snowplow came along and accidentally covered up our driveway and compacted the snow from the street, but the driver smiled and waved, and I waved back and shoveled it again. Jan. 26 - It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around 11 degrees.But we love it here. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards, the city snowplow came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now brownish gray. Jan. 27 - Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tires for both cars. Fell on my ass in the driveway, $145.00 for the physical therapist, but nothing broken. More snow and ice expected. Jan. 28 - Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought 4x4 in order to get her to work. Slid into a guardrail and did considerable amount of damage to the right rear quarter panel. Had another 8 inches of white shit last night. Both cars covered with salt and crud. More shoveling in store for me today. That damn snowplow came by twice today. Jan. 29 - Eight degrees outside. More fucking snow. Not a tree or shrub on our property that has not been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater, which tipped over and nearly burned the house down. I managed to put out the flames, but suffered second degree burns on my hands and lost all my eyebrows and eyelashes. Car slid on ice on the way to the emergency room and was totaled. Jan. 30 - Mother fucking shit keeps coming down! Have to put on all the clothes we have just to get to the fucking mailbox. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch that drives that fucking snowplow, I'll chew his chest and rip out his heart. I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling, then comes down the street about 100 mph and buries our driveway again! Power still off. Toilet froze and part of the roof has started to cave in. Jan. 31 - Six more fucking inches of fucking snow and fucking ice and god knows what other kind of white shit fell last night. I wounded the fucking snowplow asshole with an snow shovel, but he got away. The wife left me for the 4x4 salesman, the car won't start and I think I'm going snow-blind. I can't move my toes, haven't seen the sun in 6 fucking weeks, and there's more snow predicted. Wind chill: 22 fucking degrees below zero. I'm moving back to California.

funniness: 6.97

rating: R