Mark H.

These are rude nursery rhymes, songs and remakes of songs the way they should have been done... Masturbation Song You don't need to use a condom You don't need a dental dam You don't need to say "I Love You" or "Here's Fifty Dollars, Ma'am." Don't need to spring for dinner, Or wear all that sexy stuff All you need's a set of fingers and a wanker or a muff 'Cause everybody's doin' it, all across the land Masturbators Of America, Give Yourselves A Hand! It's natural, and organic It's easy and it's fun If you don't know how to do it ask your parents how it's done You don't need a special license You don't need a special skill Just unzip and slip your grip between your hips and get a thrill 'Cause everybody's doin' it, and boy does it feel grand, Masturbators of America, Give Yourselves a Hand! (Musical bridge, with lots of suggestive dance moves on the ROCKER'S part. For instance, he does that one bit where you jump backwards on one leg while playing air guitar, except that instead of playing air guitar he's stroking air wanker.) You can do it in the bathroom You can do it in your bed You can do it at a concert while you watch the Grateful Dead You can rub it with some lotion You can stroke it with a cloth Arnold Shwartzenegger pounds it, Michael Jackson jacks it off Your attitude will soften, your horizons will expand. Masturbators of America, Give Yourself a Hand ---------------------------------------- Single Woman's Prayer Now I lay me down to sleep. Please don't send me no more creeps. Please just send me one good man. One without a wedding band. One good man who's sweet as pie. Who brushed his teeth and doesn't lie. Who dresses neat and doesn't smell. And is sexy like my man Denzel. Is super-rich like Michael J. On second thought, that's okay. Man, if I should die before I wake, that would truly take the cake; No matrimony or honeymoon. No fancy reception planned for June. No throwing of the wedding bouquet. Please, God, don't let me go out that way. If I die before I meet Mr. Right I won't go out without a fight. But then again with my luck, He'd probably be just some schmuck. The single life is not that bad I know it's just a passing fad. I won't be blue. I will not frown. Besides, I like my toilet seat down. No more makeup, won't comb my hair. So never mind this stupid prayer. The single life will do just fine. So what's up, girlfriend? IT'S PARTY TIME!!!! ---------------------------------------- Abraham Lincoln Rhyme Abraham Lincoln was a good old man. He hopped out the window with his dick in hand. he said, "Excuse me ladies, just doing my duty so why not pull down your pants and give me some booty." ---------------------------------------- Mary Mary Rhyme Mary Mary quite contrary shaved her pussy cause it was so damn hairy. ---------------------------------------- Row Your Boat Song Roll, roll, roll your joint twist it at the end, take a puff, that's enough and pass it to a friend. ---------------------------------------- Jack and Jill Went Up The Hill Rhyme Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana, Jack got high, unzipped his fly, and Jill said "I don't wanna" Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a little fun. Stupid Jill forgot her pill and now they have a son. ---------------------------------------- I'm A Little Penis Rhyme I'm a little penis, Long and hard, If you want to see it, Come in my yard, When I get all horny, Then I spurt, Push me in, And pull me out! ---------------------------------------- Jack Rhyme Jack be nimble Jack be quick Jack burnt off his little Dick! ---------------------------------------- Mother Hubbard Rhyme Old Mother Hubbard went to the cubbard to fetch her poor dog a bone. But when she bent over, Rover took over And the bitch got a bone of her own! ---------------------------------------- Peter Peter Rhyme Peter peter pumpkin eater had a wife loved to beat her smacked her twice across the head fucked her ass and went to bed ---------------------------------------- Mary Had A Little Lamb Rhyme Mary had a little lamb she kept it in her back yard when she took her panties off his wooly dick got hard ---------------------------------------- Hickory Dickory Dock Hickory Dickory Dock The bitch was suckin my cock The clock struck two I dropped my goo And dropped the bitch off at the next block! ---------------------------------------- Little Boy Blue Little boy blue, he needed the money. ---------------------------------------- Little Bow Peep Little bow peep fucked a sheep blew a horse, licked his feet, she ate his ass so very nice tongued his balls not once but twice. ---------------------------------------- Mary Had A Little Lamb Rhyme Marry had a little lam it's fleece was black as coal, and every time it jump a fence you could see it's pink asshole.

funniness: 6.96

rating: R