Xandi N.

You Know You're Puerto Rican If ... You've ever used your lips to point something out. You've ever been hit with "chancletas", "la correa", or the cord of "la plancha". You get really scared whenever someone mentions "El Cuuuuuco!!!" You've gone to Titi's house and passed through the "bead curtain" in the living room. You step into a house that has all those little figurines taking up every inch of space on the TV and under the TV. Your mother has a porcelain cat, dog, Buddha or elephant in her living room. Almost everyone you know is nicknamed "mira". You've eaten "esporsoda" with butter. You have a perpetually drunk neighbor. You know your mom is sneaking up on you because you can hear the 'clack-clack' of her "chancletas". Someone in you family is name "Maria". You have actually met several people named "Jesus". You treat fevers with "alcoholado". You know "Don Francisco" from "Sabado Gigante". You need a cup of coffee after every meal. One of your aunts weighs over 300 pounds. You have a delinquent cousin. Your uncle owns more gold than the jewelry shop down the street. You've sat in a two-passenger car with over seven people in it, and there's a person shouting "Subete que caben mas!". You put a big Puerto Rican flag on your car come June. You've sung "Japi Beldei Two Yuuuu" more than you care to remember. You know at least four of your last names. You scrunch up your nose to ask a silent "que ?". You've ever left grass out for the camels on the night of Jan. 6th., instead of leaving milk and cookies for Santa Claus on Christmas. You remember Ricky Martin as the little one from Menudo. You were raised on Goya products (Si es Goya, tiene que ser bueno). You consider the bad luck day to be "Tuesday" (not Friday the 13th). You ever wished El Chapulin Colorado would come and save you. You've dropped food on the floor, picked it up, and eaten it after saying "lo que no mata engorda". Your sofa or rug is covered in plastic. You start clapping when your plane hits the runway. Your cousins have "original" names, like a blend of their parent's names (ViMari = Victor + Maria) Your mother, tia, or hermana's hair is black cherry, "sun in" red, or a burgundy that would make Celia Cruz jealous. You go to a wedding or Quinceanera party, gossip about how bad the food is, but take a plate to go. You can dance to merengue, cumbia, or salsa without music. You think Christina can beat Oprah any day. You can get to your house blindfolded because the smell of chuletas is SO strong. Your mother yells at the top of her lungs to call you to dinner when you live in a one bedroom apartment. Telenovenas have the status of holy ceremonies. You think platanos are a whole separate food group. You have a picture of "Cristo" in your house. You think your name begins like this: "Ave Maria Purisima, __________". You walk around saying "Chacho", or "Chacha" or "Ay Bendito". Others tell you to stop screaming when you're really talking. You know someone who drives a "Cheby". You call all sneakers "tenis". All breakfast cereals are called "Con Fley". All tissue papers are called "Klinex". All brands of diapers are called "Pampel". A balanced meal consists of rice and beans and some kind of meat. You know the difference between "Carolina Rice" and everything else. You appreciate the difference between "Agua de Florida" and "Superior 70". You have a great uncle that had more than three wives. You've put a penny on your forehead to stop a nosebleed. Your mother has put a balled up piece of thread on your baby cousin's forehead to stop her hiccups. The thought of eating fried pork intestines filled with blood and rice reminds you of Christmas. You have at least 30 cousins. At least! You know how to drive an "estandar" or "estic chift" car. You can tell the difference between "Cafe Crema" and "Bustelo". And last, but not least: Your grandmother thinks Vick's Vapor Rub is the miracle cure for everything!

funniness: 5.06

rating: PG