bill f.

The Barbie doll enjoys being one of the worlds most popular toys. However, along the way to getting that status, there were a number of doll variations that never quite made it. This is a list of the Barbie dolls that you most likely haven't seen on store shelves lately... 1. Scratch and Sniff Barbie (Use your imagination...we're not saying a word.) 2. Crash Test Barbie 3. Opera Barbie (complete with the horns and the brass brassiere) 4. Marie Antoinette Barbie (with removable head; guillotine included) 5. Hiroshima Barbie (just a shadow of her former self) 6. East German Swim Team Barbie (a Barbie head on a Ken doll) 7. Frozen Barbie on a Stick (in your grocer's frozen food section) 8. Forrest Gump Ken (Pull his string and he complains for two and a half boring hours.) 9. Divorce Barbie (includes the house, the car, and half of Ken's crap) 10. Broken Bungee Barbie [picture of a Barbie doll lying broken on the pavement] 11. FrankenBarbie [pic of green Barbie with bolts through her neck] 12. Shock Therapy Barbie (car battery and wires included) 13. Samuel L. Jackson Ken (He'll get medieval on your a**.) 14. Manic Depressive Barbie (with a set of Oriental throwing knives) 15. Biker Barbie (We're talking Harleys, not Stumpjumpers.) 16. Fat Barbie, in the following three varieties: a) Big Butt Barbie b) Love Handles Barbie c) More Chins than a Chinese Phone Book Barbie 17. Peg Leg Barbie 18. Eye Patch Barbie 19. Politically Incorrect Barbie (Pull the string and she loudly blurts all your favorite racial slurs.) 20. Death Row Barbie 21. Life Size Anatomically Correct Barbie (for all you perverts out there) 22. Grunge Barbie (with flannel shirt and a goatee) 23. Homeless Barbie (complete with stolen K-Mart shopping cart) 24. Tattoo Barbie [pic of Barbie with tattoos all over her back] 25. Burn Victim Barbie (bandages and Bactine included) 26. Venus de Milo Barbie (made of rock; no head, no arms) 27. Bulimic Barbie (Feed her, then make her throw it back up!) 28. Cyberpunk Barbie (includes 'trodes and implants) 29. White Trash Barbie 30. KKK Barbie (see #29) 31. Tammy Fae Barbie (WAY too much makeup) 32. Serial Killer Barbie 33. Drag Queen Ken (Comes with three, count 'em, three, of Barbie's dresses.) 34. Cannibal Barbie (Great visual imagery, huh?) 35. Fast Food Barbie (Also known as want fries with that?) 36. Teenage Slut Barbie (see #21) 37. Domestic Abuse Barbie (black eye) 38. Ski Bunny Barbie (soon to be #56) 39. Sucking Chest Wound Barbie [pic of same] 40. Alien Barbie (Don't tell ANYONE...) 41. Mafia Ken (With a violin got a problem with that?) 42. Alcoholic Barbie 43. Mutant Barbie (Professor Xavier's daughter: bald as a billiard ball, wearing a Dark Phoenix costume) 44. Las Vegas Showgirl Barbie [pic of doll in skimpy dress] 45. FemmiNazi Barbie (Pull the string and find out why men suck.) 46. Napoleon Ken (stands 2" tall) 47. Midget Barbie (partner to #46) 48. Ebola Barbie (Twelve hours after opening she'll be reduced to nothing.) 49. Spank-Me Barbie (see #36) 50. Shish-Ka-Barbie (Here's one we'd all like to see!) 51. Knocked-Up Barbie [pic of Barbie with big belly] 52. Chain Smoker Barbie (with Surgeon General's warning on box) 53. Tough Bitch Barbie (see #15) 54. Junkie Barbie (Gotta love those needle tracks...) 55. Iron Maiden Barbie (not the band, the device) 56. Avalanche Barbie (buried in 16 feet of snow) 57. Hooker Barbie (#44 after the show) 58. Cross-Dressing Ken, er, Barbie, er, Ken (Who knows?) 59. Whoopie Cushion Barbie (Do you really need a description?) 60. LAPD Barbie (Comes with two nightsticks, in case one gets broken subduing a suspect. Taser also available.) 61. Microsoft Barbie [pic of Barbie doll with Bill Gates' head] 62. Realistic Teenage Barbie (flat chest, braces, and acne) 63. Body-Piercing Barbie 64. Breast Cancer Barbie (shaved head, hospital gown, one breast) 65. Tasmanian Barbie (spins like a top) 66. Siamese Twins Barbie 67. Edible Barbie (also known as Choc-O-Barbie) 68. Hockey Barbie (Looks like #37 with a hockey stick and missing teeth.) 69. Triple Bypass Barbie 70. Lance Ito Ken (with beard, robe, and entirely too much advertising) 71. Marsha Clark Barbie (with a bad haircut and a bad attitude) 72. Diarrhea Barbie (Always on the run.) 73. Kleptomaniac Barbie [pic of doll with suction cup hands] 74. Barbie of Borg (You will buy one. Resistance is futile.) 75. Witch Doctor Barbie (see #34) 76. Elvira Barbie [pic of doll with skimpy black gown and long, black hair] 77. Werewolf Barbie (normal doll, except under a full moon) 78. Living Dead Barbie (use your imagination) 79. Bigfoot Barbie (sold mostly in the Northwest) 80. Cyclops Barbie (One eye, right in the middle of her forehead.) 81. Cyclops Ken (A perfect partner for #43.) 82. Flying Hero Barbie (Yes, I know they made this one, but it's at least as ludicrous as anything we came up with.) 83. Spock Ken (pointy ears, one eyebrow raised) 84. Hippie Barbie (complete with simulated controlled substances and paraphernalia) 85. Knifing Victim Barbie (Bears a striking resemblance to...oh, never mind.) 86. Head Trauma Barbie (I don't even want to talk about that one.) 87. Leprosy Barbie (with removable appendages) 88. Mortal Kombat Barbie (includes more blood than you can even imagine) 89. Iron Lung Barbie 90. Texas Necktie Barbie (with gallows) 91. Safari Barbie (With rifle, pith helmet, and pygmy guide.) 92. Steroid Barbie (The rest of her physique is as exaggerated as her bust is on the normal doll!) 93. Rock Climbing Barbie (#10 with climbing gear) 94. Militant Feminist Barbie (#45 with an assault rifle) 95. Paraplegic Barbie (Her legs don't move.) 96. Quadriplegic Barbie (Neither do her arms.) 97. Cadaver Barbie (removable internal organs) 98. Hunchback Barbie (Pull the string and she cries, "Sanctuary! Sanctuary!") 99. Nancy Kerrigan Barbie (Her knees bend backwards.) 100. Tonya Harding Barbie (You didn't think we'd sell one without the other, did you?) 101. Barbie Brain in a Jar [pic of an empty jar] 102. Circus Clown Barbie (Looks almost identical to #31.) 103. Human Cannonball Barbie (complete with spring-loaded cannon that will shoot her 15-20 eet.) 104. Lion Tamer Barbie (Lion is included. Barbie's head is not.) 105. Freak Show Barbie 106. Bearded Barbie [pic of same] 107. Elephant Trainer Barbie (squashed flat) 108. Bladder Control Barbie (comes with a free box of Depends undergarments) 109. Chernobyl Barbie (glows in the dark) 110. Jabba the Barbie [pic of Jabba with a Barbie head] 111. Princess Leia Barbie [pic of Barbie with the hairdo from Star Wars] 112. Darth Vader Barbie (Plastic helmet; pull the string and she sounds like James Earl Jones.) 113. Wookie Barbie (obnoxious blonde hair everywhere) 114. Sharon Stone Barbie (Is there a difference?) 115. 'Arnold' Ken (big and buff, no neck) 116. Rush Limbarbie (Big, no neck, but not buff. See also #16.) 117. Godzilla Barbie (six foot tall lizard with Barbie head) 118. King Kong Barbie (six foot tall ape holding Barbie doll dressed like Fae Rae) 119. T2 Barbie (a study in silver) 120. Bugs Barbie (buck teeth, long ears) 121. Elmer Fudd Ken (bald with hunting hat and rifle) 122. Joker Barbie [pic of Barbie with Joker grin and white face] 123. Two-Face Barbie [pic of Barbie with Tommy Lee Jones' makeup from Batman Forever] 124. Dirty Harry Barbie (Comes with large caliber pistol; pull the string and she says, "Go ahead. >giggle< Make my day!") 125. Power Ranger Barbie (has the ridiculous outfit and karate-chop action) 126. Teenage Mutant Ninja Barbie [pic of one of the Turtles with Barbie head] 127. One-Eyed-Head-on-a-Spider-Made-from-an-Erector-Set-Barbie (just what it sounds like) 128. Potato(e) Head Barbie (also just what it sounds like) 129. Picasso Barbie (Everything's in the wrong place.) 130. Steamroller Barbie (looks a lot like #107) 131. Road Kill Barbie (looks like #130 but with tire tracks) 132. Tail Hook Barbie (naval uniform with a VERY short skirt) 133. Back Draft Ken (perfect partner for #25) 134. Stuntman Ken (comes with lots of Band-Aids) 135. Spear-through-the-Head-Barbie (formerly #91) 136. Bow-Legged Barbie (High Stepper not included.) 137. Amazon Barbie [pic of Barbie in a leopard skin outfit] 138. Shark Attack Barbie (Oh, must we describe everything for you?) 139. Stampede Barbie (We're not talking about the rodeo in Calgary here...) 140. Barbie-Got-Run-Over-by-a-Reindeer (an excellent Holiday gift idea) 141. Disco Barbie 142. Trailer Park Barbie (For the parent who wants to show their child what grown-up life is really going to be like.) 143. Hypothermia Barbie (formerly #56) 144. Battering Ram Barbie [pic of Barbie's head on the end of a battering ram] 145. Joan of Arc Barbie (comes with stake, kindling, and matches) 146. Rastafarian Barbie (She has dreadlocks and ganja, mon.) 147. Brick House Barbie (Built like a brick sh...well, you know.) 148. Medusa Barbie [pic of Barbie with snakes for hair] 149. Gangsta Barbie (complete set of Raiders apparel and rap cassette included) 150. Mafia Barbie (Feet set in cement--she really sinks!) 151. Statue of Liberty Barbie (tall, green, corroded) 152. Cartoon-style 'Hit-in-the-Head-with-a-Falling-Anvil' Barbie (see #127) 153. Barney Barbie (Bloated, plush, and purple; pull the string and she spouts inane drivel.) 154. Junkyard Barbie (A little like #23, but meaner.) 155. Cut-the-Lady-in-Half-Magic-Trick-that-Went-Wrong Barbie (see #152) 156. Banzai Barbie (a small tree cut into a shape that vaguely resembles Barbie) 157. Tree Hugger Barbie (Pull the string and she spouts environmentalist rhetoric.) 158. Ballistic Missile Barbie (like #103, but more so) 159. Saloon Barbie [pic of doll dressed like Old West Saloon girl] 160. Green Giant Barbie [pic of Green Giant with Barbie's head--or vice versa] 161. Tool Time Barbie (Includes tool belt, which she has no idea how to use.) 162. P.O.W. Barbie (undernourished, tortured, and shell-shocked) 163. Lumberjack Barbie (sleeps all night, works all day) 164. Blockhead Barbie [pic of doll with Charlie Brown's head] 165. Organ Donor Barbie (Just like #97, but not dead yet.) 166. Jock Barbie (Looks like Dennis Rodman.) 167. Sears Tower Window Washer Barbie (see #10) 168. Baler Barbie (Wrapped in twine; also known as Farm Accident Barbie.) 169. Oscar Meyer Barbie [pic of Barbie on a bun] 170. Easter Island Barbie (the famous statue with blonde hair) 171. Banjo Barbie (complete with straw hat and Earl Scruggs cassette) 172. Mick Jagger Barbie [pic of Mick with Barbie's head (but Mick's lips)] 173. Headgear Barbie (guaranteed to make kids with braces feel better) 174. Albino Barbie 175. Neon Deion Barbie (It costs $35 million, and you just know some idiot's going to buy it...)

funniness: 6.20

rating: PG