Zac C.

My company posted a notice next to the time clock. It said the company calendar had a typo, that the union-won holiday wasn't really a holiday at all. The company blamed the printer for this mistake. (Nice try.) But that's not the funny part. The first line of the notice said, "Please Take Notice." So the guy standing next to me took it. True Tale 2 ----------- There are two doors in the restroom at work. One is the exit and the other, on the other side of the room, is a closet. The closet door is clearly labeled "closet." The other day I was using the restroom and I heard an Induhvidual open a door and exclaim, "Darn it! That's the closet again!" True Tale 3 ----------- My boss had recently learned how to use spreadsheet software. He proudly called me into his office to show me a new trick he'd learned. At one point during his demonstration he was moving his mouse toward himself and it reached the edge of his desk. I watched in amazement as he deftly rolled his mouse around the edge of the desk and underneath. I stifled my giggling and politely said, "You know, you don't need to do that with the mouse." Whereupon he took offense and said, "I know. I usually grab a book and put it next to the desk and roll the mouse onto it, but I just can't reach my books right now." I said, "Yeah, that's what I do," and excused myself before I broke a rib trying not to laugh. True Tale 4 ----------- I attend one of the top universities in the UK. My housemate recently surpassed his usual high standard of stupidity. He needed to open a bottle. After hanging around looking helpless, someone handed him a wine opener (the corkscrew type) that had a bottle opener on one end. My housemate disappeared for five minutes and reappeared with an apologetic look on his face. "I've broken it. I'm sorry." Under questioning he confessed that he had been trying to screw the corkscrew through the top of the metal bottle cap. True Tale 5 ----------- A VP of our company stood up at our company meeting and asked all employees to look over the new website to make sure it was "grammerly correct." True Tale 6 ----------- Recently the Southern Hemisphere was treated to a total lunar eclipse. During this event one Induhvidual standing in my street suggested that we photograph it. Someone explained that the moon would be difficult to photograph because it was completely darkened by the shadow of Earth. Her response was, "What about if I use the flash?" True Tale 7 ----------- A customer returned to our wireless phone store with the phone she had recently purchased. She complained that the phone worked fine for the first two days and then suddenly went dead. I asked her how long she had charged the battery. She replied, "What do you mean, charge?" Upon further interrogation it became clear that she thought the one- year warranty on the battery meant it would last that long. True Tale 8 ----------- This is a True Tale that involves a sign I spotted nailed to a tree along a dirt road somewhere in Iowa: I lost 75 lbs. Free Samples! 555-1212 True Tale 9 ------------ I work at a secure R&D facility in the electronics industry. One day a sign at the guard's desk located in the front lobby said, "Guard is on rounds. Visitors wait here!" Being an upstanding DNRC member, I took it upon myself to add (in big, bold letters) "...and don't steal my laptop!!!" True Tale 10 ------------ About four years ago we had a multiple choice test for one of our digital design subjects. A friend of mine had no clue in this subject but could clearly see the answers of the person to his left. So he copied them. At the end of the exam we were informed that there were TWO tests, alternating by row! He had cheated off the wrong test! But he got a good grade anyway!! Why? Because the person he had cheated off had cheated off the person sitting next to him! Moral of the story: Two Induhviduals make a right. True Tale 11 ------------ The other day at the gas station, while waiting in line to pay for my gas, I commented to another customer how expensive gasoline had become. Her reply was, "You know, it doesn't really affect me; I always put in twenty dollars every time I gas up." True Tale 12 ------------ I was in a meeting with a manager - one of those meetings where the sole purpose is for her to make a speech and everyone to be impressed - and she showed an example of how the figures would be added up. It became apparent that she had no idea how you add or subtract negative numbers. I pointed out that the result of her first example was wrong. What followed was a lively debate on how you are meant to add or subtract negative numbers. The prevailing opinion was that there wasn't just one correct way of doing it, so all the different manufacturers of calculators went with their own conventions. I was told that my calculator worked differently than hers. (And how many meetings have you been to that included a concurrent test of two calculators?) The meeting ended with her bemoaning the fact that she wasn't getting any "buy-in" for her idea. A few days later she received, anonymously, a picture of Prof. Stephen Hawking, with the caption, "You must be at least this smart to invent your own branch of math." True Tale 13 ------------ An Induhvidual in my physics class did his math with a pen. He had to use lots of Liquid Paper to cover the mistakes. It was recommended to him that he use a pencil. The next day I saw him covering his pencil marks with Liquid Paper. True Tale 14 ------------ A few days ago I went to the copy place. I needed 80 copies. The guy told me that if I made fewer than 100 copies, each copy would cost 4 cents. But if I made at least 100 copies I would get the discounted rate of 2 cents per copy. I told him to make 80 copies of the front of the document and make 20 copies of the blank back. I could use the blank paper later on for other purposes. He probably never thought of this situation before; he gave me an angry look but copied the documents anyway. True Tale 15 ------------ This is a direct quote from a newsletter I just received. It is the summer vacation edition and includes this tip on a list of "Luggage-Packing Secrets of the Pros." "SECRET TIP #3: Double the security of luggage padlocks with economical electrical ties. Since they must be cut to be removed, they're tamper-evident. (Remember to pack scissors!)" Um...and where do you pack those scissors? True Tale 16 ------------ After pulling a ditsy temp secretary off phone duty (she put my phone number instead of the caller's on phone messages), I assigned her to something safe: labeling files. This task did not include the filing itself, which would have required a thorough grasp of the alphabet; it only involved affixing colorful self-adhesive labels to the outside edge of each file indicating the contract number. The Induhvidual cheerfully labeled throughout the afternoon, completing 150 files. The next day, my regular secretary asked why our files had been sealed closed with colorful self-adhesive labels. True Tale 17 ------------ This is one I actually heard several years ago. "We've got to separate the weed from the shaft."

funniness: 7.05

rating: PG