Thomas D.

All these are genuine and have appeared in newspapers throughout the world: "When a disaster occurs, the Red Cross Society is always glad to help-especially money. But some gifts can cause embarrassment. When 200 cases of bras were sent as a well-meaning gift to Pakistan, the problem which they had caused was solved by cutting them in half to make two rice bowls." - Palmers Green & Southgate Gazette "You can still sit on Torbay beaches for free as long as your bottom touches the sand. Raise yourself up and you pay a shilling-whether you use the corporation's chair or your own. 'I'm not surprised at the charge. Everything costs you under Labour,' said Mrs Hermione Clapp, of Maidenway Road, Paignton. Told that the council is Conservative controlled, she reckoned: 'They get orders from above.'" - Paignton News "A man was banned by court order from going within 100 yards of his estranged wife's home - except on Fridays. The husband is a refuse collector and his Friday round takes him to empty the bins in Howard Road where his wife lives." - Birmingham Evening Mail "Cross-examined by Mr Quinn, witness said that someone had called her husband 'an Irish pig.' She said he was not Irish." - Biddulph Chronicle "The famous vicar's father was Rev. Jacob Hawker, one time curate and vicar of Stratton, so Robert spent his younger years in the town. Many tales are told of his fiendish practical jokes. He once ran through the streets and entangled every house and door with twine. Mr Harry Yeo, chairman of the commitee, proposed a vote of thanks." - Bude and Stratton Post "The night after a young wife returned home without her skirt her husband made her eat a moth." - Sheffield Star "Hong Kong's prosperity and gross national product are in the highest Asian bracket. So, it would seem natural that the socio-economic compulsion that force children into factories here are less strong than here than in the poorer countries of the region. Evidenty, somewhere in the Hong Kong way of life there is a chink." - Straits Times "Police last night questioned 14 deaf and dumb youths about a robbery of a number of passengers on board a Kowloon bus." - Hong Kong South China Morning Post "Mr Cyril Chitty, of Chichester, has retired after thirty years as one of the most successful rat catchers in West Sussex. An expert on moles and mice extermination, Mr Chitty bagged 200 rats in one day on a farm at Compton. He was a Desert Rat during the last war." - Bognor Regis Post "Shepherd was sent to prison for a total of 12 months and was disqualified from driving for 12 months." - Kingsbury News "When the Queen's great aunt, Princess Alice, met veteran Millwall fan Arthur Hodge, 74, who proudly wore the badge and bars of the supporters' club, she said sdhe had never heard of the team." - South London Press "Democrat MP Paitoon Wongvanich rides to Parliament yesterday on a buffalo. He only got as far as the main gate where a guard refused to allow the animal to enter. When Paitoon argued that cars were permitted inside the guard stolidly replied: 'Yes, but they don't (excretive deleted).'" - Bangkok Post "The parish council at Moreton-in-Marsh has decided that there is nothing it can do about a complaint that ducks from the town's duck pond are walking around with dirty feet." - Birmingham Mail "The managing director of a textile mill at Mirfield, near Huddersfield, plans to breed llamas near the premises to combat a serious supply shortage." - Yorkshire Post "Florida - The report said the primary problem of the 'poor' and 'near poor' is lack of adequate funds to meet their needs." - Today - Florida's Space Age Newspaper "Gordon Banks will be back in foal for Stoke by May - and it could be even sooner." - Western Mail "When Jimmy Carter, President of the United States and the world's most powerful man, comes to Britain next month he won't be visiting the small Oxfordshire village of Sulgrave." - Oxford Star

funniness: 5.04

rating: PG