Thomas D.

All these are genuine and have appeared in newspapers throughout the world: "Ambulance men at Georgetown, Merthyr, who have had to share two pairs of boots between 19 of them, are hoping to end a 20-year fight for a pair each." - South Wales Echo "Councillor T. Witherspoon wondered what benefits came from conferences. He could not recall any benefit to ratepayers from any conference he had been to." - Wolverhampton Express & Star "A man who never wants to see his work put into practice came to Luton last night." - Luton Evening Post "'The baton had nails and chains in it,' the fiscal added. 'It was a contemporary yet medieval weapon. Dunn was found to have a steel comb which was twisted and distorted in his possession and Muir had a stone in each pocket of no geological interest.'" - Largs & Millport News "The BBC filmed the destruction of Pulteney Road Bridge in Bath and rushed the film to the station for inclusion in the television news. The film couldn't go because the train couldn't go over the bridge they'd just filmed coming down." - Bath & West Evening Chronicle "His friends noticed a marked 'personality change' as jealousy became his overpowering emotion. He drank up to two bottles of whisky a day and even cheated at chess." - Hampstead Express "A man with a passion for gliding and skin diving is expected to be named as the next Mayor of Kidderminster." - Birmingham Evening Mail "A woman who stole two pen and pencil sets told Hendon magistrates last week that one was a present for her probation officer." - Finchley Press "A recent radar speed trap at Silver End was obviously aimed at the working class, claimed Mr. Bill Webdale at last night's meeting of Witham Trades Council. 'It was there at 8 a.m. There are not many Rolls-Royces or Jags about at that time,' he said." - Colchester Evening Gazette "'The girls in the show stripped to their G-strings but not me. I just helped them to get changed. It seemed a giggle at first, but it got a bit boring. If that's show business, it's more boring than exciting. I would rather be a vet.'" - Nottingham Post "A man who danced naked through a wood was told by a Sheriff yesterday that the great god Pan never wore socks." - Glasgow Herald "The boy had listed among his 52 findings of guilt: burglary, theft, malicious wounding, killing animals in a pet shop and setting fire to a railway station. All the offences were commited before the boy was 15. But a social worker told magistates about him: 'These kids would not have such a bad record if the police would not keep arresting them.'" - Sheffield Star "Mr. Gillard, who is 55, tackled the man but was knocked to the ground. His assailant ran off in the direction of Mesopotamia." - Oxford Times "Muhammad Ali was missing when his name was called in court at Kidderminster. Police had been unable to serve summonses on him alleging speeding and having no Excise licence, said Inspector Tim Davidson. 'And I think the name could very well be fictitious,' he told magistrates." - Worcester Evening News "Insp. Muxlow said Steven told police he had had an argument with his girlfriend and wanted to 'end it all.' But the prosecution did not accept his story, said the inspector. Had Stevens intended commiting suicide, he would not have chosen to jump in front of a stationary car." - Lincolnshire Echo "Gents black overcoat, long length, worn by undertaker, now retired, good quality, but one shoulder slightly worn. Phone....." - Liverpool Post

funniness: 4.51

rating: PG