Thomas D.

All these are genuine and have appeared in newspapers throughout the world: "More men than women are convicted of shoplifting. The majority of women shoplifters are aged between 25 and 35. 'But,' said Mr Shepherd, 'there was the case of the really old lady who collapsed in a supermarket and when an ambulance was called was found to be suffering from hyperthermia caused by a frozen chicken under her hat.'" - The Scotsman "At one time he was well up in the first 10 places but hitting a bride in Wales damaged the suspension and he dropped back." - Autosport "A 36-year-old Irishman who hurled his shoe through a Perth shop window called police to retrieve it because he did not want to break the law and enter the building." - The Age "May Day greetings to all comrades in the Labour Movements. Divided we stand, united we fall. Littlehampton Labour Party." - Littlehampton Gazette "Backing-up Bernice and Sam is a strong cast and backstage crew all combining to make this an exciting opening sow." Performances are on 16th, 17th and 18th October and booing starts on 15th September. - News Shopper "Joan of Arc probably suffered from brain damage which resulted in her visions, said Dr. Harold Palmer when he spoke to St. Albans and District Association of University Women." - Herts Advertiser "Cemetery charges are to go up from June 1st but there will be a 50% reduction for pensioners." - West London Observer "He said it is unlikely pollution is the cause and the fish bore no outward signs of disease, "These fish are perfectly healthy, except that they're dead.'" - Vancouver Sun "Wellington N.Z. - Motor accidents have replaced falling out of coconut trees as the most common cause of death in the Pacific Islands, according to a medical expert." - South China Morning Post "A Bangor man who admitted using the same coin to obtain gas from the meter at his home for nearly a year told Bangor magistrates on Tuesday that he did it 'on the spur of the moment.'" - North Wales Chronicle "The crime was discovered when Grieve arrived in a taxi at a scrap merchants in Milnbank Road, Dundee. Two plain-clothes police officers were on a routine visit to the premises. Grieve said to one of them: "Is it OK, there's no police about?" He then removed a sack from the boot." - Dundee Evening Telegraph "Mr. L. Brittain of 3 Cedar Drive, Thornton-in-Cleveland asks us to say he has no connection with a manure smell in the village." - Middlesbrough Evening Gazette "The BBC filmed the destruction of Pulteney Road Bridge in Bath and rushed the film to the station for inclusion in the television news. The film couldn't go because the train couldn't go over the bridge they'd just filmed coming down." - Bath & West Evening Chronicle "'My husband's mother was Hawaiian and we thought it might be nice to give the child a traditional name,' said Mrs Seymour, the mum of a 2S-week-old Washington boy on why he was baptised Keaminuimakahahaikalani." - Birmingham Evening Mail "A market stall has stopped selling bottles of invisible ink which it was claimed yesterday made holes in a boy's pyjamas and caused part of a carpet at his home to disappear." - Yorkshire Post "The Prince of Wales spent last winter being renovated at a cost of more than #30,000 at British Rail's Swindon depot, and returned to Aberystwyth a week ago." - Western Mail "If the unemployed were made to work on road building schemes it would improve the country's road system and hasten the return of law and order. 'That is what Hitler had to do,' Councillor Sid Childs told Highly Parish Council last night, 'at least he brought Germany back to common-sense.' Mr Childs said that he was thinking of the country as a whole and not just the Highley area, though the road between Bridgnorth and Highley would be a good place to start." - Shropshire Star "The Chairman, Ald. George Wardle, suggested that the sheep might stop if notices were erected saying: 'Sheep must not eat gravel.' But members felt that even if they were warned of the direst consequences, this would have little effect." - Newcastle Journal "A young Formosan wrote 700 letters to his girlfriend. She is to marry the postman." - Stoke Evening Sentinel "A boy took home a stolen cycle and was thrashed by his father and sent to bed. But next day when he wanted to return the cycle, he found his father had gone to work on it." - Derby Telegraph "Crash courses available for those wishing to learn to drive very quickly." - Eastbourne Gazette "Police at Kidderminster, Worcestershire, are looking for thieves who broke into a factory and stole 17 miles of sausage skin." - The Scotsman "On reaching the age of 90, members of St Mary's Charlton Kings Mothers' Union branch will no longer pay subscriptions, but become life members." - Gloucestershire Echo "Mr. Kanso Yoshida, cousin of Emperor Hirohito of Japan, has died aged 78. Since he came to Liverpool in 1912, Mr. Yoshida had been known as Paddy Murphy." - Liverpool Post "Having read of a Wakering woman who died of hypothermia after a fall at her home I am prompted to write to you of my similar experience." - Southend Standard "Mr. Spalding believed that the secret of his eternal youth lay in the fact that he had an early morning skipping session followed by a long walk, every day. The funeral takes place next Tuesday." - Kentish Times

funniness: 5.53

rating: PG