Sarah C.

Have a horrible date you JUST can't get out of? Realize mid-date that this guy/girl is the mayor of Loserville? Rather than simply ordering expensive food, use one of these steps and you'll never see them again... *1* Guard your plate with fork and knife and act like you'll stab anyone who reaches for it, including the waiter. *2* Collect salt shakers from all the tables in the restaurant and balance them in tower formation on your table. *3* Wipe your nose on your date's sleeves. Twice. *4* Make faces at other patrons, and then sneer at their reactions *5* Repeat every third third word you say say. *6* Read a newspaper during the meal, ignoring your date. *7* Stare at your date's neck and grind your teeth. Ask if he's a slayer. *8* Twitch spastically. If he/she asks about it, pretend you don't know what he/she is talking about. *9* Every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched while making airplane sounds. *10* Order a bucket of lard. *11* Ask for crayons to color the placemat (This is especially fun if it is a fancy restaurant with linen tablecloths). *12* When ordering, inquire if the restaurant has any live food. *13* Without asking, eat off of your date's plate. *14* Drool. *15* Talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs. *16* Scarf down everything on your plate in 30 seconds or less. When you suceed chest bump the nearest waiter. If you don't, insist your date order you another meal so you can try again (and again). *17* Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go to the hostess and ask for another table. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you ask him/her "What took you so long in the restroom?" *18* Ask the people at the nect table if you can taste their food. *19* Beg your date to get your name tatooed on his/her bicep. (works best if this is a first and/or blind date) *20* Order something NASTY for your date. Act offended when he/she refuses to eat it. *21* Ask for a seat away from the windows where you can have a good view of all exits and keep your back to the wall. Act nervous. *22* Lick your plate. Offer to lick your date's. *23* Hum. Loudly. In monotone. *24* Fill your pockets with sugar packets, salt/pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements- anything that isn't that isn't bolted down. *25* Slide under the table. Take your plate with you. *26* Order a baked potato as a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes and ask the waiter for the potato you never got. When the waiter returns, have the first one back on the plate. Repeat later in the meal. *27* Throughout the meal, speak in pig-latin or any foreign language you know and they don't. *28* Take a bathroom break. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear onto one of the chairs. Say they need airing out. *29* Bring 20 candles with you. During the meal, arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant. *30* Order your foods by colors and textures. Sculpt. *31* Insist the waiter cut your food into tiny pieces. *32* Accuse your date of espionage. *33* Don't use any verbs throughout the entire meal. *34* Break wind loudly. Add commentary. Bow. *35* Feed imaginary friends, or bring dolls and feed them. *36* Shoot hoops into his water glass using shrimp, mints or anything small *37* Every time your date opens his/her mouth, interrupt and start a new conversation *38* Belch and score it on the Richter Scale *39* After kissing him, explain that your doing a study on the spread of mono. *40* Ask if you have something between your teeth, if he/she says no, put something there.

funniness: 6.38

rating: PG