Zach M.

After making love you ask your date to roll down the window. Almost all of your sister's children know you as "Daddy." Birds are attracted to your beard. Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns. Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night includes a flashlight & shoes. Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you. Jack Daniels sends you a Christmas card. (Thanks, Ken Purdy) Less than half of the cars you own run. More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general. Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming. On your job application under "SEX" you put "As often as possible." People hear your car a long time before they see it. People keep stopping by the house because they think it's a yard sale. Somebody yells "Hoe down!" and your date hits the floor. (Thanks, Bob Brault) Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it." Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute." The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road." The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house. The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year." The first pet you own is a chicken. (Thanks, Jared Zeiders) The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!" The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "How Y'all Doin?" The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot. The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice. The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?" The neighbors have started a petition concerning your Christmas lights. The only work your father ever did was supervised by a man holding a shotgun. The rear tires on your car are twice as wide as the front tires. The Salvation Army declines your mattress. The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape. The tobacco-chewers in your family aren't just men. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard. There are four pairs of pants and three squirrels hanging from your clothesline. There are more than five McDonald's bags currently in the floorboard of your car. There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door. There is a stuffed 'possum mounted anywhere in your house. Truckers tell your wife to watch her language. When hunting for Easter eggs, your kids trip over the Christmas lights. (Thanks, Kelbe Hollrah) You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper. You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again. You bring your dog to work with you. You burn your yard rather than mow it. You burn your leaves in the fireplace. You can burp and say your name at the same time. You can crush a six-pack of beer cans on your forehead without leaving a scar. You can go to the liquor store and get all of your Christmas shopping done. You can spit without opening your mouth. You clean your ears with your car key. You clean your fingernails with a stick. You come back from the dump with more than you took. You consider "True Story" and "Field & Stream" to be significant literature. You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment. You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food. You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison. You dated your daddy's current wife in high school. You drove to elementary school. You get your daily source of fiber from a toothpick. (Thanks, Fermin Cruz, Jr.) You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures. You have a cattle prod in your truck's gun rack, and you're not a rancher. You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window. You have a rag for a gas cap. You have a rag or a sock in place of a windshield wiper blade. (Thanks, Jimmy Jones) You have been married three times and still have the same in-laws. (Thanks, Chrystine Rocha) You have ever bar-b-qued Spam on a grill. You have ever used a weed cutter indoors.

funniness: 6.38

rating: PG