- If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.
- I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
- To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
- If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?" "No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots."
- I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
- If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
- To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.
- Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?
- Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
- I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
- I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him.
- If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
- It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
- Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.
- If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
- When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
- I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.
- If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and he guy was reading a magazine.
- If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture.
- Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
- If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.
- One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake.
- For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
- Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.
- I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.
- If by some occurrence you find yourself falling of the CN Tower, Just let yourself go limp. If some people see you falling they may try to catch you thinking, "hey, free dummy!"
- Why is the dove the symbol for peace. Why not the pillow? It has more feathers and it doesn't have that dangerous beak!
- If some guy asked me the meaning of Love, I'd pin his arm up behind his back and say..."Now look who's asking the Questions!"
- The funny thing about a person driving off a cliff is that they probably have their foot on the break. Hey, why not try the emergency brake?
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