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Voodoo Dick

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There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him.

He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'"

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

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smiley 8.9 R

submitted: 1+ years ago

viewed: 1,355,233 times

categories: men, women, relationships sex, sexuality

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User Comments Add Comment

showing 1 - 18 of 18 discussions       sort by: newest

0 thumb down thumb up
by emma l. 1+ years ago

This is my favorite joke 10/10

Reply to emma l.'s comment
+1 thumb down thumb up
by jose t. 1+ years ago

hahahaha get raped

Reply to jose t.'s comment
[below viewing threshold, show comment] -4 thumb down thumb up
by Jerrod S. 1+ years ago

Don't spam me, but I know for a fact this is a rip-off. In this other joke, it was a creature that destroyed things and he said (I forget what it was called.) my ass! Guess what that creature did next. (I like this version better though.)

Reply to Jerrod S.'s comment
0 thumb down thumb up
by Vern A. 1+ years ago

OUCH!! lol

Reply to Vern A.'s comment
+2 thumb down thumb up
by Bethany S. 1+ years ago

xDDDDDDDD That was so funny!! xDDD

Reply to Bethany S.'s comment
+2 thumb down thumb up
by Stan F. 1+ years ago

Dude! BEST JOKE EVER!!! 1,000,000,000,000,000/10!

Reply to Stan F.'s comment
+2 thumb down thumb up
by Chrissy S. 1+ years ago

I remember seeing this one before. Definately interesting

Reply to Chrissy S.'s comment
+5 thumb down thumb up
by Brittany M. 1+ years ago

I wish there was something out there like that beacuse i need one of those voodoo dicks.lol

Show 1 replies to this comment

+2 thumb down thumb up
by FunnyFreakOfThe3rdDynasty !. 1+ years ago

GET READY FOR AIDS YA SMARTASS COP 10/10

Reply to FunnyFreakOfThe3rdDynasty !.'s comment
+9 thumb down thumb up
by jasmine l. 1+ years ago

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA.... THATS HILLARIOUS...VOODOO DICK MA ASS....LOLZ I WISH THERE WAS SOMETHING OUT THERE LIKE THAT.................BUT THATS ONLY A DREAM

Reply to jasmine l.'s comment
+8 thumb down thumb up
by ♦Deathvirus♦ 1+ years ago

HAHAHA!! That'll fix it

Reply to ♦Deathvirus♦'s comment
+7 thumb down thumb up
by gary b. 1+ years ago

gay but funny, that dick is gonna get stuck up that cops ass

Reply to gary b.'s comment
+8 thumb down thumb up
by Nicole T. 1+ years ago

thats freggin funny it dosent get any better then that!! you put a vodoo penis and and a smartass cop in the same story oh you know its gonna be good

Reply to Nicole T.'s comment
+6 thumb down thumb up
by Tina S. 1+ years ago

this is my all time favorite joke i never get tired of it i have memorized it and tell it to others it always causes a roar of laughter

Reply to Tina S.'s comment
+6 thumb down thumb up
by Yue T. 1+ years ago

lmfao wow poor guy should have listened to her

Reply to Yue T.'s comment
+6 thumb down thumb up
by veto l. 1+ years ago

wtf that was hilarious voodoo penis my ass!!!

Reply to veto l.'s comment
+9 thumb down thumb up
by Angelica K. 1+ years ago

The officer has been scarred ever since...lmao!!!

Reply to Angelica K.'s comment
+7 thumb down thumb up
by mayra h. 1+ years ago

this was good

Reply to mayra h.'s comment
CLOO_Voodoo Dick

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