Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other: "If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?" "Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away." "Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?" "It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second guy. "What do you mean her speech impediment?" inquired the first fellow. "My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!" "Well," replied his friend, "you must be the only guy who hasn't noticed that she can't say, 'NO!"
I ran into Andy at work yesterday. He had been out for a few days with the 'flu. I asked him how he was feeling. "I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience." "Wonderful? How can the 'flu be wonderful?" I asked in stunned disbelief. "Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know that whenever the postman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying 'My husband is home! My husband is home!"
Husband: Oh, come on. Wife: Leave me alone! Husband: It won't take long. Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards. Husband: I can't sleep without it. Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night? Husband: Because I'm Hot. Wife: You get hot at the darndest times. Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you. Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate. Husband: You don't love me anymore. Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight. Husband: Please...come on Wife: Alright, I'll do it. Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight? Wife: I can't find it. Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it! Wife: There! Are you satisfied? Husband: Oh, yes. Wife: Is it up far enough? Husband: Oh, that's good. Wife: Now go to sleep, Wife: And from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself. Lorraine is out for the evening, and on entering a bar says to the barman, "A glass of your finest Less, please." "Less? Never heard of it." "C'mon, sure you have." "No, really, we don't stock it. What is it? Some kind of foreign beer?" "I'm not sure. It was my doctor who mentioned it. He said I should drink less."
Amanda went to Jane's place to tell her about a horrible experience she had the previous night with this guy she took home. "Well, what happened when you got there?" asked Jane. "After we had some real freaky sex, the son-of-a-bitch called me a slut!"
Somewhat shocked, Jane asked, "What did you do then?" "I told him to get the hell out of my bedroom, and to take his five biker friends with him!"