Dear Dr. Laura,

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Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath.. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan, Jim

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submitted: 1+ years ago

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categories: insults men, women, relationships religion sex, sexuality

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showing 10 - 59 of 59 discussions       sort by: newest

+1 thumb down thumb up
by Joel E. 1+ years ago

I don't mind most Christian jokes, and I understand how to some people who openly mock Christianity how this would be funny, but this is not a joke. It is open mocking of Christianity. No one can claim "Oh lighten up, this is a joke." because I've met tons of idiots who take the Bible out of context to make it look bad and have used these same arguments. This is not a joke, and poorly mocking the Bible isn't funny either. If you thinking mocking Christianity is funny, wait until someone mocks something important to you. I doubt you will find it funny even if they claim "IT'S JUST A JOKE, DON'T TAKE IT SERIOUSLY."

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by J N. 1+ years ago

Well all of you are wrong. The world wasn't created by God. First there was Chaos, then Gaia, Tartaros, and Eros came into being. After that, Gaia Gave birth to Cronos and the other Titans, then Cronos and Rhea gave birth to Zeus and the Olympians then here we have it... The World!!!

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by Vern A. 1+ years ago

He's F*cking testing you Katrina. Apparently your failing

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by Vern A. 1+ years ago

still, people shouldn't moke things like that, i agree wth you rocky. I found this joke very offensive

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by Vern A. 1+ years ago

Shut the F*ck up Katrina.

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by Vern A. 1+ years ago

Wow Ryan. You should not be talking. She's absolutely correct and you would know that if you did your research...sweetheart

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by Vern A. 1+ years ago

you should go f*ck yourself Greg, you are so clueless its ridiculous

Reply to Vern A.'s comment
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by Vern A. 1+ years ago

She is correct Arrow, so be before makind dumb comments at least make sure your correct as well k and Bob, your a moron. She has every right to state her opinion and she's absolutely correct.

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by Vern A. 1+ years ago

no this joke just shows how people are kinda stupid

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by Vern A. 1+ years ago

No its not

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by Mac G. 1+ years ago

This is not a racist joke people, im athiest do you think i give a shit if other people express thier religion no, and its called THE FIRST AMENDMANT peope. on to the joke funniest one was #4 hands down

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by Brittany C. 1+ years ago

Are you talking about Jim? 'cause I thought Jim was a dude..

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by Reed W. 1+ years ago

looking back at that comment i seem raciest.(*_*) im liberal atheist and American/british. i'm not racist and sorry if i offended anyone.

Reply to Reed W.'s comment
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by Reed W. 1+ years ago

i love this joke! im telling it to all my jesus freak friends(pretty much 1 or 2)and to all you jesus freaks who hate this joke, grow up, get somthing else to hate. spin the wheel of hate like Rush Limbaugh. focus your hate on something else like, Canadians, Porto rico or democrats. just stop hating other religions. (including atheism)

Show 1 replies to this comment

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by M B. 1+ years ago

most of it's from the old testament, because Jim is talking to an Orthodox Jew not a Christian which you so obviously thought he was talking to. Who needs to do research again?

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by M B. 1+ years ago

with that "the bible is read only one way. the way it was written" crap you make me frustrated that you haven't even spent the time to see if argument is valid. The reason not every Christian and Jew see eye to eye is because there are different interpretations. Christianity branched off Judaism, which broke up into Orthodox and Catholic, Protestants broke off Catholic, see where I'm going? Not everyone sees things the same, and some peoples opinions are more valid than others, because they are based upon more and better facts. Jim's implied opinion is better than yours because he has taken the time to do research and not just say what he feels like. Stop thinking the world is flat already, it's the 21st century.

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[below viewing threshold, show comment] -6 thumb down thumb up
by Jonni P. 1+ years ago

Katrina, you are the most fucking retarded person I have ever met. Have fun in Hell. :)

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by Jonni P. 1+ years ago

Allison's right. :)

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by Nikki L. 1+ years ago

Exactly! lol

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by Naveed S. 1+ years ago
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by Naveed S. 1+ years ago
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by Andre S. 1+ years ago

Firstly, modern-day Christians (often) don't just "pick and choose" old testament passages. However, lots of stuff in Exodus and Leviticus was meant specifically for Jews, and SOME of it was later changed in the New testament. Homosexuality happens to be mentioned in the old testament, and reiterated in the new testament. A lot of the penalties were lessened though, seeing as Jesus took a kinder approach. Secondly, it's worth mentioning that number 7 was clearly a misinterpretation of scripture ~_o Even if all the rest was was trying to defend that the bible is "no longer against" homosexuality using sarcasm, the twisting of words here strongly hurts the case ~_o Anyway, I thought the joke was kinda funny, and understand the humour ^_^

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by Steven L. 1+ years ago

stuff, what a spiel.....

Reply to Steven L.'s comment
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by Steven L. 1+ years ago

for the record i think this joke is a good one with regards to Greg S. people died protecting the bible......... and let's not forget martin luther translated it from greek, aramaic and hebrew, not latin, and was not looking for money and neither were a whole lot of other people after him......... The bible got too numerous in copies to have been changed.......and besides.......did the Papacy have to change it to have power? no they just ensured nobody could read it. John D. in the new testimont laws changed because things then revolved around loving Jesus and having good motives(which ya'll have if ya love Jesus). Instead of the OT way of "making atonement". to Katrina G. i don't want to sound up myself but seriously, am i a dumbass that believes in christanity without reason? It's a scientific theory, can't people understand that??? do not say "the fact that" without good reason......in QLD australia, it is not "common knowledge". IF YOU DISAGREE, DON'T JUST THUMBS DOWN, EMAIL ME WITH REASONING. yowiegunner@hotmail.com

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[below viewing threshold, show comment] -10 thumb down thumb up
by Naveed S. 1+ years ago
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by Naveed S. 1+ years ago
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by John D. 1+ years ago

For christians, the OT law is not supposed to be used. They are supposed to follow the "new covenant" of Jesus. But Jesus didnt say anything about homo's so they refer back to the previous law (in a pick and choose kinda manner). I dont mean to be offensive by the way, I'm totally down for the new testement, just not for the hypocrites who go to the church I used to go to.

Show 1 replies to this comment

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by Piper S. 1+ years ago

"Why can't I own Canadians?" Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!

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by Camie B. 1+ years ago

"Why can't I own Canadians?" I was wondering the same thing ^^

Reply to Camie B.'s comment
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by GABY G. 1+ years ago

love the joke!!!

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by shahbaz p. 1+ years ago

you assholes cant even take a joke god

Reply to shahbaz p.'s comment
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by Cassandra B. 1+ years ago

excuse me? are you serious? you're gonna say God, the One who created the world nd everything we have in our lives and the One who, after death, MIGHT welcome you to His home? you're pretty retarded

Show 1 replies to this comment

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by jasmine v. 1+ years ago

woooooow it was just a joke ppl i understand that it may be somehow offensive but it is not a true statment. JUST A JOKE

Reply to jasmine v.'s comment
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by Alexander M. 1+ years ago

wow guys relax golly-g-wiz

Reply to Alexander M.'s comment
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by Tia D. 1+ years ago

did you acedentally put an "E", Or are you makin her a baby?!! lol

Reply to Tia D.'s comment
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by rocky l. 1+ years ago

Fine we are on here to get a few laughs. But when you go mocking Gods word that takes it too far. I dont really care what any of the other people have to say about me. My comment is dirrected at Jim I am praying for you

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by meredith m. 1+ years ago

wow...that is not funny at all..

Reply to meredith m.'s comment
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by Greg S. 1+ years ago

The fact that random entries were put into the bible after the fact is common knowlege. People will do anything to benifit themselves. especially if they have enough power to do such a thing as adding or subtracting to the bible. As far as alison... I dont even remember who you are or what you said. But it was probably somthing stupid.

Reply to Greg S.'s comment
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by Nikki B. 1+ years ago

Im a christian but i do think this is pretty funny. Im not offended by it though, people need to learn not to be so narrowminded and laugh at themselves for once. its not like its the end of the world as we know it.

Reply to Nikki B.'s comment
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by Josh C. 1+ years ago

OMG.... awesome letter. If this were truly the way to live your life, then prisons should not exist

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by den m. 1+ years ago

wtf?! its funny.com, not takethisseriously.com. cant u read the url or something. Oh ya,natalie, fuck this bitch. She means how you interprete the bible not to read it upside down, common sense should tell you that.

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by katrina g. 1+ years ago

This is AWESOME! Jim you are AWESOME! All intelligent people know that god is just imaginary, god is just there for the people who can't comprehend 'nothing' after death. It's kind of funny really... like kids believing in Santa - they need no proof, just word of mouth and a story. Keep rocking the boat, they might wake up one day = )

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by Marrianne M. 1+ years ago

NOT FUNNY YOU PATHETIC CREEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is far from humorus and utterly disrespectful!!!!!!

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by Shelly X. 1+ years ago

a little bit disrespectful, but as I am a confirmed atheist, I found it funny =D

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by mikayla j. 1+ years ago

well this was a waste of time i could spend on GOOD jokes!!!!!

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by Ryan H. 1+ years ago

I understand she's tryin to be a smart ass, but in doing so she made herself sound like a jackass because half of what she wrote up there about God's law is wrong and/or backwards and most of them are from the old testament, which we do not follow on the same terms. You might wanna do ya research sweetheart, before you speak of what u do not know.

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by fadhli r. 1+ years ago

lol wat da heck...this isnt a joke..it insults peoples religion..not funny at all =/

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by Aoife N. 1+ years ago

Greg I like you :) Alison: to big for your boots if you ask me...noticed her comment is gone???

Reply to Aoife N.'s comment
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by Greg S. 1+ years ago

wow some people took this a bit too seriously. Okay well Allison D have you ever noticed that last passage in the bible that says "anyone who changes or alters the bible in any fashioned have eternal death" yeah well you know who wrote that? damndest thing. It was a random monk who was sick of people adding and subtracting passages from the bible for their own self profit. So actually you never know what your reading or who put it in there. So go F*ck yourself Allison. No one likes you. Die alone

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by Allison D. 1+ years ago

you all are a bunch of morons. "Jim" should know that The OT Law is not used in todays society. And not all of the ten commandments were stated by Jesus in the NT. We follow His law, not the law of Moses. "Jim" should have kept reading and then he may have realized his obvious ignorance. oh and "natalie" the Bible is read only one way. the way it was written. common sense should tell you that. apparently you all are not very educated. or you just choose to be oblivious to the facts of life

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