"Chuck Norris was once having sex with a tractor trailer, when some of his sperm got into the cab. Nine months later, the tractor trailer gave birth to Optimus Prime. "
"It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box. "
"The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris. "
"When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live. "
"Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. "
"Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop. "
"Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands. "
"B.C. really stands for Before Chuck. "
"Touching Chuck Norris' beard will increase you life expectancy by 6 years. Unfortunately, the following roundhouse kick will reduce your life expectancy by 300. You do the math. "
"The Big Bang happened when Chuck Norris went back in time to just before the Universe began and every atom in the Universe immediately decided it should get the hell away from there and fast. "
"If you misspell "Chuck Norris" on Google it won't correct it, it just says you have 10 seconds to live. "
"Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did. "
"Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter. "
"Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost. "
"Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing. "
"The only thing Mr. T, Vin Diesel and Chuck Norris can agree on is that Tom Cruise is a faggot. "
"Upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles to cancer, Chuck Norris donated one of his to Lance. With just one of Chuck's nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By the way, Chuck still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a new one simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows for sure. "
"Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body. "
"The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears. "
"The most honorable way of dying is taking a bullet for Chuck Norris. This amuses Chuck Norris because he is bulletproof. "
"Chuck Norris is so fast he can start a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together. "
"Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery." "
"Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse. "
If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
If you can see Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may only have seconds to live.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Masacre.
Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."
When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Vin Diesel!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.
Vin Diesel once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.
Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULLSHIT!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Vin ate him for good measure. The incident has since been refered to as Christmas.
Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Vin Diesel invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
Vin Diesel doesn't believe in rubber condoms. Instead, he sticks his penis in a girl, and uses that girl as a condom while fucking another.
In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Vin Diesel, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.
If you were to lock Vin Diesel in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Vin replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.
If you freeze frame #3,000,547 of The Empire Strikes Back, you can actually see Vin Diesel cut off Luke Skywalker's hand with a Ginsu Knife.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC
Before email was invented Chuck Norris would attach messages to kittens and roundhouse kick them.
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