Your Helpful Emails...

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I just want to thank all of you for your educational email's over the past year.

Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking your nose. (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot) .

And don't forget...lemons!!!! Don't get them in your drinks (if they still have the peel). Dirty hands a re everywhere!!!!

Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are at heists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Ja maica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this wi ll occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

Oh, by the way......

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.


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smiley 9.0 PG

submitted: 1+ years ago

viewed: 26,175 times

categories: celebrities, entertainment, people other





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showing 1 - 22 of 22 discussions       sort by: newest

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by Cynthia W. 1+ years ago

a german scientist from argentina...laughed soooo hard at that, and I don't think anyone even noticed the flaw in that

Reply to Cynthia W.'s comment
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by Me I. 1+ years ago

i only had my hnd on the mouse to scroll a few times

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by Jazsper S. 1+ years ago

Haha! I have no mouse due to the fact that I am using an iPod touch!

Show 2 replies to this comment

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by Roastedzergling D. 1+ years ago

LMAO!! A large dove with diarrhea oh you KILLED me!

Reply to Roastedzergling D.'s comment
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by ali n. 1+ years ago

Well we were built to die Eg: breathing kills you as the oxygen oxidizes you and and not doing so would decrease all cancer chances by around 80% but doing so would also kill you

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by cathy c. 1+ years ago
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by Zane B. 1+ years ago

great... Whats next? Living eventually causes dying?

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by cathy c. 1+ years ago
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by cathy c. 1+ years ago
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by fayfay m. 1+ years ago

i definitly dont drink cocacola thanks to sum peoples concern and because it cleans the stains in the toilet and my hand is on the mouse... hehe that hits the mark

Reply to fayfay m.'s comment
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by Samanatha F. 1+ years ago

haha not on my mouse... that was funny :)

Reply to Samanatha F.'s comment
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by Alice D. 1+ years ago

My hand was supporting my head.. heehee.. or is that even worse?

Reply to Alice D.'s comment
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by Tiffany L. 1+ years ago

I have a laptop :P

Show 1 replies to this comment

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by Terence C. 1+ years ago

zomg! my hand was on the mouse.

Reply to Terence C.'s comment
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by King Funny 1+ years ago

hahaha/// my hand was in my pants so i win! (lol)

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by Mel B. 1+ years ago

Haha well I beat u all because i dont have a mouse with which to keep my hand on, i have a touchpad, which my hand wasn't on

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by Emma G. 1+ years ago

i didnt have my hand on my mouse whily reading that:P

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by Dashelle S. 1+ years ago


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by radhikaa s. 1+ years ago

hmmmm.... I WON!!! i use da keyboard 4 scrolin... i had ma hand on da pg dn key... :P

Reply to radhikaa s.'s comment
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by ... .. 1+ years ago

haha I do that to scroll down.

Reply to ... ..'s comment
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by Klanes L. 1+ years ago

i always have my hand on the mouse. (it makes it look like im actually doing something)

Show 1 replies to this comment

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by Paul T. 1+ years ago

Ahhh damn i had my hand on da mouse all da way...

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